I'm Not Lost, I'm Not Lost, Just Undiscovered...

Sometimes I think about the person I am, given the person I was. I review my old selves just to make it real for me, the current me. Way back when my mother still put my socks on my feet in the morning--despite the fact that I could successfully do this for over 6 years on my own--I had a greater appreciation for life. But, not just my life. No, I had a better appreciation for my life through others' lives and others' mistakes. Life tried interfering with that appreciation. And perhaps it's worked for say the last 8 years of my life but, today I found an old journal entry I wrote.

Dated October of 2000:
My lip hurts alot now. It's cause I bit it all day long. I bite like her.It's only because she does it. Everyone watches her when she pops the gum. I wonder what it tastes like.
It was written in gel pen on a piece of pink laced paper. It smells of Lilac and fresh laundry-- from the private school girl uniforms I used to wear I'm sure. It's about the jet-black haired girl that sat across from me everyday. There were always two captains. I was one and she was the other. She would chew gum and pop it making everyone on edge in that over populated classroom. I thought she was so cute with her bubbaliscious bubble gum and looping side ponytails. I hated her for the rest of the year but, only because I wanted to be her.

That was me. Always looking outward to receive inward approval. Was, being the operative word. I used to think it was cute, biting my lip. The trouble is alot of people agree. Now, I bit my lip in another way. Still people think it's cute.

I used to hate her, just like she hated me. Only trouble is I was hating the person I was trying so hard to be.If you cannot be a poet, be the poem, I thought. And how very foolish I was. Almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, and to gain applause which he cannot keep.

Lesson Learned in Grade 5:There is just one life for each of us: our own.


Sarah Alaoui said...

the most fascinating thing about this is that you were so honest. I know when I was younger I felt like this sometimes, but I don't think I ever wrote down "I want to be like her".

Cheryl said...

That's some crazy stuff you're learning in 5th grade.. In 5th grade, I was still struggling with the times table.

controlled chaos said...

I really liked this post.
Like REALLY liked it.

Anonymous said...

In 5th grade I believed my toys could come to life. Now, I know they do.

Good post.

OmegaRadium said...

Wow, that was a great post!

dapper kid said...

How beautifully honest. I think we probably all had those people in school we wanted to be like at first, but then realised how much better it was to be us. And I seem to bite my lip without realising it, thankfully I don't do it too often.

z-dizzle said...

i felt the same way

Hijabee said...

I think we've all experienced this at a point in our life. Those of us who are lucky grow out of it and learn to accept themselves and their imperfection. This was beautifully written!

Anonymous said...

Ugh, just write a book already.

Mona said...

There was always a girl I wanted to be. Sometimes I wish I could go back with confidence, but only for a short while. Good post.

Constructive Attitude said...

Now that I look back on it, it was so much harder to be someone i wasnt. i dont even know why i bothered. It was stressful!

Garage sale said...

James Morrison? I always listen to him when I take breaks from my "no music" periods.

Beautiful post, mash'Allah!

PerplxinTexan♥ said...

@ Sarah Alaoui- I was a more profound version of Harriet the spy, minus the Harriet and the spy but, other than that we were the same kid.

@ Cheryl- I still don't know my times tables.

@ CC- excited much? :)

@ Ano- Thanks for sharing. Not sure what to say to such a comment.

@ Omega Radium- Thanks.

@ DK- it was your post that triggered the memory. Reminds me of how much of that curly haired bubble gum eater we have in us all.

@ Z- You had an Alaa K in your class too? Perhaps we were bound to be friends

@ Hijabee- So I've heard, thanks for the wonderful compliment and keep me posted on the baby, of course.

@ Ano- I consider it more and more every day. Any suggestions?

@ Mona- I don't think I would go back. I think going back would alter the past but, also the future.

@ CA- Ugh, way too true. It was stressful, and unnecessary....well at least stressful. I think it's necessary to appreciate the person I am now.

@ Garage Sale- Yes, I've recently rediscovered him. No pun intended. It's weird because sometimes I feel like his words are actually mine. Further proof that everywhere I go I meet myself.