8.26.2009

Some Things Have To Be Believed To Be Seen- The Not So Ramadan, Ramadan Post

Confession of The Month:

Few really believe. The most only believe that they believe or even make believe. And I was among those who believed in belief as opposed to just believing. So here I was coming off of a summer vacation turned burden, ending with more issues than I began, and a steadily declining faith in everything, even myself.

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For those of you waiting in anticipation for my less than desirable reasoning as to the long gaps in posting here it is: life. I know, shocker but life happens. Between dealing with new personal commitments, anxiety/stress disorders, and a developing eating disorder, sometimes blogging is the last thing I have the energy to worry about. But, none of that is what this post is about. This post is about updating and optimism despite the personal struggles within.

Way back when I still believed that hearts are magnets and people cared about other people I also believed in me. But, lately belief, like my self-confidence, is ever fleeting and far too determinant upon others for survival. And there lies the problem. In my final bow to summer I accepted a position as a counselor at a camp designed for Muslim youth. So many times before I had been the camper, the dependent, the follower. I was secure in that role, having little responsibility with much freedom. But, this time was different. I was surrounded with girls ranging in age from 10-12, all looking towards me for guidance. But, how could I be their guide, their leader, their role model? How could I be everything they wanted, when there wasn't enough of me for what I needed? They'd call me pretty, or hot, smart and funny. But, all of it made me want to cry, at best. And then it was time to swim. The boys were sent off to archery, as the remaining camp of girls donned their swim attire. Some were dressed more freely than others but, all of them were gorgeous. All of them but, one.

I was that one. But, not because I didn't have the potential the others did...rather because I didn't allow that potential to escape. I created excuses at meal times, and acted as though I didn't hear compliments, I would sleep with my journal, terrified of writing what I truly felt. A friend of mine would text occasionally trying to convince me that he would love me, if I let him. And it was then that I realized I could love me too, if I let me.

Often I would make the girls go to bed early because I didn't want to face me while I was awake. When it came time for prayers I would wait till they slept and pray separately, afraid of the power of prayers, knowing I might have to face myself. Finally, I was discovered. One of the younger girls woke up and sat there so still watching me in the night, terrified of praying, terrified of eating, terrified of being. And so she climbed down off the top bunk and sat near me. For minutes, time stood still. Then she spoke, "it didn't promise to be easy..." Shocked at the words I asked, "what, what didn't promise to be easy?" "Life," she says. Life never promised to be easy. I sat thinking, wondering, how she knew that I stopped believing in the life I was creating. She admitted to reading parts of my journal, I had forgotten I jokingly said she could. She also admitted that she liked it, she liked feeling like she was "important." Important, I asked her, what gave her that notion that when I felt like I was failing at everything I was becoming, that of all things I was important. "Because, because at least your something."

Her words hit like daggers, piercing my heart, forcing me to consider that even at my very worst I was someones very best. There's far more to the story. It involves writing love notes in the rain, dancing when no one's watching, and crying while praying. But, Brianna's words are more important that any of those.I have to believe in my own ability to trust in God's ability to help me overcome the personal tribulations which threaten my very existence.

And then came Ramadan.Ramadan is the month of fasting, which is observed by Muslims worldwide, in the 9th month of the Islamic calender. It's among one of the holiest and most spiritually profound within the Islamic culture, as Muslims believe it is the time in which the prophet received revelation of the Quran from God. Ramadan is an opportunity never to be wasted. Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open.

"Verily, Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves."
[Ar-Ra`d, 11]

So my Ramadan resolution is simple: Create a month worthy of repetition. I can not change everything that I am in one month but, He can. And so,I ask God/Allah not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders.

9 comments:

Little Ms Blogger said...

Wow, what a beautiful and honest post.

I hope that you're able to look at yourself and forgive whatever it is that makes you dislike the person you are.

If others see it and you can't, listen to them and let them help you find you.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shannon said...

I think we all struggle with this at some point in our lives. We struggle to accept and love or at least like the person in the mirror. I know that this can be an insurmountable obstacle when all you can see are the flaws. Try to break it down. Find one thing a day you like about yourself and try to focus on and celebrate that. Pick a different thing everyday, and thank God for that small gift. It works, I promise. Inshallah once you've found all the good about yourself, the bad will be a lot smaller. May Allah grant you peace this Ramadan.

Mona said...

Great post! May Allah accept your intentions and fast.

HOPELESSBELIEVER said...

Hey there plex'n! This is such a great post, it made me think about alot of things. But I'm really so proud of you, your faith, your hope, your strength, you are doing just great :) I hope you have a wonderful celebration of Ramadan, and always keep believing in yourself.
take care my friend,
Julian :)

Anonymous said...

Wow, mashallah. That was truly moving. Welcome back and the best inshallah.

Everyday Muslimah said...

Very beautiful post--very real and true, things we all hide to be even at times when we feel like no one will know us.

Your post also reminded me of a time I was also going through right before Ramadan. I prayed and prayed to Allah for guidance and alhmdulillah, now I'm exactly where I need to be. And of course, Alhmdulillah for Ramadan!!

Keep praying (I will also keep you in my prayers) for Allah to guide and help you through your trials and tribulations. InshahAllah.

I'm new to the blog world and would like to invite you to visit my blog: http://everydaymuslimah-everydaymuslimah.blogspot.com

I'm looking for followers so please do subscribe. Thank you!

ModestJustice said...

May Allah swt make it easier for you, whether it be by lightening the burden or broadening your shoulders. This was such a honest post and it was wonderful.
There are times in life in which we are unhappy at how it's going and where we are but insha'Allah you'll realize what a wonderful person you are- listen to Brianna, she's a smart girl :)

PerplxinTexan♥ said...

@ Lil Ms. Blogger- Thanks so much. Most people with anxiety issued focus too much on the future but i just keep blaming issues from the past so it prevents me even from living in the present. one day at a time, that's the new mentality. :)

@Shannon- I know but, it's just that "I'm the only one who ever felt this way" thought. It's also being afraid, more than anything I'm terrified of being the person I should be.

@Mona- iA ameen. And that same to you, of course.

@ Julian- You've come to be one of the greatest of surprises in my blogging. Although it may have meant little to nothing for you, that email you sent still sits in my inbox. It reminds me that no matter what happens a complete stranger cares. And if you can care about me, why can't I care about me too?!

Thank you a million times over.

@Ano- Thanks. I think being honest is much harder than being a lie. But then again life never promised to be easy.

@Everyday Muslimah- Subhanallah, it's been less than a month and already I feel miles stronger and more secure than I once did. I'm glad you too have a greater strength and will def. stop by your blog soon. :)

@MJustice- Oh I know, but I've just done and seen more in my life than the average person my age. My weakness are my strengths. It's just sorting through all of that to find acknowledgment and balance that's tricky. It's like finding an island in an ocean of diarrhea