I Think I Have A Problem, I Think I Think Too Much...

Stop me before I do something I'll regret. I often wonder why people use such phrases. It seems so simple if it's bad, haram, evil then avoid it. Easier said than done though. When I look back at my life and how my Islam and understandings in life have developed I can't help but frown [followed by a quick smile] upon the events that lead into who I am today. I think 'oh how foolish I was then'. Sometimes when I watch my siblings I even think to myself the famed "well, back in my day..." Hard to believe we even have a 'day'. A day when Doug and Spice Girls owned. Pluto was a planet and math was still done using pen and paper. Back then when I liked boys I bit them. Fun was considered outdoors, not in. Cell phones were 'mobiles', but only the elderly needed such. Life was good. Simple and complete was the world.

Today is a new dawning however. Pluto is gone and so are the bare necessities. Lion King is no longer a simple film about lions.It's considered inappropriate and laced with racial and sexual innuendos. You can't trust pen and paper. You can't trust the elderly either.I don't bite anymore but it seems they do. And cell phones=drama.

Boys. **sigh**

Long story short I loathe females who carry on with males in ways that could become easily misinterpreted. "It's haram I know but, we have good intentions." Apparently I'm the resident Gender Relations expert. I'm all for helping but, can someone, anyone, explain to me how you have a haram relationship for 'the sake of Allah (swt)'. Tell me how it's haram in a halal way. Tell me how you are 'just friends'. Tell me you know it's wrong and you are STILL going to do it. At least than you'd save the sin of lying. And, I can't completely say that I am not guilty. Sometimes though I want someone to yell some common sense at me. Because lately common sense isn't so common.

“Between men and women there is no friendship possible.There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”

One of my now three best friends is male. was....male. He hasn't spoken to me for almost a month today. Suddenly no text, phone calls, IMs, visits on campus not even the occasional nuisance of a forwarded email. I can't help but think it's my own doing. Maybe the Facebook prank was a bit much. But now, there's nothing at all.To me he's dead or maybe it's the other way around. I miss him honestly. And part of me thinks it's good he's 'gone' maybe a sign. But, all of me knows better. He's trying to prove something. I wish I knew what though.

I wish his 15yr old brother wouldn't text me Lil' Wayne lyrics during ju'm3ah. I wish he didn't text calling me a slut. I wish his 'crew' didn't look at me so disappointed.More than that though I wish he would use his words instead of others assumptions. I wish I'd stop counting the days, and make the necessary change to have my buddy back. I wish that the people around me would stop saying it's because to him I'm more than a buddy. I wish I'd stop wishing.

I know what to do but, after reading this I think it'd be alot easier to 'accidentally' text him. I could 'accidentally,text everything I believe. 'Accidentally' I could express everything I know. Or I could accidentally give him a reason to block me from his existence.

This isn't the first time he's done the ignore-me game. He waits until I can't stand it and want to have a meltdown. Our battles should stop being repetitious forms of poetry. But, maybe that's the attraction. I'll just write this down with hopes that he'll understand. I can no longer be disciplined by the frustrations of an insecure man. Real friends will be there regardless.

Or at least I hope so.


sevencarpileup said...

You put me to shame. I'm going to reply to your blog in mine. All I can say is WHAT IS IN THE WATER? Why are we going through the same exact problems in life at the exact same time?

Can we trade lives and fix each other's problems?

Jeeha said...

Wow, you speak so clearly. I love your strength and perseverance. And if you know that accidents aren't intentional why would you try and stage one?

Love. said...

This is the question that plagued me Jeeha. Here I was planning an elaborate 'accident', forgetting the whole meaning of one.