Showing posts with label My Drama IS My Mama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Drama IS My Mama. Show all posts

7.01.2009

Conversations W/Muslims #22- I'll Survive on Little Victories

It's time for another exciting portion of reasons why old people shouldn't be allowed to touch anything...but themselves.


(better known as reasons why my mother doesn't deserve a cell/shouldn't text)


Me: Mama I can't find the 20$ I found today.
Mama: Maybe it's a sign.
Me:Like what?
Mama: I don't know I don't make signs. I just follow them.
Mama: Like stop, go, yield, traffic slow ahead.
Me: Where have you ever seen a "Go" sign?
Mama:That's just it I haven't found it yet!
Mama:I'm sure my exit is approaching soon though. L0l
Me: That's gross don't use short hand, you're over the hill.
Mama:Yeah, that's where I found the traffic is slow ahead sign. You're father had it.

(30 minutes later)
Me: I found it, never mind.
Mama: Where?!
Me: Not the sign. the money. Unless the money is the sign.
Mama:Great! If you were still bummed I was gonna suggest getting Sea herpes.
Mama: I mean Sea Horses. Sea horses.

4.23.2009

Friday Fragments//Jumu'ah Jottings # 7-- & Now I'm Stuck Swimming In Your Thoughts, or Perhaps Drowning in My Own

The good news is I don't have strep, the bad news is it's Bronchitis. Which actually sucks way more than strep because it impacts my actually breathing and last for twice the amount of time as strep. The good news, again, however is that because I can barely breathe I don't do alot of eating which resulted in a 8lb weight loss over the past week. Remember the whole rant on how Lent was resulting in my weight gain, will now I have the results I was searching for. But, are they in the method I hoped, most certainly not. So this week's lesson is about being careful about what you wish for. How often it is we sigh saying "I wish that was me" or "I wish things were different" But, do we really? Dreams however are golden, they aren't like wishes. They are subconscious guides, the thing is they talk but, how often are we listening?Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only wishes.


Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #7

I attended my alma-matters (high school) fundraiser dinner last weekend--that's probably how I got broncho. Anyways, my semi-cousins were there.

The youngest one had a birthday, and I spent all day searching for the 'perfect gift'.I finally bought the toy the two year old always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag.

GRrr!
......................................................................................................................

How does everyone like the new layout? A banner would help huh? Perhaps, once the laziness subsides. Any suggestions other than a banner?
.............................................................................................................

Over Heard Moments in Ptexan's Life:

Fat preppy girl: Oh my god! Is that a rhinoceros? I didn't know they still existed!
Friend: Yeah, that's one right there.
Preppy girl: But I thought dinosaurs were extinct?

Female customer: Do you guys have the Wizard of Oz?
Salesperson: Uh, I think that would be in "foreign."-- Yes because Oz also existed.

Extremely loud PTA 'Parent': Okay, let me check on that for you. That is "c" as in "Sam"?--yeaaaah.
..............................................................................................
I finally get to use an fml on behalf of my sister. Today, we went shopping at Macy's for swimsuits with my mom. She told my mom that she hated all the suits there, and that she wanted to get them at Dick's Sporting Goods instead. My mother then said, in a loud voice, "STOP BEING SO OBSESSED WITH DICKS!" Half the store stared at her.

FHERLIFE
.............................................................................................................

Did You Know?!

  • Did you know that on July 8th 2009 at 5 minutes and 6 seconds after 4am it will be 040506070809 and that this will NEVER happen again for 100 years?
  • A shrimp's heart is in its head.
  • Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
.............................................................................................................

My brother called me today to ask, "If you came with instructions, what would they say?" I considered:Caution contents may be hot but, then I decided on warning objects are closer than they appear. Take that as you please.
......................................................................................

Word of the Week

'Opposite Marriage'


The P.C. way to specify the legal union of a man and a woman, as made popular by Miss California at the 2009 Miss USA pageant.

MISS CALIFORNIA: "We live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage"

..........................................................................................................................................

My father wants me to visit him this summer. I would except he agitates me. I love him dearly, I just don't exactly like him.

I will further consult myself and possibly blog about it later.
............................................................................................

Many of you must be accustomed to a dishwasher but a better part of the world still hand washes the dishes. They either towel dries them or puts them up in racks for air drying. No doubt air-drying is a better method and to max this is the Trio Dish Drier. What’s special about this one, is that it’s got these cute little containers at the bottom of the rack that houses herbs. Essentially, the residual water from the washed dishes trickles down to the plants to water them. Nice!



........................................................................................
Not gonna lie I was semi-depressed that no one commented on my last post. So I stopped posting as a punishment to you non-commenters. Of course it was about this time that I realized the post had been saved as a draft for two days and then I had accidentally disabled comments. :|

Forgive me readers? I'll give you candy :)
.................................................................................................

(Forgot to post this Easter pic)
................................................................................................................

Ron Paul delivers babies without his hands. He simply reads them the
Bill of Rights and they crawl out in anticipation of freedom.
................................................................................................................

I fail at being an elementary school teacher.

A 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it.

(whoops, my bad)

.................................................................................................................

Useless information I learn as a Marriage and Family Relationship therapist

(coming soon, i.e. post sleep.)

..........................................................................................


3.22.2009

Give Me Something To Believe In Beacuse I Don't Belive In You Anymore...

Confession of The Month:

I think I've fallen. Oh yes, it was soft, sweet and so gentle I barely saw it coming. In fact, I didn't see it coming. The worst part of it all is that neither did he. Or perhaps he did and part of him wanted me to be left trapped falling in his loving gravity. And as often as I claim I fall I would be proud to fall for such a dimpled brunette. Yes, he's prefect. He'll fit in great with the family, especially considering he's already part of it.
............................................................................................................


So there you have it I, Ms.PerplxinTexan, on March 19th of the year 2009 fell for her cousin. I know, I know 'how could you!?'. But, I instead ask how couldn't I? He's such a smart ass, and yes plays the guitar.But, before we get into all the blaming and gasping let us backtrack to the beginning. It's the night before we leave for D.C. and when I head to pick mom up from work; she dances right into the car barely whispering 'so we aren't going'. Now I'm sure at least half of you are thinking 'well damn that sucks, I mean you only rearranged you're entire life to go on a trip with your mother you didn't ever actually want to go on.' But, it doesn't suck. This is to be expected. This is what my mother does. I wouldn't be surprised if she had never actually booked any plane tickets.

In the same 'oh I kinda effed up your spring break' breathe she sighed out 'so they're coming here!' How mother is this exciting? You know I hate being seen in public with these things you produced known as my siblings and now you've gone and stepped it up by introducing cousins to the mix. What ever happened to breaks where I get to sleep all day? Can't I go back to being worthless? Of course she replied with, "Why of course not, you've got to clean the house and make tea". FYI- I'm allergic to tea. Ok, maybe I'm not but, I refuse to drink it and become all domesticated and refined.The night before the whole gang arrived for 'quality times of amusement' my mother announces (again in passing) to pack our bags we're visiting their house. Uh, WHAT!? We couldn't' go to their house, so they came to our house just for us to pack about 150 miles BACK to their house?!Fmylife.

Apparently the wretched economy doesn't impact everyone and my Uncle invested in another house. This house happens to be in a small neighborhood in Ohio which had an extensive amount of furniture missing. I asked where it went to which my aunt answered 'oh, darling you expect too much'. But, is it really expecting too much for you guys to have furniture?!

Out of the 3 bathrooms 1 is full stocked, out of the 5 bedrooms 2.5 are actually furnished, and in some parts of the house there isn't even electricity. The 6'0 ft creature of crisp golden honey skin comes down the stairs to instruct me to 'stop looking for furniture, the thieves aren't coming back'. This is my family's way of joking. Apparently they only bought this house because it has a pool. Everything else is a facade. Yes, even the people.

They made us go camping in the backyard because apparently it's cute. I left once I found out the 6 yr. old twins weren't potty-trained or wearing protection. The eldest cousin, 23, said I could stay in his room.-- mind you now this room was literally a room. He brought in a stack of Uno cards, Oreos, and John Mayer Cds. He said he couldn't swing the new Twilight DVD but, to 'have fun'. I asked him to stay awhile and 'just be.' He asked why I was forever so mysteriously enticing. I thought it weird my cousin just semi-hit on me but, let it slide for the sake of the Uno.The next 2 nights we spent basically memorizing each other.

I learned things I shouldn't have like the family's Farsi trends. My Aunt and uncle always speak in Farsi when they don't want us to know something. He's been listening in since 5, he knows everything. I told him about how I considered pricing myself on Ebay just to see how much I'd go for. He challenged me to a dance to the lamest of ignorant Miley Cyrus songs (Hoedown Throwdown), he showed me a picture that a girl sent him one time in hopes that it would catch his eye and he'd propose. She had a grill, and it was purple and lit up. I nearly died laughing.

I told him I blog, he said so does he. We sat quietly wondering if we've ever bumped into each other in cyberspace. Suddenly he grabbed my arm and said to follow him. His 'room' had a small crawl space-like attic with a piano, couch, and guitar. I knew better than to let him play so I instead offered. I played about a minute of Adele's First Love. I played until the 'I'm the only one in love' line when he nudged me aside and played Matt Nathanson's "Come on Get Higher". I stopped breathing when he sang "Just hold me down hard and drown me in love." As though he could hear everyone of my thoughts he stopped. He didn't dare look at me for I was the forbidden fruit.

Or so I thought.

Our mothers walked in like a gang of cackling hyenas. "Aren't you two cute!?" his mother gushed at me. Whatever. I crawled out of the confined space before I needed some serious CPR. His mother spoke in a Farsi-Arabic blend towards my mother. From what I understood, I got 'lucky they'll never work out'. Was this her way of saying I would make an unfit match for her son!? Well excuse the hell outta me for NOT having a neon-glow-in-the-dark grill. I spoke no more than 12 words until the next afternoon when we headed home.

That's when it happened.

He drove with me to pick up some on the road snacks from CVS. He let me rant about how selfish my mother was, how she was going to destroy me via cupcakes and hadiths. He laughed, I tried not to smile but, failed. The way home however, we resisted talking at all. Then he asked if he 'apologized would it matter?'. I had no clue what this was supposed to mean and in a sudden fit of oral diarrhea blurted out the 'lucky they'll never work out' comment and told him I don't have time for games. We would never be anything but, two people existing. Immediately ashamed I lowered my head and looked out the window. We arrived in silence, my family left for home soon after. We never said good bye.

About an hour outside of my suburban haven my mother asked what I said this time. I told her about what my aunt and the whole shabang. She laughed. She kept laughing. Then she explained that 'sometimes you don't have to say everything'. What my aunt whispered in Farsi was for my protection. It means "Lucky they aren't actually matches." In English that roughly translates to "lucky they aren't actual cousins."

3.16.2009

Tell Your Boyfriend if He's Got Beef I'm Vegetarian...

You know what sucks? Being with your parents and/or family in public. As earlier stated I'm on S.break and per request de madre I went on a family 'vacation', that has yet to end or technically begin for that matter. Confused? Well, apparently my aunt who works for American Airlines failed to actually book our flight. Which means a family of approximately 5 Muslims of assorted heights, age, and sketch activity stood in line at the airport for 2 hrs for absolutely no reason.

Airport security: "Ma'aam you do realize how terribly sketchy you and your clan appear ?"
Mother: "Oh, everyone makes mistakes."
Airport Security Member # 2: "A mistake would be forgetting to remove a belt, you however arrived 30 mins late to a non-existent flight."

Just as I was thinking about the embarrassment that is related to me I spied one of my students in a silvery ensemble that was way to seductive given her barely double digit age. She was not humming but, da*n near screaming this song through the escalator-like tunnel. And in case you missed the chorus it goes as follows:

"She wants to touch me (Woah),
She wants to love me (Woah),
She'll never leave me (Woah, woah, oh, oh),
Don't trust a ho,
Never trust a ho,
Won't trust a ho,
Won't trust me."

Now granted it is quite the catchy tune but, at what point do you just say 'screw CPS' and just beat your child?... because that would've been my breaking point. And then things got really interesting because the mother chimed in and a family across the way whispered "yeah that's what they said about your mom too."

Oh.

Moral of the story:My family is ruining me. We're leaving Tuesday. Muslims are shady by nature AND you should never trust a ho because she won't trust you.

3.12.2009

Jumu'ah Jottings//Friday Fragments # 3- I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane, Don't Know if I'll be Back Again...


This week's Friday fragments shall be extra fragmented since I'm leaving! No, no, not forever but, on a jet plane! I'm headed of to the East coast and D.C. for my Spring Break. My mother begged me to go as without me 'her life would be incomplete'. ....errr isn't that what husbands are for?! I guess I see her point though, I want to have kids so I can mess with them to. I mean you're only old once might as well screw up some youngins' life along the way right? Right.

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #3

Why is it that PMS and monthly cycles are psychic? They should call them psychic-lecs. Or PSYHIC-cles. Remember back in the day when you could say anything you want as along as it was followed by "PSYCH!" Periods always seem to appear during the one week of any given month in which I actually need to be alert/living. I know it's confusing but, for my life I don't usually need to be living just alive. Long story short, my period ended on Monday. THANK GAWD!



Some might argue that the above was TMI but, I know how much you enjoy bodily function-related rants. :)
.........................................................................................................

Last night while at work (the gym) one of my co-workers whispered the following statement to me. "Today, a creepy man on the bus said he liked my eyeballs." Apparently,it was the best compliment she'd received in months. At first I was sad for her but, then I saw her sniffing magic markers that people use to sign up for elliptical. I think she deserved that compliment.
- F My Life
.........................................................................................................
Did You Know?!



Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

What are we teaching the kids? Oh right, even Barbie would have boobs. Eat up kiddies!

.........................................................................................................


Over Heard Moment of the Week
:

The school I pre-student teach at keeps getting creepier and creepier. First I over heard the conversation between the mother and daughter as posted in last weekend FF/JJ. Then I over heard one of the middle-schoolers discussing this in the bathroom.

"Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me beca
use he felt really sick.I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there."

Wow, I understand I look younger than they expect but, have some shame. Get a new family and don't repeat that story. Ever.

The next day I brought her McDonalds. I didn't know what else to do.
.........................................................................................................


I caught two kids kissing in the hallway on Wednesday. They weren't mine. I considered letting them continue. But, then the pregnancy would be completely my fault. It was a Hispanic girl and a blue-eyed Caucasian twin. His brother is in my class so in interrupted.


Me: Sorry to break up the baby makin' kiddies but, kissing leads to cooties.
Boy: Ms. A we're in 5th grade we know there isn't such thing as cooties.
Girl:Yeah, just AIDS.



Oh well excuse the junk outta me. Do continue in your conquest to STDs. The conversation actually didn't end there but, that for next Friday iA.
.........................................................................................................

And now I'm off to pack my bags and pray for a safe landing in D.C.


3.06.2009

Friday Fragments// Jumu'ah Jottings # 2- Nothing Sounds As Sweet As What I Can't Have...


Last week really cleansed my palette. Unfortunately, this feeling didn't last long but, at least my bladder isn't full anymore. Last week I was urinating like a prego with quads on the way. In case you're wondering "Would you rather Wednesday" was canceled do to an epic emergency in my 4th grade this week--will blog about it later. No worries, this time the post has nothing to do with being fat or where boobs come from. :)


Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #2

When I was 4 I walked in on my dad showering/bathing alot. Don't worry I'm not traumatized, I never saw anything. He used to bathe in the dark. Sometimes I'd hear him talking and began to think someone was in there. Too much Disney convinced me that he had a mermaid, stripper, g/f named Ariel. For whatever reason I thought she only appeared if all the lights were off.


One day I turned off all the lights in the bathroom but, Ariel didn't appear. I told my brother this whole story and he said "Either Ariel is black or you did it wrong." I'm going to ignore the first and obviously racial slur. Instead I ask "how the hell do you turn the lights off wrong?!"
............................................................................................................

I was walking to my car last night when I saw a large man walking behind me. I hurried to open my car, as he was approaching quickly but, my door wasn't unlocking and I panicked. It was then I noticed it wasn't even my car.

As I walked away from the other car, he walked up and unlocked the door. - F My life.

.................................................................................................................

I waste an indescribable amount of time each day. In fact, I tend to convince myself that I'm early just to allot extra time for wasting.Of course I'm sharing some worthless yet, amusing links - so your lives will too be worthless! :)

*Stuffwhitepeoplelike.com- A way to get in touch with who you were really meant to be; don't deny it.

*http://www.fmylife.com/- My life always seems so much better when I laugh at other's misery.

*http://lmgtfy.com/- Let Me Google That For You is pretty much one of the most sarcastically unnecessary things ever created- other than me, of course.

.................................................................................................................

I've discovered how to make chocolate cake in less than 2 minutes. Of course this will result in an indescribable weight gain. But, for now it's simplicity has captured my short attention span.



The best part is the whole thing can be made in one mug & in the microwave!
You can find the entire recipe here
..........................................................................................................


Over Heard Tales from My Life

1."Who you are with your i-pod is who you are in life.."-- One of my students parent giving advice to me about my 'unacceptable and embarrassing' musical selections. Pft. Nancy Ajram, Briney Spears, Cat Stevens, Raef, & Spice Girls I don't see the issue.

2."It was so quiet you could hear a rat piss on cotton!" -- Ray J talking about God knows what but, who raised him? lol!

3."Style never goes out of fashion"-- Elizabeth (my sorority sister) commenting on why hijabis have no excuse in not matching their hijabs to their shoes.

4."I used to get penis all the time, now...not so much."-- My almost-Not so-Boss-Boss talking about his Spam inbox on Gmail. [Brilliant]

..........................................................................................................

My mother started menopause this month. I know you didn't want or need that piece of information but, neither did I. And she still shared it, now you're stuck with it too!
..........................................................................................................

The school I teach at is in the middle of bumfreak USA. I feel like I should report the parents sometimes but, I don't because then I'd have very little worth blogging.

Example Given

Father: And since I've started smoking cigars in the basement, you can smoke pot down there without your mom knowing.
Daughter: Wait, seriously?
Father: Yeah, just don't tell your brother. He already thinks you're the favorite.
..........................................................................................................

Douche Bag of the Week

Did you people hear about the genius who smoked his kitten? He claimed his cat was having a bad day and so he placed him into a bong. When asked why the man put the cat in the bong he replied with some bull about how when he has a bad day he smokes and feels better.

Umm, question how did he diagnose that the cat was depressed and where the hell is this man's family someone needs to diagnosis him.




PerplxintexanOwns!

8.12.2008

I'm Not Paralyzed But, I Seem To Be Struck by You...

MYNA Ocean pics 08"Let my memories flood over you as you sleep.
I will wait for the day when you capture me in that essence.
Then our two will be one."



You come over unannounced. Silence broken by your voice in the dark. I need you here tonight just like the ocean needs the waves.

People disappoint me. In all honesty why must humanity be so cruel? I went to a 'gathering' tonight. You know the ones designed by a couple of your closest friends to pit you up with some of the less close of your closer people. The awkward-text-while-acting-busy/distracted set-up.On the way home I couldn't help but, to think how blessed I was to be headed home. Then, it happened.

A friend of mine texted me something about my family. I don't think it would have hurt so much if it wasn't true, but it was. He said, "Congrats! On your lil brother". My brothers live in Texas. The girls do not. My parents decided sans me that this would change....overnight. I wish I would be clued into 'family' decisions. There is something about hearing things through the grapevine that really chills me to the bone. When it impacts me directly it matter more. But, I guess that's how everyone feels. This world is so selfish.

Yet, again I realize my friends are plagued by temptations from Saytan (and gave in). My parents are out to destroy me (despite their pleasant smiles and best intentions), my new roomate is stalking me (no joke), and I have another marriage proposal as of Friday. I did what I do best run and then take shelter.

This roughly translates to updating my blogger (like the changes?),de-activating my facebook (again), ignoring all 32 text/hr, jogging for 4 hrs straight, telling my mom I'm disappointed in her, and refusing to eat for 3 days. I'm not depressed though. Resentful and coping maybe that I am.

It's just sometimes I don't have the energy to prove everybody wrong... Or posses the will to stand up and pretend I'm strong. They all took their turns. Now when is my chance to give up?