It's final weeks which in short means reviewing everything you thought you knew to quickly and unfortunately realize you know nothing. Then you stress, worry, and think about thinking about sleeping but, you don't. And if you're me, you have two, really 3, jobs, semi-alcoholic neighbors, friends in other states having mock crises which require 4am phone calls, and presentations galore. I do everything for everyone and for nothing besides, temporary peace of mind. And while I hate to quote Ms. Spears in such a moment, "all I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I'm in between." So, there it is dearest of constantly neglected blogs, I'm someone I don't know and currently feeling a little besides myself.
"She needs wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes She needs new faces."
It's fairly simple really: my ever-increasing list of things to do is leaving me feeling totally undone. I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. It's cheating. The world is cheating, or perhaps the world is just wiser than I. Either way, I've found there is only one solution:
I want to take a vacation...with myself. How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward.
I shall sip cocoa, leave my hair in it's original waved bounce state, and pray for the rain to continue. If I'm lucky laughter, dancing, and romantic interests will be peaked.
It's been a trying week. It's one thing when others break you down but, it's another thing when you are breaking your self down. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. You face old challenges that question a new you. And when you find yourself fighting for yourself you begin to ask a new question: Is it worth it?. But, like the Beatles said, "I'll get by with a little help from my friends."
Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away. That, that is friendship. To say tonight was a challenge is an understatement. But, somewhere in the misery she managed to find two words that I couldn't resist smiling about, "No cheese."
And to the world those words mean nothing but, to me, at that moment, they meant everything. They meant that she was my friend and I was hers. They meant, it would be 'ok'. Then, suddenly it was. Of course life isn't that easy, and all my troubles didn't disappear but, they aren't as heavy since I had someone else to help me carry the load.
"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you.""
The Bengals are from Loser Land A) The Bengals dropped the ball, again, in a devastating loss in the last quarter of the game. Of course the blame a weak offensive line but, I think blaming Swine Flu would be a better bet. There's no "i" in team but, there is in Swine Flu.
Kanye West is from Hater Hills B)Kanye West was at it again, taking center stage, with his rude and inappropriate oral diarrhea commentary Sunday night at the Mtv VMA's (Video Music Awards). Most tragic of all is that within seconds the beautiful dedication to Michael Jackson was forgotten.
C)Serena Williams mouth took center court--pun intended-- as she cursed at a lineswoman, and it might be the best thing that happened to women's tennis in a while.
While holding Ms.Jo's sleeping baby boy I realized, the world is a circle in more than one way. While he is the welcomed beginning to their family, he was the end to her over indulged Starbucks-inspired sleep patterns.In fact, one might say that life is one huge PMS trip, with ups and downs, cramps, bloating and riddled with cycles.
These are cycles; they end forming new beginnings and new opportunities. Sometimes goodbye is the opportunity we need to say hello to the actual potential within ourselves. The tricky part is finding that delicate balance and maintaining it without literally going overboard. Sitting next to Zahra at 2am when she whispers, "I don't have the patience," forced me to realize that in this life of cycles it's in the end where I begin. With each setting sun and closing light there are surely doors opening and suns rising. It's the dedication and will power we must seek out within ourselves that will fuel us towards greatness. And as for patience it's bitter but, it's fruits are sweet.
Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #11
Finally the world is recognizing the importance of women in society. Little research has been done to understand how investments in girls impact economic growth and the health and well-being of communities. This lack of data reveals how pervasively girls have been overlooked. For millions of girls across the developing world, there are no systems to record their birth, their citizenship, or even their identity.
Take note of The Girl Effect. Support. Sponsor. Inspire. .............................................................................................................................
If you see a black man riding south on a bike, take the bike. It's probably yours.
If you see a black man riding north on a bike, take the black man. He's probably yours.
--This is the joke one of my inappropriate and slightly offensive neighbors told.But, in all seriousness though did any one else hear about the government law being passed in which the United States as a country apologizes for slavery? The issue is once the bill is passed, alot of people are going to be expecting a mule and 40 acres.
I'm nannying for my neighbors' kids (4 ,7)for the next week.We went to the store where the youngest looked at a woman exclaiming, "You're ugly!" I pulled him aside explaining that it wasn't nice to say such things...outloud. The boy began to cry, shouting, "But she isn't pretty!"
His parents reduced my pay by 1.25$ an hour, for 'encouraging their children to lie, in public'
-FML
............................................................................................................................. More Proof My Friends Have Zero Life
He mostly speaks in Urdu. But, says "I love you" & "asalamualaikum" (@ 1:15). Anyone recognize what he says at (1:35) ? .............................................................................................................................
When I was younger I aspired to work at Krogers and bag groceries. My mother was disappointed. Then my sister was born and revealed she wanted 'to be famous', like the people on Jerry Springer! God bless, younger siblings. ............................................................................................................................. Over Heard Moments in Ptexan's Life
Annoyed husband at Restaurant: I like you better when you drink. Equally Pissed Wife: I like you better when I drink too.
Man in Suit:Every day I try to do something out of my comfort zone, like hanging out with you.
Officer: Immediately! Intern: Like now, immediately? ---You're getting warmer ............................................................................................................................. Why do people talk about ‘girlie’ things but never ‘boyie’ things? ............................................................................................................................. Why Are You Allowed In Public?
This new section is dedicated to all of the geniuses I encounter daily. Like the teachers on an elementary school playground.
Art teacher, looking at another eating Pringles: Pringles are the perfect chip, based on the texture, shape, and lines. They fit perfectly in your mouth. History teacher: I don't know. If you asked me, I'd just prefer a Lay.
Because, clearly this couldn't be misinterpreted, or considered inappropriate conversation. .............................................................................................................................
Driving to class, I saw a biker signaling left. Another car rolled by and tried giving him a high five instead. The man fell over. I'm still laughing. .............................................................................................................................
Can you describe your life with a six word sentence? Here's mine: I dare to be me,everyday. Or perhaps it's: I'm inspired by a thinking heart. PC's are for the cool kids?.... .............................................................................................................................
Word of the Week
Chronoptimist Function: (adj)
A person who always under estimates the time necessary to do something or get somewhere.
"Hey, Sarah. You know my parents are expecting us in 20 minutes." "No problem. I just have to wash the dishes, take a shower, do my hair, walk the dog, trim the bushes, and then I'm all good to go. See you in 15!"
*This word was (again) inspired by the bestie, Zahra who is a chronic optimist. ............................................................................................................................. ATTN everyone on Twitter:
The question asked of you is: What are you doing? No mandate to share random thoughts exists. Please take note.
Also: Follow me :) ............................................................................................................................. 23,040 minutes.384 hours. 15 days until the 46th Annual ISNA Convention in D.C.
I'll be heading out at about 5 am with Zahra and Co. 7+ hours in a car can make you do some crazy things but, as long as I get my McDonalads Breakfast w/hot Cocoa and The Script CD I'm a happy camper.
Random Text of The Week//Where Do I Find these People?
For those of you who are oblivious to my attending the number 6 party school in the United States behold my friend Amber.
Amber (S): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it Me: We call that spaghetti Os
The sad part is she was completely serious, and not high. .............................................................................................................................
When talking on the phone why do people say "oh well, I'm gonna let you go." I mean technically, if you go, I go. And, I didn't know that I was applying for your attention but, this is obviously a minor detail.
People usually say things like this actually meaning, I want to get off the phone now because I hate talking to you, but I'll pretend that I'm being polite by letting you go back to whatever boring crap you would be doing if you weren't talking to me. And the worse part of it is that I'm a total I'll let you go-er.
What's your bad phone habit? .............................................................................................................................
Useless information I learn as a Marriage and Family Relationship therapist
According to the Museum of Sex, the vibrator was originally used as a medicinal treatment for female "hysteria" during the 19th century. The vibrator-induced orgasms helped doctors dissipate hysteria's anxiety-related symptoms.
There are approximately 45 billion fat cells in an average adult.
Impotence is grounds for divorce in 26 U.S. states.
............................................................................................................................ When airplanes land why do the people suddenly feel the need to start clapping? .............................................................................................................................
Anyone click on some of the links in my new nav bar? Try checking out the Perplxin-ictionary. It's a combination of words, phrases, and fun time facts, like a dictionary, that helps you navigate and understand the blog! .............................................................................................................................
Here about the newest craze? A PC game that allows players to gang rape virtual women – and then force them to have an abortion – has been banned from Amazon. It's a virtual rape videogame. Honestly, I wish I just made that up but, unfortunately it exists. ............................................................................................................................. If dawn breaks, does dusk come together? .............................................................................................................................
I'm off for a weekend excursion. The location is near the upper midwest of the USA. It was at one point considered a busied music town and the car stealing capitol. There will be dancing and too many people for the area we'll be in. Anyone know where I'm going?
For More Funtime Fragments Don't Forget to Check Out: Half Past Kissin' Time
Since the Bronchitis post I've come to realize how very often we take things like urinating and breathing without opening our mouths for granted. Friday night I burst into tears then, I stopped breathing. Yes, actually stopped breathing. No worries it's not nearly as exciting or traumatic as it sounds. Or perhaps this is because I passed out and don't remember.
My mother picked me up from my condo drove two hours home where she ushered me inside her house all too eager to cram random drugs down my throat. Let us recall that my throat was closing up, placing something--anything-- down my tube would only cause me to pass out....again. But, alas this is my mother and drugs, ducktape, and lemon juice could heal the world. Luckily however she stopped at the drugs. I was rushed to Urgent Care where I was more properly diagnosed. You readers are unaware that despite my diagnosis I didn't get it from a Doctor. No, no, no going to the Doctor when you feel ill would have been all too realistic, I WebMD --cause I'm a baller. But, I'm also a baller with 4 infections. *sad face* Yes, 4-- throat, lung, double ear, and sinus. The good news though is that I was right! I do have bronchitis...just in addition to the other 4 infections I didn't anticipate or the 101 fever. But other than that stuff I was right. The doctor gave me 5 prescription meds which means I'm about as doped up as Whitney.
As a result I lay around on the couch and think of various things Blogworthy. Here are a list of things I think about:
If I had to choose between using the effort I have to blog or pee which would I do?
If a man is a jerk and he's afraid of commitment is he jerk chicken?
What ever happened to Dustin Diamond?
I think the answer to number 1 is obvious
Who thought of the order that numbers go in? I mean doesn't six sound smaller than five. Listen to it...Fi--IVE-uh
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
Do they bury people with their braces on?
If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states.
McDonalds should start selling babies. It would lower the fertility rates, increase adoptions, and answer the age old question "where DO babies come from?"
Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
In closing I leave you with this, my doctor prescribed steroids because apparently they heal the world. Then he added "so your throat won't be the only thing swelling and tender to touch." But, I feel like doctors shouldn't have to prescribe cup sizes, just drugs. I've Also been thinking about the Swine Flu an awful lot. Could I have the Swine Flu--my symptoms match perfectly. But, I've never had swine except once at Chuckie E Cheese's when I was 6. How was I supposed to know that pork wasn't exclusive to Pepperoni? The Muslim with Swine Flu--you heard it first!
The good news is I don't have strep, the bad news is it's Bronchitis. Which actually sucks way more than strep because it impacts my actually breathing and last for twice the amount of time as strep. The good news, again, however is that because I can barely breathe I don't do alot of eating which resulted in a 8lb weight loss over the past week. Remember the whole rant on how Lent was resulting in my weight gain, will now I have the results I was searching for. But, are they in the method I hoped, most certainly not. So this week's lesson is about being careful about what you wish for. How often it is we sigh saying "I wish that was me" or "I wish things were different" But, do we really? Dreams however are golden, they aren't like wishes. They are subconscious guides, the thing is they talk but, how often are we listening?Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only wishes.
Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #7
I attended my alma-matters (high school) fundraiser dinner last weekend--that's probably how I got broncho. Anyways, my semi-cousins were there.
The youngest one had a birthday, and I spent all day searching for the 'perfect gift'.I finally bought the toy the two year old always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag.
How does everyone like the new layout? A banner would help huh? Perhaps, once the laziness subsides. Any suggestions other than a banner? .............................................................................................................
Over Heard Moments in Ptexan's Life:
Fat preppy girl: Oh my god! Is that a rhinoceros? I didn't know they still existed! Friend: Yeah, that's one right there. Preppy girl: But I thought dinosaurs were extinct?
Female customer: Do you guys have the Wizard of Oz? Salesperson: Uh, I think that would be in "foreign."-- Yes because Oz also existed.
Extremely loud PTA 'Parent': Okay, let me check on that for you. That is "c" as in "Sam"?--yeaaaah. .............................................................................................. I finally get to use an fml on behalf of my sister. Today, we went shopping at Macy's for swimsuits with my mom. She told my mom that she hated all the suits there, and that she wanted to get them at Dick's Sporting Goods instead. My mother then said, in a loud voice, "STOP BEING SO OBSESSED WITH DICKS!" Half the store stared at her.
My brother called me today to ask, "If you came with instructions, what would they say?" I considered:Caution contents may be hot but, then I decided on warning objects are closer than they appear. Take that as you please. ......................................................................................
Word of the Week 'Opposite Marriage'
The P.C. way to specify the legal union of a man and a woman, as made popular by Miss California at the 2009 Miss USA pageant.
MISS CALIFORNIA: "We live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage"
My father wants me to visit him this summer. I would except he agitates me. I love him dearly, I just don't exactly like him.
I will further consult myself and possibly blog about it later. ............................................................................................
Many of you must be accustomed to a dishwasher but a better part of the world still hand washes the dishes. They either towel dries them or puts them up in racks for air drying. No doubt air-drying is a better method and to max this is the Trio Dish Drier. What’s special about this one, is that it’s got these cute little containers at the bottom of the rack that houses herbs. Essentially, the residual water from the washed dishes trickles down to the plants to water them. Nice!
........................................................................................ Not gonna lie I was semi-depressed that no one commented on my last post. So I stopped posting as a punishment to you non-commenters. Of course it was about this time that I realized the post had been saved as a draft for two days and then I had accidentally disabled comments. :|
Forgive me readers? I'll give you candy :) .................................................................................................
Ron Paul delivers babies without his hands. He simply reads them the Bill of Rights and they crawl out in anticipation of freedom. ................................................................................................................
I fail at being an elementary school teacher.
A 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it.
The week has trickled off to an ending and instead of feeling my usual ecstatic self all I know is that I need more than this. Somewhere between procrastinating, crying, and episodes of House I realized I've got to be more than the change I see in the world. I've got to be the world.
So perhaps, I won't be the entire world but, I've got to be a piece larger than I am now. So double the fragments, and double the possibilities!
Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #4
My brother is becoming increasingly ignorant. I think Rice was a complete waste of money. I asked him why he has yet to marry to which he answered "Oh her shipping and handling price was too high." :|
I instructed him that this was ridiculous females do NOT have shipping and handling cost. He said, "No? Because this broad said I'd have to move her here, and deal with her." He said he'd ship her but, refused to handle her. ........................................................................................ The Nuns from Saint Marys came to visit the class this week. I'm not sure what happened to separation of church and state but, there they were in a public school. They gave the children 'holy water.' Billy asked if the whole school was holy. Apparently the sisters were running low on supplies as we caught them filling the small bottles in the school fountain.
Student # 1: So...how do blind people wipe their ass? Student # 2: The same way everyone else does. Oh...oh my god, that's gross, Wendy. Most people don't look at it.
Hot Male Parent # 1: Have you read or seen He's Not That Into You? Random girl, to uninterested guy:No. Hot Male Parent # 1: Well, I highly recommend you read it!
My sister to my brother: "You shut up! I'm genetically superior" -- who says that!? lol .........................................................................................................
Did You Know?!
Real diamonds can be made from peanut butter.
It is illegal to purchase or consume Jack Daniel's Whiskey in the town in which it is produced!
I went to see one of my best friends Zahra over S.break. We thought it would be funny if we could both fit into my old 'obese' sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably.
Over S.Break I went to get my nails done. I got a pedicure because not only did I want it but, I needed it. The lil Asian man doing my nails keep exclaiming how I needed to get them done more often....I beg to differ. Nails are not a medical condition. Anyways I told him that my feet were in such a bad condition because I'm a dancer. He said, "You either come mo often or you no dancing." I told him to stop dancing wasn't an option. I think he thought if I don't dance I won't have money, which means I can't get my nails done. This is also code for him basically thinking I was stripper :| .........................................................................................................
I bought this snazzy bracelet inspired by Twilight on Etsy.
Jealous?
[ left click and select view picture for enlargement]
......................................................................................................... Word of the week
Recessionista - A person who is able to stick to a tight budget while still managing to dress stylishly.
see also: Octomom .........................................................................................................
This week was about sharing, sharing with the world whatever you have to offer. Two students shared similar stories of death. I didn't know at the time they were the murders. One girl hugged her cat to death while the other placed her bunny in the family dryer. I felt bad but, laughed. It wasn't a quite laugh either. .........................................................................................................
There’s this whole movement about bringing back nature into the concrete jungles we’ve built in the past 100 years but this is probably the most direct yet indirect way of doing it. Those painted line dividers we see everywhere serve a huge purpose but in an attempt to humanize and naturalize them, designer Ji-Hye Koo covers them with Nature On A Tape - essentially a pre-potted strip of grass that’ll grow with no effort.
It’s sculptural and 3-dimensional but who’s gonna trim it tho? .........................................................................................................
I love when my grandma speaks to me in Spanish except when it's angry spanish. That usually ends crazy. Abuela quote of the week "In a calm sea, every man is a pilot." .........................................................................................................
I saw this little girl outside of the post office with her mom. She was in tears. Apparently she had discovered her first love and of course he disappointed.Her mothers snapped at her "Jessie, stop pouting! Boys never actually love girls. The heart of love is fear."
I scribbled she's wrong one a post-it note and tapped it on the window. I wonder if she believed me. .........................................................................................................
Ron Paul doesn't go the gym. He stays fit by exercising his civil rights. .........................................................................................................
This week in 4th grade we read Harriet the Spy. The children wouldn't stop calling her Whore-iette.
I don't like how the girl in the book behaves. So I let them keep doing it.
I gave up Oreos and Pizza for Lent, I gained 14lbs.
F my life.
I'm not even Christian
and I'm still hungry...
......................................................................................................... Instead of having the D-bag of the week I'm introducing
Useless information I learn as a Marriage and Family Relationship therapist
1.)In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than buy a condom!
2.)There are men in Guam whose job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the 1st time.
You know what sucks? Being with your parents and/or family in public. As earlier stated I'm on S.break and per request de madre I went on a family 'vacation', that has yet to end or technically begin for that matter. Confused? Well, apparently my aunt who works for American Airlines failed to actually book our flight. Which means a family of approximately 5 Muslims of assorted heights, age, and sketch activity stood in line at the airport for 2 hrs for absolutely no reason.
Airport security: "Ma'aam you do realize how terribly sketchy you and your clan appear ?" Mother: "Oh, everyone makes mistakes." Airport Security Member # 2: "A mistake would be forgetting to remove a belt, you however arrived 30 mins late to a non-existent flight."
Just as I was thinking about the embarrassment that is related to me I spied one of my students in a silvery ensemble that was way to seductive given her barely double digit age. She was not humming but, da*n near screaming this song through the escalator-like tunnel. And in case you missed the chorus it goes as follows:
"She wants to touch me (Woah), She wants to love me (Woah), She'll never leave me (Woah, woah, oh, oh), Don't trust a ho, Never trust a ho, Won't trust a ho, Won't trust me."
Now granted it is quite the catchy tune but, at what point do you just say 'screw CPS' and just beat your child?... because that would've been my breaking point. And then things got really interesting because the mother chimed in and a family across the way whispered "yeah that's what they said about your mom too."
Oh.
Moral of the story:My family is ruining me. We're leaving Tuesday. Muslims are shady by nature AND you should never trust a ho because she won't trust you.
The problem with community and mandatory family activities is that not only do they interpret the regularly scheduled programming that is, my life but, they also aim to ruin my life. My mother swears she told me about the 'Spring Community Picnic' before she forced me to go but, I know this is false. Because if she had told me about the picnic I would have created an elaborately in depth scene of illness in which I had an incurable/undiagnosed version of chicken poxes which prevents me from attending anything with the words family and community in the same phrase.
But, she didn't tell me about it and I assure you it was intentional. She didn't tell me because she knew he would be there. He is 3mu Ahmed, my 'uncle' --who actually isn't my uncle but, a meddling neighbor, who is forever eager to engage in unnecessary conversations geared towards getting me hitched and teaching me what 'real women act like.' Yes, he was sent here to destroy me.
It's a brisk 68 degrees outside. The sun is high but, not scorching and the grill is blaring in the wind. There's hamburgers, shawarma, hot dogs, and even emanpadas cooking away. The women are gossiping, as expected. The kids are terrorizing each other and it took the brothers 2 1/2 hours to set up a volleyball and badminton net but, only took them 5 minutes to arrange cars and trash cans for soccer goals. I put on my Welchs smile and gave my hugs/kisses/salams to more 'aunts' and 'uncles'. Thankfully we arrived an hour late; right as the food was ready but, he was still there.I look past him doing the 'I see you but will act like I don't ' glare then pattered off to the opposite end of the 'park'. I headed to play Volleyball with who I knew to be his visiting nephew (aged 16), his youngest son, and about 3 others. I tucked in my shades and asked, 'if girls can play to.' The strikingly attractive nephew answered me yes but, I heard him ask his cousin (in Arabic) if he knew who I was. Logan answered telling him(in Arabic) that I spoke Arabic.
I looked at the nephew, smiled, and prepared to embarrass him. I contemplated not embarrassing him but, my mad V-balling abilities & competitive nature wouldn't let me. Sucks for him. I was thirsty and started walking away. The nephew yelled "oh, quitting already?" I instructed him "Good thing you've got looks, cause you def. ain't got no game!"Yup, my game is legit and my trash talking is better. A sandy-haired, hazel-eyed, guy walks by and says "Never threaten girls with arms like hers." He glanced my way and flirted a smile. I was initially crepped by the fact that he had obviously been watching me but, was unnecessarily flattered at the same time. My sister acted as my brain and shouted towards him "That's not all those hands are good for!" Too bad she meant something non-overtly sexual.
He walked under the pavilion and immediately greeted 3mu Ahmed. Damn! Just my luck the one reason I would have actually wanted to come just willing hugged the #1 reason why I didn't want to come. I sat down next to my mother, my aunt (who actually isn't my aunt either), and my sister. My non-aunt-aunt smiles her so-lets-talk-about-when-your-gonna-start-making-babies-smile. I already knew this was bad news but before I could fake another chicken pox epidemic she bashfully glances over never Logan. It took me a moment to realize that she was insinuating that I should look into the prospect of her nephew. I place my watermelon down and inform her that I might have robbed his attention but, I'm not into robbing the cradle. The boy is what 16?! I asked how very old she actually thought I was. She said 15-17. First of all, 15-17 is not one age. Second of all, I don't think any boy aged 16 is ready to fully support a family involving me. 3mu Ahmed overhears my witty remark and feels so inclined to 'offer advice'.
The problem with Muslim men giving advice is that usually it's in blended English and references events that actually have nothing to do with their actual point. Somewhere in between 3mu Ahmed attempting at introducing me to the older of the two nephews he started talking to me about how "proper wives" let their husbands watch Law and Order. Apparently last night my no-so-aunt-aunt wouldn't let him watch the episode because she feared he would have nightmares....AWK-ward. [Insert F My Life here.]
I informed 3mu Ahmed that "proper wives" know how to please their husbands while maintaining their self dignity, and please God all the while.
He asked:" So you will not wear heels and look good? Me: "Well, I tend to look good anyways but, I think heels could have their purpose." Him: "Burpose like what?" Me:" Uh..I don't know, slamming down the pedal and driving to Wendy's for dinner."
He had a huge fuss about women not knowing what a kitchen was made for and burning biryianni/Cous cous. I let him know that I don't do biryanni. I can eat it; but no biryanni cooking would happen on my behalf. The older, gorgeous, nephew let out a chuckle and said, "sounds like my kinda proper wife." I said, "a proper wife knows how to use all of her available resources, including Wendy's." While I may cook well that's not my entire worth. Besides, if I should end up in a Law & Order type episode I'll need a good alibi. "@ 10pm, Oh I was at Wendy's last night, drive-thru, all on tape" works wonders. And then, they'll search my trash and find the remnants and I won't go to jail.
So you see 3mu Ahmed a "proper wife" saved her husband from prison, put dinner on the table, and caught an episode of Law & Order all in a pair of heels. I ended my argument stating that while he might have had nightmares last night, to some man out there (that isn't 16) I am his dream (waiting to) come true.
Reason # 234 why marrying seems less appealing: "Boys Will Be Boys"
-"stop being a boy;step-up and be a man!"
Some people call me a pessimist of love but, I'm not. I'm just a realist. I've only been alive a few decades but, those decades have forced me to realize the actuality that is, love and being loved. I'm not the most profound of lovers but, I know enough to make the boys turn pink. Somewhere in between being hit on in hijab and realizing that virgin doesn't always refer to a non-alcoholic mix I learned that boys will be boys and a few other helpfuls. Too often and too cliched is the above quote, never thought I'd hear it personally, especially coming from my mouth...
Saturday, I stopped by (my -ex/varsity) high-school girls volleyball game. They lost. They deserved it. Maybe it's just me but, I feel like if you're wearing hijab you shouldn't be pulling up your jersey to tie it in the back. This isn't a J.Lo video and the ref isn't Ricky Martin; put some clothes on. Even without the religious aspect two girls showed up in jeans. Jeans?! Seriously, what kinda damage are you planning on spiking down in a pair of low rise jeans?Some of these girls aren't aware of their worth to the opposite gender but, trust you me dollface, jeans have ruined many relationships. I've broken a few hearts and maybe fewer spirits in some jeans, and I'm damn proud of it. The difference is I knew what I was doing.
One of the girls 16, in her low-rise hipsters, told me her 'tentative fiance'- whatever that means-- was supposed to surprise her. He didn't, but his best friend did. I could tell you about the drama that ensued over him (the best friend) whistling from the bleachers every time she went for a dig; I could describe the way her jeans hugged her hips and winked with her every sway;I could tell you that her fiance missed more than a game, he missed a whole peep show. But, I won't. Instead, I'll explain how she not only got the fiance's best friends' attention but, a few of the opposing teams' brothers,boyfriends, and even fathers. Oh yes fathers, in fact, one of them yelled "Don't matter if she looses, as long as she gets low I'm winning." Then he reached over to hi-5 his son with a huge grin. The wife, and mother simply turned the other cheek and my poor hip-swinging, baby shamefully exited stage left with clouds of tears filling her eyes.
As I headed over to console I darted a lasting glare of judgment at the father-son, douche bag-duo. I looked after them and whispered, "Is this what kind of man you want to be?" The bleachers fell silent, no one dared move. I took the first step and shifted towards the locker room to hold my unassuming bit of innocence. She cried until her heart stopped pounding and whimpered into my breast "sorry, I didn't know.... I didn't mean to..." I asked her what she thought would happen with her dressing so scandalously. She said all too honest, "I thought he would be here & I thought he would love me."
"Is it better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all?" She was so consumed with pleasing him that she lost herself in search of him. Men never actually mature; they grow older but, do they ever grow up? Boys will be boys; but I'm not a girl. I need a man, I want to feel safe and secure in his passionate embrace. I want to be turned on by mind and become moistened by his thoughts. I left the game and texted another him.
Me: I can't do this anymore, every time we talk it's either a one-word response or none at all. Him: WTF! Me: Yeah, I'm done. I can't stand not knowing where I stand. Him: Ok, lol. Me: I just guess I thought this time around especially with you it would be different. Him:I'm not ready for any relationship. Me:And I'm not looking for one... Him:Than what do you want from me? Me:Nothing.
And with that I deleted yet another soul from my passionate book of contacts. It's not that I don't love him, it's not that he doesn't not love me. But, he's been here longer than me. He's supposed to be stronger than me and yet, merely texting him leaves me weak. Somethings not right and for once I know I'm not what's wrong. Makes you think,'what would the world be like if Eve was the forbidden fruit?'
It's 4:45 am. It's amazing how perfect strangers impact the person you are both today and tomorrow.I stand in line at Khol's watching the man in khakis lay on the ground. Then there's an 8 month pregnant chick being smashed into the sliding glass doors. Over and Over and Over again. Then there's that 35ish yr. old man who suffered a severe head trauma after being trampled by angry 'bargain shoppers'. I wonder if he could buy back his life if they had killed him. Or maybe a bit of self-conscious dignity would be buy-one-get-one 50% off. Funny how the mob has several heads yet no brain. I was angered for a had no new shoes, then I met a man who had new legs. And appreciation is something that only comes with loss.
The 3 of us arrived at Saxs that morning in Jessie's 2006 Land Rover. We are dressed in Uggs and designer jeans. It's not about the labels though. It's about the meaning they carry. For me, Uggs are like walking on clouds. They are a comfort. Jessie values the fact that her parents can afford them. They are a symbol of status. And for Zahra her Uggs mean accomplishment. She earned the right to wear them. They are only a reflection of her inward sense of accomplishment. We giggled our way past the cascading doors and by the man in the red suit. He was a tall man but of medium build and rings a bell for a living. His job is simple; raise funds. Proceeds benefit the Salvation Army & Riley's Hospital for Children. It really is a good cause, but I didn't give a dime.
He bothers me and won't stop watching my expressions. He sees something in me that I don't see in myself. I wish I knew what it is. I grow nauseous glaring at his sign which reads "Need has NO season. Now is the time." Here I was about to drop an easy 300$ within an hour but, I couldn't stop for 1 second to donate 1$, to a dieing child. I was sliding my card for a new iTouch when a tear escaped my eye. Temptation was killing me. But, ignorance would be the death of me. I knew better. Zahra squeezed my hand tightly, almost breaking my circulation and silently walks me out of the store. "I couldn't stand it either" she whispered. I put a 50$ bill in the mans red bucket and a 10$ bill in his pocket.
The world went still. He was proud. He looks at me, "you know sunshine, If you really want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." The sudden need to vomit disappeared. The temptation to overindulge subsided. We left the mall in the same shoes, same clothes that we arrived. We just sported different labels.
Thanksgiving Day Part II
Way back when me and "Mr.Hopeful" still had a possibility of being together and getting married he said something that really bothered me. He said, "even if you leave and are happy I'll still have a part of you." He meant it in a semi-enduring manner, a - oh yeah well if you leave i'll still love you- type tone. The only problem is now it's become the truth. I haven't spoken to him in about 9 months, I mean we speak but, we don't talk. You see when people say "Hey how are you?" They don't really want to know how you are. It's a common courtesy to check- ya know just in case. The thing is somewhere along the lines of me maturing, challenging my own ideals and discovering self, he lost his. He's fallen into habits like you wouldn't believe.
Before we left his place his mother asked him to go into the kitchen and fitch something. Because he couldn't find it he got in her face and called her a "dumb fu*k", and no unfortunately he didn't stop there. And she, well, she just took it. We left his family's headed for mine and the brilliant Thanksgiving spread which awaited us. We dropped him off at a friends house. He stole an unwanted hug and waved g'bye. She glared at me like she knew me. But, after the whole ordeal on Black Friday I was in NO mood to be labeled. Sarah's the latest fling on his list of things 'to do'. She's a small brunette too tall for her weight and more conniving than most give her credit for. [See post here] She's found a way to capture his attention for now and I'm ok with that. In fact, I'm thinking, I'm the only one "Ok" with it. I do not believe anyone wants them to be happy, not even themselves.
Anyways-Me, his mom, and sisters sat in the black Camry heat on high, windows rolled low. My bangs escaped my scarf and fluttered into my blushed face. The music was blaring the mood was soft, exact. Then his mom swiftly glances back and says "you know this is all your fault" She wasn't angry she just seemed so certain, matter of fact. 'This whole thing, with her-Sarah. It's your fault.' My fault?
The rain trickles down my nose and I feel my cheeks flush hot red. I run inside my room, it's temperature is a minty shelter of heat. I stand on my tippy toes glancing from the pier and see the bright parade of umbrellas which seemingly march on their own, like little ants across the campus square.Each of the different colors makes the sidewalk seem so alive, happy, and liberated. I push my bed into the very center of my room,just cause I can, and there I sit, still moist from the rain, and there I hide. I bury myself deep beneath my fluffed and pampered sheets. Then, I smile. I giggle and think 'now, I'm safe'.
It's precisely days like this where the rain won't stop and the wind sings a song I want hot cocoa. It's the minutes slowly ticking by with such precision that I remember. It's the world that matters not it's people. It's times I like this I wish I could capture forever. It's these type of seconds that I wish I was married. Married not for the title or the commitment but just so I would have a partner to get lazy with my love.
I went on a trip last weekend, spelunking. Although I must admit it wasn't my ideal weekend, I give the coordinator my undying gratitude. No pun intended. Even now as I try scanning my vocabulary of SAT prep words I find none that describe what happened that fatal evening in Marengo Caves. The short version however, is that I attended a youth training seminar about God's miracles and life after death. We went through every step of the 'dieing' process ..but not verbally. We lay in mock graves, listened to about 10 minutes of tears and condolences from our 'family and friends'. Then the 'coffins' were lowered. Silently we sat listening to a CD were we were asked every question imaginable regarding our actions/deeds/and intentions while on this Earth. I've never been so touched. Even I the concrete angel who never exposes delicate emotion....cried.
It's different once you're gone. All I could remember were all things I meant to do. Every time I meant to say something. Knowing as I lay in those tight spaces that there was a chance I may not escape, the regret poured in. Now almost a week has passed since I got back from that fateful weekend. Still everyone wonders why I have a sudden pep in step and giggle in my voice. My friends all have their guesses: a raise at work, good grades, new car, some even guessed a new love. The truth is I found a new love, Islam. And,you would too if you had died.
From lesson plans to wedding bands this 2o-something yr. old, she-muslim blogger always begs to differ. The only problem is that between her life as a Kinney-garden (KG) teacher and career as a marriage counselor she tends to skip the small print. Did she forget to mention she's also a full-time student and fitness nutritionist? So she eats her daily vitamins and colors outside the lines to keep her grounded.
Life has taught her she's never the same person two days in a row and will forever enjoy decent conversation, good food, and better books. I'm worth more than I am worthless, so go ahead and read my TMI confessionary tales of time outs,tantrums, and pre-nups.
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