I Tried My Best To Be a Man and Be Strong; But the Truth Remains You're Gone...

Tonight I contemplated dialing 911...

and stating that my heart had been shot. There I sat watching it gush bits of inspiration, love,and trust. There are still bit's of it on the floor. I've always known this was going to happen. I mean it's one thing to realize a mistake, it's an entirely different scenario to actualize it's repercussions. I thought about my wounded heart and calling 911 the only problem is if the ambulance had come they would've taken a non- existent pulse. Then they would have slammed it to the gurney, trying to resuscitate a weakened life. They would have held me back, pulled me down, and tried to control my vitals. They would've made me wear one of those god forsaken butt-out robes--as though I don't already feel unflattering enough.

I thought about dialing 911 and telling them I was the victim until I realized that I might have been the abuser.

"Geez, you don't have to be so mean!"

That's what my 6 yr. old neighbor whimpered at me today. I blushed with amusement and enthusiasm. I subconsciously let out a smirk. I was proud to have so much power over him, until I realized he was sincere. And there I stood future elementary educator making kids cry. It wouldn't have been so bad making him cry, it was his plea with my soul that made me join him. I really don't have to be so mean. But, then it occurred what's the alternative?

For so long I've worried about who, where, and why I will get married. Truth is I don't really care. A happy marriage is a happy marriage. But, how shall I ever get married if I keep destroying the pieces of love that fall so delicately into my life? Whether it's friends, family, or lovers I treat perfect strangers with more intimacy than I allow people I've known for decades. He's right; I don't have to be so mean but, if I'm not then....

And here's where it gets complicated. According to Merriam Webster the opposite of mean is nice. But, I've never been one to be "pleasing and agreeable and nature." Hell, my blog is called "I beg to differ."So do I have to change everything I am to become everything I should? Be yourself, is the worst advice you can give to some people. I just hope if and when I find "the one" he accepts me for me. I don't have to be so mean but, if I'm not then I'm masking the face of a person I truly am. I'm selfish. BUT, I'm wonderfully kind too. I just can't be both all the time.

I tried explaining this to my neighbor child but, he just looked at me. He hugged me and I thought he understood that I wasn't trying to hurt him. But, then he said "you didn't hurt me. It made me sad that you hurt you." He's young and his words defy his thoughts. He meant to say "I'm not hurt. I just like it when you're you (i.e. nice)." That's what he meant to say, but, that's not what he said. I am hurting me. It takes courage to grow up an be who you really are. I hope am enough.

I thought about calling 911 and then I did.


Constructive Attitude said...

I liked this post a lot.

" Whether it's friends, family, or lovers I treat perfect strangers with more intimacy than I allow people I've known for decades."

I feel like I do this too.sigh.

Jossie Posie said...

I read this as Bella's Lullaby played what a perfectly somber background to it. Reading it made me sad even though I am not sure that was the intent.

MarjnHomer said...

this was really, really good. I find out after I'm married that you cannot stay the same even though you want to assert your individuality. It takes time, patience and practice to make a marriage work. You both have to come to middle and reach a solution.

And I used to not believe in a person being "the one" until i got married. so he's out there, you just have to keep on searching.

in the mean time have fun! :-)

seher's shenanigans said...

i still believe in the one and i have a feeling i will not get too surprised because he will be the one!