3.07.2009

I'll Stop The World & Melt With You...


T
he problem with community and mandatory family activities is that not only do they interpret the regularly scheduled programming that is, my life but, they also aim to ruin my life. My mother swears she told me about the 'Spring Community Picnic' before she forced me to go but, I know this is false. Because if she had told me about the picnic I would have created an elaborately in depth scene of illness in which I had an incurable/undiagnosed version of chicken poxes which prevents me from attending anything with the words family and community in the same phrase.

But, she didn't tell me about it and I assure you it was intentional. She didn't tell me because she knew he would be there. He is 3mu Ahmed, my 'uncle' --who actually isn't my uncle but, a meddling neighbor, who is forever eager to engage in unnecessary conversations geared towards getting me hitched and teaching me what 'real women act like.' Yes, he was sent here to destroy me.

It's a brisk 68 degrees outside. The sun is high but, not scorching and the grill is blaring in the wind. There's hamburgers, shawarma, hot dogs, and even emanpadas cooking away. The women are gossiping, as expected. The kids are terrorizing each other and it took the brothers 2 1/2 hours to set up a volleyball and badminton net but, only took them 5 minutes to arrange cars and trash cans for soccer goals. I put on my Welchs smile and gave my hugs/kisses/salams to more 'aunts' and 'uncles'. Thankfully we arrived an hour late; right as the food was ready but, he was still there.I look past him doing the 'I see you but will act like I don't ' glare then pattered off to the opposite end of the 'park'. I headed to play Volleyball with who I knew to be his visiting nephew (aged 16), his youngest son, and about 3 others. I tucked in my shades and asked, 'if girls can play to.' The strikingly attractive nephew answered me yes but, I heard him ask his cousin (in Arabic) if he knew who I was. Logan answered telling him(in Arabic) that I spoke Arabic.

I looked at the nephew, smiled, and prepared to embarrass him. I contemplated not embarrassing him but, my mad V-balling abilities & competitive nature wouldn't let me. Sucks for him. I was thirsty and started walking away. The nephew yelled "oh, quitting already?" I instructed him "Good thing you've got looks, cause you def. ain't got no game!"Yup, my game is legit and my trash talking is better. A sandy-haired, hazel-eyed, guy walks by and says "Never threaten girls with arms like hers." He glanced my way and flirted a smile. I was initially crepped by the fact that he had obviously been watching me but, was unnecessarily flattered at the same time. My sister acted as my brain and shouted towards him "That's not all those hands are good for!" Too bad she meant something non-overtly sexual.

He walked under the pavilion and immediately greeted 3mu Ahmed. Damn! Just my luck the one reason I would have actually wanted to come just willing hugged the #1 reason why I didn't want to come. I sat down next to my mother, my aunt (who actually isn't my aunt either), and my sister. My non-aunt-aunt smiles her so-lets-talk-about-when-your-gonna-start-making-babies-smile. I already knew this was bad news but before I could fake another chicken pox epidemic she bashfully glances over never Logan. It took me a moment to realize that she was insinuating that I should look into the prospect of her nephew. I place my watermelon down and inform her that I might have robbed his attention but, I'm not into robbing the cradle. The boy is what 16?! I asked how very old she actually thought I was. She said 15-17. First of all, 15-17 is not one age. Second of all, I don't think any boy aged 16 is ready to fully support a family involving me. 3mu Ahmed overhears my witty remark and feels so inclined to 'offer advice'.

The problem with Muslim men giving advice is that usually it's in blended English and references events that actually have nothing to do with their actual point. Somewhere in between 3mu Ahmed attempting at introducing me to the older of the two nephews he started talking to me about how "proper wives" let their husbands watch Law and Order. Apparently last night my no-so-aunt-aunt wouldn't let him watch the episode because she feared he would have nightmares....AWK-ward. [Insert F My Life here.]

I informed 3mu Ahmed that "proper wives" know how to please their husbands while maintaining their self dignity, and please God all the while.

He asked:" So you will not wear heels and look good?
Me: "Well, I tend to look good anyways but, I think heels could have their purpose."
Him: "Burpose like what?"
Me:" Uh..I don't know, slamming down the pedal and driving to Wendy's for dinner."

He had a huge fuss about women not knowing what a kitchen was made for and burning biryianni/Cous cous. I let him know that I don't do biryanni. I can eat it; but no biryanni cooking would happen on my behalf. The older, gorgeous, nephew let out a chuckle and said, "sounds like my kinda proper wife." I said, "a proper wife knows how to use all of her available resources, including Wendy's." While I may cook well that's not my entire worth. Besides, if I should end up in a Law & Order type episode I'll need a good alibi. "@ 10pm, Oh I was at Wendy's last night, drive-thru, all on tape" works wonders. And then, they'll search my trash and find the remnants and I won't go to jail.

So you see 3mu Ahmed a "proper wife" saved her husband from prison, put dinner on the table, and caught an episode of Law & Order all in a pair of heels. I ended my argument stating that while he might have had nightmares last night, to some man out there (that isn't 16) I am his dream (waiting to) come true.

13 comments:

HOPELESSBELIEVER said...

LOL, you go girl!!!! I love this post! It is so good to hear a young woman take up for what she truly believes in regardless of the peer presure or the pressure elders like to impose. I'm 44 yrs. old, and when I was young, it wasn't the most popular thing to do.... speak your mind! But don't you ever stop!! And I know there is someone out there that will see you as a dream come true for sure! take care my friend,
Julian :)

American Muslima Writer said...

Darlin you should get paid to open your mouth! *in a non sexual way ;)* i love you speak ur opinions right out. Soo funny the volleyball stuff.
And awesome aliby for Wendys :)
LOL man I"m laughing so much.

Mina said...

Lol that made my day, you tell him how it is...

Anonymous said...

LOL! Love it, I wish these type of things were acceptable where I come from

Constructive Attitude said...

i totally agree with the cooking thing and am so glad that you said what you said about it all :D

Anniebanannie said...

Way to stand up for yourself girl!

Lisa said...

I think we have the next Bill Maher only without the anti-religious/far left material. I'm seriously loving your material Perplxin. Your comments today are the ones that have stuck with me the most. Love you!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Now that was an interesting recap! I really like how you write. Very witty :)

MarjnHomer said...

this has been my fave post yet! lol at the uncle. i hate meddlin "relatives" like that who think a girl needs to be married, pregnant and cookin for her hubby. girls are more than that to thier hubbies. they are lifetime companions who give comfort and support.

Mrs. Cullen said...

You've been tagged!!

Aynur said...

OMG that's hilarious!

Umm Omar said...

You are too funny! And you're community sounds an awful lot like my community...then again, they're probably all the same!

z-dizzle said...

oh 3mu Ahmad! ugh i feel you...i had a similar situation happen to me, and it was weird. I'm not as outspoken as you are so i just them go on about how i will have to act once i marry "him"....