I Beg To Differ

Sh*t White Girls Say.....To Muslims

2012-01-26T17:05:00.003-05:00

She's funny. Can't wait to see who she turns out to be.

Egypt is the new black...

2011-02-11T11:45:00.006-05:00

Dear George W. Bush: this is how the Middle East gets re-made. No invasions necessary.

Protesters have been in Cairo's Tahrir Square for nearly three weeks.
Todras-Whitehill/AP

According to the New York Daily News

Egypt's hated President Hosni Mubarak stepped down Friday - 18 days after his countrymen revolted against his autocratic rule.
Mubarak's exit was announced by his hand-picked vice president, Omar Suleiman, in a brief statement.
"My fellow citizens," Suleiman said. "President Mubarak has decided to leave the office of the president."
The Egyptian Army, he said, has been "instructed" to run the country in the interim.
The announcement sparked an enormous outburst of joy in Cairo's central Tahrir Square, where hundreds of thousands had gathered for an 18th day demanded that the tyrant step down.

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2011/

I'm not sure what lies ahead for the Egyptian people but, I'm certain it is far richer than what lies behind them.

But, you can't fall in love alone... [The Polygamy Post]

2011-02-05T10:59:00.010-05:00

TLC's "Sister Wives," the story of modern American Plural Marriage

It premiered in late fall, maybe even winter, of 2010. It immediately picked up steam as one of the hottest nights on cable television for pushing boundaries of societal norms and expectations. It went were, as average Americans, knew yet so comfortably ignored. It is TLC's "Sister Wives," the inside story of polygamy in modern day America.

As a Muslim I grew up probably more aware of polygamy than I would argue the average 20-something American is. Experience meant nothing however as I, along with my faithful Sunday night TV buddy, Carly, tuned in to TLC's Sister Wives. Words can not accurately express the emotions from happiness to sorrow that filled my soul every time the credits began to role. We gasped and even questioned along with millions of other viewers episode after episode at the Sister Wives and their surprisingly normal lifestyle. By the end of the season it seemed as though more often than not I found myself forgetting they were different.

HBO's"Big Love"

The season ended with a (spoiler alert): new wife being added to the dynamic and one wife contemplating the possibility of an exit. Left w/o a Sunday night show to watch I looked into alternative television programming about polygamy to find a gem, HBO's Big Love. The parallels between the scripted version and the TLC reality version are unreal. There I was again along for episode after episode of polygamy. The difference however was that because Big Love is scripted I felt more at ease with fully judging the characters. This was until of course I realized there was a part of me that wanted to be one.

This sudden urge to become a sister wife myself could be logically assigned to a many number of factors: my age, my location, the weather (icepocalypse), the date, Beiber, etc. But, I say that beneath all the "OMGWTHHOW?!WHY" of both Sister Wives & Big Love there is a certain level of undeniable humanity that I crave. Despite their jealous tendencies, uncontrollable tantrums over nightly arrangements, and soccer practices galore I like the companionship, rush and commotion of the lifestyle that polygamy seems to create. I think of it like a sibling relationship who knows what your family is going through better than your siblings who also grew up in the same family w/the same issues?

Again, this is all nothing more than an over exaggerated thought process as I frequently tend to wish I was living someone else's life, --even if they do share their husband on a rotational basis with me. As I watched the final episode of the season and the constant running/hiding the women had to go through just to be in this life I realized polygamy is more than likely not the lifestyle for me. The companionship just wouldn't amount, in my opinion, to the sleepless nights and possible weight gain from stress acquired by the whole ordeal. Still, a girl can dream can't she?

I'd like to make myself belive, that planet Earth moves slowly...

2011-02-03T10:49:00.004-05:00

Hate is a strong word.

Now that that is established let it be known that as of February 3rd of 2011, I hate my universities' Bursar office. Long story short they applied a scholarship I now longer have because I changed my major to pursue my passion and do what I so desperately believe will actually matter in the world. This of course resulted in them spending money I didn't have and then charging me for their mistake. They also are charging me 10% in late fees on top of the money I already don't have. They are also asking that I pay the 350$ that the scholarship didn't cover. Also they didn't even email me to notify me of the removal of my scholarship until nearly a week after it occurred. My mother instructs me to go down there and "get my money."

So, I do. I explain that they are charging me more than the scholarship ever would've covered. The consultant agrees. She does not apologize. She only uses facts. She says it sucks but, they aren't financial aid. They do not "help get money for students to go to school." My mother texts me to demand an itemized list of expenses, show were I was double charged. I asked. The consultant gave me the sheet. I ripped it. She waves good bye. I paid the bill. I now have 12$ to my name.

She went back to playing Farmville.

No regrets, Just love....

2010-09-15T15:00:00.002-04:00

My life is too much of the "I can't sleep" and not enough of the "don't ever look back." Or for that matter not enough of any of the Teenage Dream.

Feeling like you need the lyrics to appreciate the full experience? Teenage Dream/Just the way you are

I could use a dream or a genie or a wish...

2010-08-19T23:05:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, I come here just to remember who I used to be. I'm kind of 'in between me's', just a small town girl living in a lonely world. The problem is I missed the midnight train going anywhere. So until I find my metaphorical boarding pass, I'm just living on a prayer. But, enough about me. There are 1440 minutes so how are you today?

When Somebody Loved Me Everything Was Beautiful...

2010-05-02T12:11:00.010-04:00

It's final weeks which in short means reviewing everything you thought you knew to quickly and unfortunately realize you know nothing. Then you stress, worry, and think about thinking about sleeping but, you don't. And if you're me, you have two, really 3, jobs, semi-alcoholic neighbors, friends in other states having mock crises which require 4am phone calls, and presentations galore. I do everything for everyone and for nothing besides, temporary peace of mind. And while I hate to quote Ms. Spears in such a moment, "all I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I'm in between." So, there it is dearest of constantly neglected blogs, I'm someone I don't know and currently feeling a little besides myself.

Someone with Postsecret agrees:

"She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces."

It's fairly simple really: my ever-increasing list of things to do is leaving me feeling totally undone. I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. It's cheating. The world is cheating, or perhaps the world is just wiser than I. Either way, I've found there is only one solution:

I want to take a vacation...with myself. How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward.

I shall sip cocoa, leave my hair in it's original waved bounce state, and pray for the rain to continue. If I'm lucky laughter, dancing, and romantic interests will be peaked.

World, now, right now, I need me.

There's so much nonsense; It's on my conscience..

2010-03-23T11:38:00.006-04:00

Where am I?

I am here, physically anyways. It's both a crossroads and a one way.

What's got me so busied?

This. Better known as this.

Where am I going?

I'm not sure yet...... but, I'm sure it'll be fabulous.

Well, It's So Much Better When We're Together

2010-02-17T00:24:00.007-05:00

Let us not discuss the obvious, and increasingly declining, lack of blogging. Let us instead discuss my co-worker/part-time shrink, Rebecca. She's amazing. She bothers me sometimes but, for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps, we'll discuss this later. Now however, it's Becca's birthday.

Birthdays are special because they aren't like other days, they are original. They, birthdays, are the day on which you, the chosen person of that date, were born. Not everyone can say that. Today is Becca's bday. If, ~~time~~ life permits I shall update this post with pictures of my hand-crafted, thought provoking, blogger inspired birthday present. If not, use your imagination.

I made her a card. The inside read:

"My father used to brag 'age is just a number.' Surely, I believed to simply avoid facing the reality of his own age. Nonetheless, he would always add, "our hearts however, choose our age." So I thought about it and avoiding as many numbers as possible, I realized you are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. So Rebecca I ask, today, how old are? And if it's lonely once you've added, subtracted, and divided your way through the years to realize you are 5 and in the sandbox, know that I'll play with you even once we realize our numbers are older than our ages tell. Really, it's shoe sizes that matter anyways. So, dig deep, worry less, and always carry a shovel in the sandbox of life. "

Birthdays: growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

I Could Use Somebody, Somebody Like You...

2010-02-03T14:00:00.001-05:00

Fact: [fakt]
–noun

something that actually exists; reality; truth: Your fears have no basis in fact.
something known to exist or to have happened: Space travel is now a fact.

Today in 4th grade we looked at "facts" that is something that is unfaltering from person-to-person, essentially the origin of the detail should be non-opinionated. A fact is that which is founded in truth. After going over what a fact is and what a fact isn't for about 30mins (because children don't understand what parents say is not necessarily "fact")I sent home little slips where the children had an opportunity to interview their parents. After they spoke with their parents they were to write down 3 facts. My five favorites are listed below.

Women lie. Men lie.
Valentine's Day is not about candy or teddy bears. It is definitely not about love.
Everyone dies, not everyone lives.
Women aren't like coffee. They don't smell that fresh in the morning.
America is a Ghetto.

I thought these were worth blogging, worth sharing. But, I'm selfish and love these "facts" so, I'm keeping them. Tomorrow I will walk in look them each in the eyes and with all the matter of fact presence one can muster I will tell them I have no clue were their facts are. They are in the "in.spire" shoe box under my bed. I'm going to make a collage.

L'Amitié Est l'Amour Sans Ailes...

2009-12-14T16:57:00.005-05:00

Our final assignment in my teaching for a pluralistic society class is to find something we, for lack of a better word, 'suck' at and describe why and how we suck. I believe the object is to identify and explore the depths of our weaknesses and how they have come to be such, as opposed to our strengths. Here's a sparknotes version of my essay:

PerplxinTexan on why I suck at love: I just wrote,"Warm up very slowly in courting and relationships. The hottest love can have the coldest end. There are lots of important -ships in life. Big ships, small ships, ships happen. But, the most important ship of all is friendship. You can't love without being friends. Many a marriage has ended because people stopped being friends, people we love, laugh, and trust with.

Maybe it's lust, hate, like, or jealousy. But, it will never be love. It will never be love without being friends first. My problem is I've got one too many friends, or at least people who consider me a friend. The boundaries in my life are skewed, ill-defined and fading. We know a classroom is a classroom because we call it that. But, just because he calls me a friend doesn't mean I am. I should love slow because, love is not tricky. Friendship is tricky."

Welcome To The Family #6- Who Let The Dogs Out?

2009-12-08T15:00:00.001-05:00

For those 12 of you who just started singing and/or humming that song in some fashion or another G-d bless you. For everyone else brush up on your '90's pop already.

My brother and I haven't spoken for awhile. No- no Lifetime story is to follow we just realized we have lives...or at least I did. But, today he graced me with a Facebook status we couldn't deny.

"If I see any1 dress their dog up in a freaking Snuggie, they better call Sarah McLaughlin cause me & Mike Vick ain't haven it!"

It's probably horribly unethical and going to reserve me a spot in hell for at least 10 mins. but, I laughed. In fact, I'm still laughing. You should laugh too that way I won't be alone.-- not that I should be worried about being alone while in hell but, I am.

Sunday Snippets #8: Faith Is Best Viewed In The Dark

2009-12-06T22:11:00.006-05:00

"Wherever you go, I'm calling, even when we're falling apart."

One night a friend texted me to me open my window and watch the stars. Eager to correct him, I asked, "watch the stars or look at the stars?" He confidently texted back, "watch." Forever, I was confused as to how anyone could watch an object not living, not in motion. You watch TV, you watch the clouds roll by in an airplane. You don't watch the stars. Why would I watch for something that will be there always? Today however it occurred to me that stars although visibly not in motion, are moving. They won't always be there. Just because something isn't in your face, jumping up and down doesn't mean they are even less worthy of being watched. Even if we aren’t part of it, everyday is the start of something beautiful.Stars are silent beauties, shining into the darkness. Really, he's kind of my star. He shines when I feel down, dark, troubled.

You told me about the stars but, I thought of their shine. I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.

Enough is Enough...

2009-12-03T01:31:00.001-05:00

My life has become episodes of Grey's. Perhaps, my life would improve if I could figure out whether I'm a Meredith, narrating, being, understanding, or a Chang stubborn, blunt, abrasive, vulnerable. Either way, I'm someone else.

I have an aunt who, whenever she poured anything for you, would say: “say when”. My aunt would say, “Say when,” and of course, we never did.

We don’t say “when” because there’s something about the possibility of more. More tequila. More love. More anything. More is better.

There’s something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say “when.” I think it’s a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual… and depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes, all we want is a taste. Other times, there’s no such thing as enough. The glass is bottomless.

And all we want… is more.

Mais Si Je Reste Avec Toi...

2009-11-22T16:09:00.005-05:00

.....There'll be the one less lonely girl.

"Justin D. Bieber- Let me tell you one time, I love you."

For those of you non-American pop culture obsessed humans out there, know that Justin Bieber is the latest tweeny bop sensation. For someone who, at best, reaches my chest and by the looks of it ages at about 10 he's got a voice, a good voice even. I, too, thought he was another fad but, I accidentally stumbled upon this video yesterday and discovered under all that American spirit and Hollywood make-up there's talent. I know, I know, it'll suck once he hits puberty and reality sets in but, look at those cheeks! Today, only furthered my increasing crush on the Bieb as I discovered he can sing in French, perhaps the Canadian, not sure. But, when he belts out "Aucun autre visage ne m'a rendu fou, now all I see is you," I melt. Then I hear, "I'm coming for you."

So here it is everyone:

Dearest Justin Bieber,

Despite your lack of vertical distance and an actual Adam's apple I think you're adorable. You're lyrics only sound significant in French, true but, this we can work past. I write, you sing, we both like crayons, juice-boxes, and naps. So do, do come, and make me one less lonely girl.

Love, PTexan

He's more famous for his smash hit: One Time. YouTube making dreams come true, again.

Sunday Snippets #7--When You Smile At Me You Know Exactly What You Do

2009-11-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

The problem lies in that gap of time before everything either goes horribly right or perfectly wrong. But, what sucks more than any of that is being disappointed. It burns because it means that at some point you trusted and believed in something that you no longer do. It means that you wanted to share a piece of another person, place, or thing with yourself and it just didn't follow through. You let go of whatever boundary and insecurity was within you for the sake of another but, still it wasn't enough because, it, him, her, or perhaps even they didn't follow through.Or maybe, it was the other way around. Doesn't really matter how it happened, or when it happened. In fact, it doesn't even matter where it happened. What matters is that it happened at all. Even if by some odd chain of event you learn to forgive and forget you will never believe in the same way. But that's life, loosing and gaining faith. If it didn't happen how would we know that anything, anybody, or any place matters? We wouldn't. That's why I'm sure that today you're the only thing (my red bicycle, vintage 6th grade diary, & first love) that I know like the back of my hand. I trust that.

Lesson Learned: What matters is not the idea a man holds, but the depth at which he holds it.

Where Is The Love?: The Ft. Hood Post

2009-11-05T17:26:00.009-05:00

"Image via Fox News, Location of Ft. Hood"

I've been awake all of 20 mins and am flooded with tweets and text regarding the Ft.Hood story. Granted, I am from Texas and so perhaps some of the people texting me are looking for answers as opposed to predicting discrimination but, when I read a tweet stating,

"RT @akonsen I'll bet a $250 Red Cross donation that the #FtHood shooters are Muslim. Any takers?"

My heart immediately sinks, and how could it not? More and more I'm faced with the reality that Islam is currently at the forefront of nearly every instance of media-covered violence. From banks to schools and even in churches if there is crime and there is a person needed to blame you can rest assured a "Muslim" or at least a person with an "Arabic" name will be arrested or killed for the suspected charges soon after. Here's the thing, I'm not denying that ONE of the suspected gunmen was a Muslim. I am however begging Americans, and people everywhere, to recognize that one act of violence on behalf of an individual claiming Islam does not equate an entire religion of violent people.The current facts are as follows per Fox News:

A shooting rampage Thursday afternoon at the Army's Fort Hood in Texas killed 11 and wounded 31 before the gunman was killed and two suspects taken into custody. All three of the people believed to have carried out the shooting were soldiers, Lt. General Bob Cone told reporters Thursday evening, though the motive remains unclear.
Cone said witnesses reported seeing more than one shooter, but that couldn't be confirmed. The primary shooter used two handguns, he said.

The shooting took place 1:30 p.m. Thursday at the post's Soldier Readiness Center, where soldiers undergo medical screening before being deployed or after returning from overseas.

We all know however that Fox News doesn't exactly have the clearest track record of viable 'news,' as it's often biased and ill-cited. Distress lies in the fact that one of the supposed shooters was a man by the name of Major Malik Nadal Hasan. Hasan is a recent convert to Islam, a suspect who conveniently matches the scapegoat criteria of having both an "Arabic-sounding name" and being Muslim. Some immediate points of interest are the words, recent and convert. A person who converts, be it any religion, is not necessarily equipped with all of the same tendencies or understandings that a person who's been practicing their entire lives or at least longer than 'recently' might have been exposed to. Accordingly, I find it worthy of emphasis that the suspected shooter is a recent convert, recent meaning perhaps Major Mailk was not as aware of the true meaning behind Islams ever peaceful ideals. With any religion, race, or other varying factors of an individual there is always room for flaw, misunderstanding, and failure. We after all are but humans. Am I justifying the actions of Major Malik? Not in the slightest, if he did as he is accused with then he is wrong, period. There is no justification in the world, in my opinion, for take any innocent life.

Just makes me want to sing out in Black Eyed Peas lyrics:

I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate

Real talk: If you never know peace then you never know love.

For fast facts regarding the Ft. Hood shooting be sure to check Hot Air.com & ABC News.

Sunday Snippets #5-- Sometimes Goodbye Is The Only Way To Say Hello

2009-11-01T14:16:00.009-05:00

"We call an unforgettable love like that memories."

Way back when I wore side pony tails and a pair of shiny black shoes to elementary school I remember a time when my then best friend and I found a rabbit. Oh how I loved rabbit, I named him Rabbit too. Rabbit was so tiny and perfectly cream in color. And one day Rabbit did what rabbits do; rabbit hopped. Rabbit hopped, and hopped, and hopped. Me and Chereen chased, and chased, and chased. But, we never caught rabbit again.

I didn’t cry like Chereen did because, my mother said that Rabbit hopped to freedom and that as long as I loved Rabbit I would have Rabbit. She said, “We call an unforgettable love like that, memories.” Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. Isn’t that crazy to think that we have a way of forever holding onto a piece of person, a place, an event, or an object just because we want to, just because we care? So now when memories of anyone or anything creep up on me I do not pout, I smile, because I have a piece of it, I have Rabbit.

Frustrated Friday #4-- Nigga(h) Please, Because Adding an 'h' Makes All The Difference

2009-10-30T09:00:00.004-04:00

Working as a diversity advocate/CommUNITY Educator at a Big 10 university I hear and see a lot; but, when a co-worker, during our wed. night staff meeting, brought this story (below) to my attention I laughed hard. In fact, I was tickled pink. Perhaps it was my co-workers vibrant retelling which shielded the extent to this (below) teacher's genuine ignorance but, the laughter has now turned to anger and disappointment. The video is below for each of you to form your own opinions.The real question is what in the hell of it made this foolio think that adding an 'h' so a word would make it any less offensive? Get real.

I ask that you leave your thoughts, comments, etc positive or negative below but, let me share mine first. The 'N word is not now, nor will it ever be 'ok' to say. Be it a classroom, a school yard, a hallway, a grocery, church, hell or else where there is simply too much hurt and morever history attached to the word for anyone to simply turn the other cheek--other rather the other ear. I do not care what color you are or what hood you are from, it is unacceptable.

Fashion Serving a Greater Purpose: Pink Hijab Day 2009

2009-10-27T16:00:00.007-04:00

"Wednesday, October 28th is this year’s Global Pink Hijab Day. Pink Hijab Day is intended to shatter stereotypes of Muslim women, as well as raise awareness and funds for breast cancer research. All over the world, Muslims participated by wearing pink hijabs, pink ribbons, and donating to breast cancer foundations."

Global Pink Hijab Day started two years ago. This time, founder Hend El-Buri is raising the bar and hoping to spread the idea of Pink Hijab Day to more places. Muslim and non-Muslim women-alike will be observing “Global Pink Hijab Day” by donning pink headscarves. This is a day intended to initiate dialog, promote education about the Islamic headscarf (Hijab), and raise breast cancer awareness.

In America, Magdalenna Garcia of Provo, Utah said “I think that Pink Hijab Day is an excellent opportunity for Muslims to participate in solidarity for breast cancer awareness; it serves as a symbol to the greater community that Muslims share the same concerns, and the hope for a cure.”

The Pink Hijab day has also spread to areas all over the world, including South Africa, Egypt, and Qatar.

“In North America we’ve had Islamic schools and MSAs participate. I hope this year that we can get more people in Muslim countries involved,” El-buri said.

Although Pink Hijab Day began with a small group of high school girls in the small town of Columbia, Missouri, the event now has thousands of participates all over the world.

Participants in Pink Hijab Day will encourage the curious to ask questions about hijab, as well as promoting breast cancer education, and donating to various Breast Cancer Foundations.

Pink Hijab Day is an independent project.

Donations for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation are being collected. We encourage all those who wear pink Hijabs on this day or support this cause to donate $5 or more to the foundation.

Pink Hijab Day has already raised $210 and you can help them reach their goal of $1,000 by donating to Susan G. Komen’s Passionately Pink for the Cure. Get involved in your local communities; check out more on the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Check it:PinkhijabDay.net

Republicans Attempt to Criminalize the World’s ‘Greatest Threat’ – Muslim Interns!

2009-10-27T14:17:00.001-04:00

Rachel Maddow tackles, according to an increasing Republican population, an "important terrorist and national security concern." Take a look at what they're working on now.

Sunday Snippets #4--So Be Wise, This Girl Satisfies

2009-10-25T00:17:00.007-04:00

"Never underestimate the power of dreams or their potential.
Go ahead; turn me on."

“Undiscovered” by: James Morrison
“You think that I wanna run and hide
I'll keep it all locked up inside
I just want you to find me
I'm not lost, I'm not lost, Just undiscovered”

Could you imagine if life really was one big game of hide and seek? All those people who think they are lost are merely just undiscovered. It makes me smile thinking about how much we need each other in order to release our true potential. No man is enough for himself. I like to think that we are all such a waste of our potential, like three-way lamps using one-way bulbs.

TMI Thursday # 2- This Is Easily the Most Disturbing Thing I've Witnessed..

2009-10-22T13:15:00.008-04:00

As the title suggest this is easily the most disturbing thing I've seen--possibly ever. I don't want to ruin it but, a lot of things piss me of but, at the same time concern me. It might be hard to pay attention but in the first 15 seconds watch the girl in the white tee and how she instructs--for lack of a better word--the boy behind her. And to see parents participating...hmph. To say society sometimes disappoints is an understatement. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comment section, I want to know what you think!

(In case you can't view it here: Ants in my Pants Dance)

Sunday Snippets # 3- Who'd have known where this was going when you said, 'hi.'?

2009-10-19T00:44:00.007-04:00

"He loves me...he loves me not."

There's a couple, who've clearly been drinking, arguing outside my window.It's cold so they've got to be pretty dedicated to this argument. I just heard him scoff at her. Apparently lil missy is very 'friendly' with a swig or two of liquid courage pulsing through her veins. He made them leave the party early because she "couldn't keep her hands to herself." He thinks she's lying when she says "I love you." So she shouts, "If you don't believe me, just put your hands on me." He's drunk and thinks the alcohol is just making her really horny. But, arguments can sober a person up really quickly. I know what she means when she says, "just put your hands on me." She knows love can only be felt. Maybe love really is blind.

Friends: A Sweet Dream or A Beautiful Nightmare ?

2009-10-16T22:00:00.007-04:00

It's been a trying week. It's one thing when others break you down but, it's another thing when you are breaking your self down. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. You face old challenges that question a new you. And when you find yourself fighting for yourself you begin to ask a new question: Is it worth it?. But, like the Beatles said, "I'll get by with a little help from my friends."

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away. That, that is friendship. To say tonight was a challenge is an understatement. But, somewhere in the misery she managed to find two words that I couldn't resist smiling about, "No cheese."

And to the world those words mean nothing but, to me, at that moment, they meant everything. They meant that she was my friend and I was hers. They meant, it would be 'ok'. Then, suddenly it was. Of course life isn't that easy, and all my troubles didn't disappear but, they aren't as heavy since I had someone else to help me carry the load.

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.
"I just wanted to be sure of you.""

Sunday Snippets #2: Hate must make a man productive. Otherwise one might as well love.

2009-10-11T00:48:00.008-04:00

Theme of the week: The value of words versus their actual meanings and impressions.

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself.
What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."

Since childhood we’re taught that actions speak louder than words, but, that’s not always true. People hurt me everyday with their words, not their fists. And sometimes, like the random man who said to me this weekend “You’re nice and Jesus would love you too, if you were Christian.” I kinda wish he had punched me instead. It woulda hurt less.

Lesson learned: No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.

Friday Frustrations #1-IU Safety Escort: Access Denied

2009-10-09T10:00:00.006-04:00

"Well the jokes on you Douchey Mc Douche bag because, I called your supervisor."--What happenes when an evening @ Qdoba goes array.

The IUSA Safety Escort Department provides safe evening transportation for women and men who would otherwise be walking alone.They proudly advertise that their services "will assist you in safely reaching both on- and off-campus locations." It's a nice sentiment really. It would be an even better sentiment if they actually performed the advertised services. Instead, IUSA Safety Escort is a service which leaves students abandoned on a case conditional base to walk home thus executing a service of neither safety nor escorting.

Late last night, or rather early this morning, a friend and I got the study muchies and on a whim ended up at Qdoba. After many chips, and a few laughs we were satisfied and decided to head home. Great plan, except for the part where apparently Noah is building a second arc and it's been raining for 47hrs straight. It was also around 1 am and no more than 60 degrees outside. After realizing, at this big 10 school, it was Thirty Thursday we decided perhaps these weren't exactly the safest conditions for two, college-aged, female, students to be strolling about in. We called Safety Escort.

Around 1:05 am the IUSA S. Escort driver rolled by the Law school. I reached for the handle of the van, seeking shelter from the rain, to which the passenger seat coordinator replied, "you weren't coming from the law school were you?" Confused and somewhat agitated I stared back blankly thinking, "what the hell?!" He continued by stating, "sorry this is an academic service and if you weren't coming from the law school then..." By this time it was evident he was not going to take us home. Perhaps on an episode of Punk'd, I smiled and said, "What, are you telling me to close the door?" To which he boldly replied, "Yes, that is what I'm saying." Apparently, Tool Academy is missing a contestant because this guy had no shame in turning down probably the two most sober people he saw that night. I tried explaining that we were unaware of the sudden policy change and that perhaps he should, just this time, take us the 6mins home. He drove away.

Well the jokes on you Douchey Mc Douche bag because, I called your supervisor. Some people don't like jobs during the recession. So I handled that for him. IUSA claims that the decision was made based on the fact that the policy is now on an academic basis. As the passenger coordinator stated, "I don't see any backpacks," and I'm not denying that we weren't studying but, that doesn't mean that we were guaranteed any more or less safety. I let the supervisor know that no where in the stated online or University policy does it state that IUSA Safety Escort is now strictly an academic service. It is however a service which I pay for and expect to use as I see fit. There is no reason why two young girls should be forced to walk home in the rain at 1 am when there is a service which supposedly caters to preventing those very affects. I hate to be a cynic but, suppose something really did happen. Suppose we were kidnapped. Suppose we were raped. Suppose that in complete irony the drunk bus hadn't rolled by to pick up my friend and I. Luckily however, it did.

Most disturbing, was the treatment upon denial of the services. It's one thing to tell a student 'these are the clearly established rules which were agreed upon before services given.' It wasn't until after the Safety Escort vehicle arrived, that the access denied decision was made. Granted it may not be a religion, racial, or even gender thing but, it was still a denial of service based upon assumptions of appearances. If that's not discrimination, I'm not sure what is.

A few days away from the 10th anniversary of Jill Behrman's abduction and death. She was an IU student the same age and working for the same company as I. Talk about a coincidence. It's also less than the year anniversary of the IU slasher, a man who attacked not one, but, several students late one October night. With such history it's hard to believe that the IUSA Safety Escort would right off anyone but, especially two college-aged females under such circumstances. I try not to think that perhaps the hijabs made him feel more 'safe' in allowing us to walk home, who would rape a hijabi, right? Wrong, bad things happen everyday irregardless of religious beliefs. But, again, if that's not discrimination, I'm not sure what is.

So if IUSA Safety Escort provides a service of neither safety nor escort, what sort of service are they providing?

You Should Let Me Love You

2009-10-01T10:00:00.001-04:00

I asked the students in my 4th grade to each select random parts of speech and we would use the words to create one sentence.

Verbs: Achieve, dream, believe, know, hate, love, sexify, dance, pray, eat

Adjectives: Beautiful, ugly, stupid, glamorous, annoying, nutty, tough, hurt

Then I asked them to break off into small groups and present their sentences accordingly. Three stuck out to me. But, only one impacted me.

love like you've never been hurt

Further Reasons Why I Want Children: To Exploit Them Via Youtbe

2009-09-26T22:55:00.004-04:00

Maybe Kanye (West) was on to something...

Now this lil mama damn near puts Beyonce to shame. Ironically enough I have to 'recreate' the Single Ladies dance for a Henna/Bridal shower this weekend. fun

But, I refuse to wear a leotard. Refuse.

He says, "I'm a Little Short on Money but, Long on Time. Marry Me?"

2009-09-24T14:00:00.004-04:00

"Love don't cost a thing, Ms.A."-- actually Jake your mother lied; ask your father. Of course that's what I, though tempted, resisted telling the innocent brunette in my class. But, it did take me back to that fateful day in my 6th grade career that I first heard, "There's no such thing as a stupid question" comment. Now, of course, I know better, there are such things as stupid questions because of course there are such things as stupid people--or at least people with stupid thought processes.

So, as both an inspiration from Twitter and nod to the end of Ramadan I felt a post in which I ~~bit*h about~~ skillfully list some of the many phrases I hate--as though I needed a reason to complain about complaining. We all know good things come to those who whine.

A carefully crafted list of phrases I hate: In no particular order

People who say "Do you remember me?"--If you had to ask, no.
People who say "You make things harder than they need to be"-- Yes, because stressing myself out is a favorite pass time along with knitting and being constipated.
(overheard) "Why you not at the club supporting yo boo?"-- Although this phrase could be varied replacing club with office, presentation, the gym and boo with other things my answer remains consistent: Why you not minding yo own business?
People who say "You're fat"-- & you're skinny. Now catch a breeze and fly away.
People who say "Imma let you finish"-- If you were, then perhaps you shouldn't have interrupted me, you shouldv'e just let me finish.
People who see you with something (usually shiny) and exclaim "where they do that at!?"--apparently where they did that at.
People who ask you, "Did I say/do that?"-- Umm if you didn't that I probably wouldn't have started with "You said/did..."
People who say "My fault/My bad"--Duh, we knew it was your fault before you realized it and decided to announce it.
People who ask "Do you work here?" No, actually I just dress up like the rest of the people that work here in my free time. It's up there with making things harder for myself, and stealing baby penguins.
"License and registration please."

And the phrase which absolutely erks me the most is:

"Take a walk in my shoes."

Actually, I like my own shoes. How 'bout I just watch you walk in yours.

Tell me, what phrases do you hate!?

Opportunities Don't Come With Their Values Stamped Upon Them. But, Neither Does Ramadan.

2009-09-19T23:45:00.016-04:00

You probably already guessed what this post was about, even before even clicking it in your reader/twitter/blogroll etc. I also assume you are expecting the usual farewell opportunities aplenty impending Eid post. But, not this year. This year is about actual change, not the 'I'm so hungry so this fast must be working sort-of change.' No, no, real spiritual change. Now, I'm by no means an Imam, Sheikha, or scholar but, I would like to consider myself Islamically intelligent enough to make at least one prayer an actuality year-round. And that prayer is "thanks". It might sound simple and perhaps irrelevant but, if all I had was one prayer for the rest of my life, thanks would be enough.

You don't have to use my prayer/du'aa or take my advice. But, all I'm saying is God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?"

"May Allah swt accept all of our fasts, good deeds and give us the opportunity to see the blessed month of Ramadan next year again, Ameen."

Oh Kanye West, Why'd You Have To Be So Heartless?

2009-09-14T09:00:00.052-04:00

A quick geography lesson:

"Exhibit A"

"Exhibit B"

"Exhibt C"

The Bengals are from Loser Land
A) The Bengals dropped the ball, again, in a devastating loss in the last quarter of the game. Of course the blame a weak offensive line but, I think blaming Swine Flu would be a better bet. There's no "i" in team but, there is in Swine Flu.

See Also: Bengals Excuses Version 1.4

Kanye West is from Hater Hills
B)Kanye West was at it again, taking center stage, with his rude and inappropriate ~~oral diarrhea~~ commentary Sunday night at the Mtv VMA's (Video Music Awards). Most tragic of all is that within seconds the beautiful dedication to Michael Jackson was forgotten.

See Also:Kanye West as Kanye Rude, interrupting Taylor Swift during 2009 VMA's

& Serena Williams is from Compton

C)Serena Williams mouth took center court--pun intended-- as she cursed at a lineswoman, and it might be the best thing that happened to women's tennis in a while.

See Also: Serena Williams mouth isn't made of win

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*This post may or may not be a direct result of a certain male relative of mines.

I'm Not Lost, I'm Not Lost, Just Undiscovered...

2009-09-09T21:09:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I think about the person I am, given the person I was. I review my old selves just to make it real for me, the current me. Way back when my mother still put my socks on my feet in the morning--despite the fact that I could successfully do this for over 6 years on my own--I had a greater appreciation for life. But, not just my life. No, I had a better appreciation for my life through others' lives and others' mistakes. Life tried interfering with that appreciation. And perhaps it's worked for say the last 8 years of my life but, today I found an old journal entry I wrote.

Dated October of 2000:

My lip hurts alot now. It's cause I bit it all day long. I bite like her.It's only because she does it. Everyone watches her when she pops the gum. I wonder what it tastes like.

It was written in gel pen on a piece of pink laced paper. It smells of Lilac and fresh laundry-- from the private school girl uniforms I used to wear I'm sure. It's about the jet-black haired girl that sat across from me everyday. There were always two captains. I was one and she was the other. She would chew gum and pop it making everyone on edge in that over populated classroom. I thought she was so cute with her bubbaliscious bubble gum and looping side ponytails. I hated her for the rest of the year but, only because I wanted to be her.

That was me. Always looking outward to receive inward approval. Was, being the operative word. I used to think it was cute, biting my lip. The trouble is alot of people agree. Now, I bit my lip in another way. Still people think it's cute.

I used to hate her, just like she hated me. Only trouble is I was hating the person I was trying so hard to be.If you cannot be a poet, be the poem, I thought. And how very foolish I was. Almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, and to gain applause which he cannot keep.

Lesson Learned in Grade 5:There is just one life for each of us: our own.

Complex Magazine Ranks Islams' Hottest Women...No, Not Literally Hot

2009-09-02T15:02:00.016-04:00

But either way it ain't their hijabs that are the cause...

As seen on MMW: Complex Magazine’s online blog. They decided to list “The 10 Hottest Muslim Women” in a crude effort to celebrate Ramadan, and probably remind men to check a religious minority off of their list. Great.

"Laila Ali,
Complex's "The 10 Hottest Muslim Women""

As if I don’t have enough to deal with while I am fasting! The article celebrates a wide range of women, which on the plus side probably taught readers about the diversity of the Islamic world.

The article opens by describing the plight of “Muslim models”, citing the story of a Malaysian model (Kartika)caned for her alleged drinking of beer in a nightclub. [pictured below]Complex adds punishment and rebellion to the representation Muslim women as oppressed damsels with daddy issues–obviously an effort to tantalize the reader.

I wondered if the author simply searched for “hot famous Muslim chicks” in order to compile the list. I was surprised that the article did not feature helpful hints for readers to pick up Muslim girls or how to save them from their oppressive fathers and husbands.

The snarky commentary focused upon clever ways to draw upon stereotypes of these women: the caption for Wafah Dufour reads:

Osama bin Laden’s niece posed semi-nude for GQ back in 2006 in a bizarre attempt to capitalize on her family name. Her uncle would probably be pissed if he didn’t have over 300 other nephews and nieces to keep track of.

Listing women such as Laila Ali, Eve, Iman, and Queen Rania did not even highlight the contributions of these women or their ability to break stereotypes, but rather created a way to crudely objectify women who have made significant changes within their respective fields.

"Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno
from Complex Magazine"

Furthermore, to highlight the fact that they come from Muslim backgrounds or may follow the Muslim faith in order to sexualize them is not only offensive to their accomplishments, but is ultimately offensive to the faith itself. Obviously, Islam has not hindered these women, and the article does not feature any commentary on the role of faith in their lives.

These women did pose rather provocatively in these photos, I think that it is no different than what I see when I flip through a magazine at the supermarket. What makes this article so offensive to me in particular, is the fact that they are fetishizing these women based upon a stereotype of Muslim women being seen and not heard. Thus, the article makes wide assumptions about not only the backgrounds of these women, but about Muslim women in general. I think the beauty of Muslim women is our diversity in thought, expression, and backgrounds, and this list merely reduces us to one sexualized image.

Disappointing, yes. Entertaining, perhaps. Now to explain to my co-workers why I don't roll around in 6 inches heels, boobs a flare, and hair lingering in the breeze, fun. Not.

Some Things Have To Be Believed To Be Seen- The Not So Ramadan, Ramadan Post

2009-08-26T19:03:00.008-04:00

Confession of The Month:

Few really believe. The most only believe that they believe or even make believe. And I was among those who believed in belief as opposed to just believing. So here I was coming off of a summer vacation turned burden, ending with more issues than I began, and a steadily declining faith in everything, even myself.

.................................................................................................................

For those of you waiting in anticipation for my less than desirable reasoning as to the long gaps in posting here it is: life. I know, shocker but life happens. Between dealing with new personal commitments, anxiety/stress disorders, and a developing eating disorder, sometimes blogging is the last thing I have the energy to worry about. But, none of that is what this post is about. This post is about updating and optimism despite the personal struggles within.

Way back when I still believed that hearts are magnets and people cared about other people I also believed in me. But, lately belief, like my self-confidence, is ever fleeting and far too determinant upon others for survival. And there lies the problem. In my final bow to summer I accepted a position as a counselor at a camp designed for Muslim youth. So many times before I had been the camper, the dependent, the follower. I was secure in that role, having little responsibility with much freedom. But, this time was different. I was surrounded with girls ranging in age from 10-12, all looking towards me for guidance. But, how could I be their guide, their leader, their role model? How could I be everything they wanted, when there wasn't enough of me for what I needed? They'd call me pretty, or hot, smart and funny. But, all of it made me want to cry, at best. And then it was time to swim. The boys were sent off to archery, as the remaining camp of girls donned their swim attire. Some were dressed more freely than others but, all of them were gorgeous. All of them but, one.

I was that one. But, not because I didn't have the potential the others did...rather because I didn't allow that potential to escape. I created excuses at meal times, and acted as though I didn't hear compliments, I would sleep with my journal, terrified of writing what I truly felt. A friend of mine would text occasionally trying to convince me that he would love me, if I let him. And it was then that I realized I could love me too, if I let me.

Often I would make the girls go to bed early because I didn't want to face me while I was awake. When it came time for prayers I would wait till they slept and pray separately, afraid of the power of prayers, knowing I might have to face myself. Finally, I was discovered. One of the younger girls woke up and sat there so still watching me in the night, terrified of praying, terrified of eating, terrified of being. And so she climbed down off the top bunk and sat near me. For minutes, time stood still. Then she spoke, "it didn't promise to be easy..." Shocked at the words I asked, "what, what didn't promise to be easy?" "Life," she says. Life never promised to be easy. I sat thinking, wondering, how she knew that I stopped believing in the life I was creating. She admitted to reading parts of my journal, I had forgotten I jokingly said she could. She also admitted that she liked it, she liked feeling like she was "important." Important, I asked her, what gave her that notion that when I felt like I was failing at everything I was becoming, that of all things I was important. "Because, because at least your something."

Her words hit like daggers, piercing my heart, forcing me to consider that even at my very worst I was someones very best. There's far more to the story. It involves writing love notes in the rain, dancing when no one's watching, and crying while praying. But, Brianna's words are more important that any of those.I have to believe in my own ability to trust in God's ability to help me overcome the personal tribulations which threaten my very existence.

And then came Ramadan.Ramadan is the month of fasting, which is observed by Muslims worldwide, in the 9th month of the Islamic calender. It's among one of the holiest and most spiritually profound within the Islamic culture, as Muslims believe it is the time in which the prophet received revelation of the Quran from God. Ramadan is an opportunity never to be wasted. Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open.

"Verily, Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves."

[Ar-Ra`d, 11]

So my Ramadan resolution is simple: Create a month worthy of repetition. I can not change everything that I am in one month but, He can. And so,I ask God/Allah not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders.

I'd Go Around A Time or Two Just To Waste My Time With You...

2009-08-21T00:30:00.008-04:00

August 02. 2009

This is the story of a blog(her) who looked like the sun and breathed like the clouds, spreading light when she smiled and darkness when she faded. Too bad, she didn't know her own worth. She kept her days busied with being alive but, never with living. No, no, she wasn't ungrateful of the life nor the blessings which shower her, rather she was just drowning in all the opportunities she had. So she journaled often, scribbling down thoughts, noting that attitudes are contagious, wondering if hers was worthy of catching, but never passing it on. But that's the problem with worthy people and good advice, it's always needed, rarely expressed, and often scribbled. So she scribbles often, here or maybe there but, never in the air. If you reveal your secrets to the wind she says, you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. And so to herself the untapped ability remains.

But, tonight it all changed...

Tonight I wrote down what I truly want out of life, a package of 38 pastel sharpies, fresh sidewalk chalk, bubble mint gum (for 2 people) , the smell of fresh coffee and the sound of water running through. I want air that smells of grass with dew nestled atop it, and children eating Popsicles while running through sprinklers. I want a mother to scold her son for running through the house with shoes on and a couple on the street to whisper about it all. I want that couple to be me and whomever he maybe. But, how pretell am I to tell my parents that in the final semester of schooling I want to leave. I want to sip mango peach chai atop a stoop in Espana (Spain). I want to chase geese in the streets and ride a bicycle to work. I want to work for minimum wage at a small school where the kids can't pronounce my name and I like it. I want my job descriptions to include opening up juice boxes and pouring Lego's onto the floor. I want to grow my hair long and maybe a few tomatoes. Then deep, deep into the night,I'd gaze out into the night sky and write love letters to the moon. And almost in complete jealousy you'd play a lullaby to the sun.

We confess to little faults only to persuade ourselves that we have no great ones. But, of course we do. And if her only fault was that she missed out on love, it's no fault worth taking. She'd wrong a 1000 times over to miss the taste of love just once. And so, I confess my weaknesses to the wind and pray not that God make my load any lighter but, rather he make my shoulders stronger. And should He in that guide my love letter to the moon and the stars fall down onto you, then I will be happy.

Because in the end love has no desire but to fulfill itself.

There Should Be More Black Boy Bands...

2009-08-05T15:09:00.000-04:00

When a Muslim girl gets bored she has three options: Shop, Eat, or Do her hair/make up. As it's Ramadan and broad daylight I bet you can guess how many I've accomplished. I also bet you can guess what sort of Perplxintexan A.D.D inspired post shall follow. But, worry not your head any longer. Behold Ahmir! They're an up and coming R&B band from the East Coast. I love them for multiple reasons including their dance styles, their matching shoes, their skin color, and vocals. Reminds me of the days when Asians didn't own YouTube, Doug was a lifestyle choice, and being a virgin was a good thing. sigh. But, alas times are a changing and platform shoes have been replaced by ~~death~~ Crocs.

One thing, one thing that won't die though is....
Boy bands.

and the only thing better than boy bands is....
Black boy bands.

and the only thing better than black boy bands is....
Miley Cyrus.

Perhaps not Miley but, she sure did something great in making the Climb. And Ahmir sure did something great in remaking it.

Captain Planet, He's Our Hero!

2009-07-27T12:37:00.018-04:00

"The Power Is YOURS!"

Actually Captain Planet was far from my hero and not just because of his over use of hair gel or misuse of blue spandex but, because I couldn't relate. Sure, he sent a great message to the kids, recycool, stay in school, use trash cans, all of which are fine and dandy. But, after realizing this weekend that TMNT (the teenage mutant ninja turtles) were raised by a rat named splinter in a sewer in NY, I also realized all of my childhood superheros were rip offs! And it got me to thinking, growing up I didn't really have a hero. Sure, I loved the greats: Spider man, Batman, Superman, Soulja Boy, ya know ...the greats. But who did I really want to become? Because growing up as an American Muslim, smothered by the suburbs of Texas, my parents had me successfully brainwashed by 3 into thinking Salaam (from Salams journey), Sinbad, Big Bird, and Adam were superheros. I thought hijabs were capes and scholars like Imam Zaid and Shaykh Hamza were just acting in disguise to avoid exposing the greater scheme of enjoining in good and forbidding evil. I just knew they were the original superman, going fully thawbed status in phone booths across the USA. At some point I did ask myself where the sheros were --because there are tons of female villains-- Coincidence? I think not-- but where were the good girls?

By 8 I was sure I'd marry the Red Power ranger; and together we'd start our own brand of superharam fighting heros. He'd love me and cherish my contributions as I taught him new techniques, like the wudhu wash of doom, which would cleanse all haram and drain the enemy of dirty intentions-- because everyone knows we're only based on intentions. There would be potions and spells ala Hogwarts, like the Hummus Hypnosis which has the ability to stun enemies with just a single bite of pita bread. But, alas this was my ~~A.D.D.~~ overactive imagination and I'm left with a kufi-topped, Elmo knock off, puppet named Adam to thank for that. Or perhaps it was the magical bird named Hud-Hud (which btw literally translates back to bird, in English). Still I'm left wondering where were the Muslim Superheros!? In fact, where are the Muslim super heros?

Then my Google reader gave me the answer, granted it gave me the answer 2 weeks ago when the brother updated his blog but, those are minor details. Meet the 99, 'who personify the 99 attributes of Allah, according to Islamic tradition.

"The 99"

What will unfold on the pages of the collaboration between DC Comics in the US and Teshkeel Comics in Kuwait is yet to be seen, but the appearance of The 99 – who already appear in comics in the Muslim world – alongside archetypal American heroes would have been unlikely during the Bush years. DC Comics’ president and publisher, Paul Levitz, believes the cross-cultural project is unprecedented. A few accuse DC Comics of betraying the US: “Muslim-pandering, anyone? Thank you, Time Warner, for showing us whose side you’re on. I guess we can add you to the list of traitorous companies who have forgotten 9/11.”

Unlike their western counterparts The 99 do not wear disguises, unless you count the burka-wearing Batina The Hidden, nor are they outsiders with secret identities. They are ordinary people who develop extraordinary abilities...although characters pray or read the Qur’an, they are meant to appeal to children of all faiths." Sounds promising and exciting to say the least. It's not the hummus hypnosis I prayed for as a child but, it's a worthy start none the less.

Shout outs to: Saad @ Chill Yo Islam, Yo for the inspiration!

Welcome to the Family #5- Do I really need to get a nerve or will a vein do?

2009-07-19T10:03:00.006-04:00

The longer summer rages on the lower my intelligence becomes. Part of this is because I am allowing it to decline and part of it is "family time". Scratch that. All of it is family time, family time and Daisy of Love. So I've decided to ~~give in~~ dedicate an entire segment of my blog to my brothers' fleeting class and offensive thought process. Behold! Oh Brother Where Art Thou Filter

Day 1- "Ok, I understand you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but who actually wants to READ a WHOLE book to judge it?"

That quote is actually home to my darling mother, who just so happens to be the school board president and previous district attorney for the state of Texas.

Day 2- (The following G-chat conversation came after I went out of my way to buy a freagin 4$ birthday card while in D.C. at some gas stationy rip-off place and mail it just so I wouldn't miss his birthday. Minor details.)

me: Did you get your card?

kbdullah: yes i did!

very thoughtful

but i lost it lol

me: you're a damn fool, and semi-pathetic

kbdullah: i know

it said right on the card... don't loose this card

12:44 PM I remember where i put it too

b/c I was trying NOT to lose it

12:45 PM me: WOW

kbdullah: so i put it in the pocket of the car door...of daddy's rental car

12:46 PM and unless he took it out and saved it for me...

me: I can't handle this conversation anymore

kbdullah: i'm sorry

me: apologize to yourself

kbdullah: I did but I wasn't forgiven

me: hahaha

12:47 PM kbdullah: maybe if there had been money in it, ya know an incentive.. i would've remembered

9 minutes

12:56 PM me: You suck, this is why I do nothing nice for the family.
AND I blogged about you

now it's not backbiting
it's blogbiting.

Day 3- "I think it's pretty much a given that midgets don't attend stand-up comedy shows, right? Or circuses really. That'd be a pretty tall order."

Of course he added the infamous "get it?"-- Because my 18+ years of the American education system never taught me what a pun was. Note to self: If you ever feel the need to explain how truly offensive your joke was, just leave the room.

There Is Nothing Wrong With America That Cannot Be Cured by What's Right With America

2009-07-09T12:26:00.060-04:00

In the words of a Hijabee in D.C. , while many tourists flooded Washington (D.C.) to attend the 4th of July celebrations, to honor America's 233rd anniversary, I, along with about 35,000 Muslims had other plans. I attended the 46th annual ISNA convention merely blocks away from the Capitol. Sprinkled with speaking greats, Imam Siraj Wahaj, Zaid Shakir, Suhaib Webb, Shaykh Hamzah Yusuf, and talent like Baba Ali, Ms. Latifa, Native Deen, Amir Suliman, and The Great Seneca there was no shortage of Muslim pride.

Some of you however, might be wondering why thousands of Muslims choose to be in the nation's capitol on the nations' Independence day, ~~given that we're already accused of everything since the dawn of time~~, well know that I was wondering the same.

But, to walk away from the convention broke in pocket, rich in soul, and not afraid to stand alone, I'm glad we were in the nations capitol. Barely 10 blocks west of President Obamas' humble estate, we stood proudly gathered, celebrating the very ideals this country was founded on, freedom of religion, the right to assemble and the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

That was our story but, this is my story.And my story involves an all too excited Zahra, road-crazed Saffiyah, and the 10.5 hr road trip to get there.

Part I- The Approach

The Infamous Leggings

I knew D.C. was about a 10 hr trip but, it never occurred to me that we'd actually be in the car for 8+ hrs. So when we left at about 3:3o am the sun was down, and it never crossed my mind that eventually the sun would come up.

This fact may or may not have influenced our decision to wear grey-1986 inspired-leggings. Meaning by hr 7, I was left to pump gas in a city with 1500 people in nothing but a hijab, grey leggings, and an MSA national shirt.

Fmylife.

.............................................................................................................................

Part II- The Arrival/ Showdown at the Alter

It became clear after the first 7 hrs that 'fifi' (Saffiyah) just might have a slight ~~death wish~~ road rage issue. She, however, insisted it was a "commencement to getting it in," her way of saying the drivings gonna suck and take forever either way, so go hard or go home. Then the cops pulled us over.

Saffiyah "explained" to the officer that in order for him to catch her speeding he had to have been speeding so technically she was following his lead. I blame her chest size and eye shadowed, honey brown eyes, because, that girl didn't get a ticket!

We arrived safely only to realize we had to pick up other people so we parked in a lot advertised for 6$ that apparently, "meant to say 10$" I tried telling the operator he was ripping us off by not only 4$ but, since we didn't park there, the entire 10$. "10$" he replied, "not my problem."

No worries, I made it his problem.

As though those 2 arguments weren't enough some chick threatened to "kick my ass!" for sitting in my own seat during the MSA entertainment session friday night. Turns out she's co-author of Muslima2Muslima (not to be confused with the lovelys over at Muslimah2Muslimah) Well, well, well, small world huh? Clearly not acting on her words i.e. kicking my a$*, she was a bunch of talk. Hmm, kinda like what she blogs about, words with no correlated actions. But, she was dressed very nicely, and in her defense, seemed to be having a rough night so, perhaps it was P.M.S. Forgiven. No harm, no foul.

Part III- The ISNA Convention

Saturday,we attended some lectures/made ourselves useful to society. Most of our day was spent volunteering with MSA [Muslim Student Association] and MYNA [Muslim Youth of America] and when I say volunteering... I actually mean yelling at brothers to move to the right, sisters to the left, all while demanding/asking that all strollers remain out of the aisles.

I was ~~asked~~ begged to moderate for the Zaid Shakir/Shakh Hamza Yusuf lecture but, that was a negative. I honestly can't sit still for that long while managing the time, remembering announcements, all while ignoring perfectly kosher text. Uh,that's like telling an A.D.D child not to follow the colors.

Black Henna

Speaking of colors, the bazaar was my friend. It was a bit weak this year, which can easily be blamed on the economy/recession. But, that didn't stop me from splurging on hijabs, pins, and unnecessary accessories.

Part IV- The Spark (Light Upon Light)

Waiting for our signal to begin Shaykh Hamza Yusuf finally stood and firmly mounted the podium. He calmly began staring out across the masses of 6-56yr olds poised with precision and spoke, "Never apologize for who you are, aren't, or were," and with those words my eyes filled to the brim. How could they not? Whether is was arguments with friends, foes, professors, or prostitutes, for the past 6 months of my life I've blamed their shortcomings on my insecurities and accepted blame for the Muslim I am. I allowed my self to be every mans scapegoat and every woman's whipping boy. But, how could I? How, in good faith, could I apologize for the very religion that made me who I am? How could I back down from who I'm becoming because, I'm afraid of who I was? I swallowed the tears and wrote with fierce texture moving from my palm to the back of a program. If I gained nothing from this conference but, this moment, it would be a moment I will never forget.He continued, telling stories of animated cartoons like Pinocchio, who spent too much of his youth in fantasy island and not enough in reality, allowing the characters he was to be tempted by who he despised. And that, he says is why the problem with youth, is that it's wasted on the young. I'm far from fantasy island yet treat this life like it's permanent, allowing the whored-up sororities girls of my party-harty university in the sky to influence the woman I'm becoming.

He shared with us that July 4th is actually an Islamic holiday/Independence day, as it's the day that Jerusalem was liberated (Crusades). So much history, so much pride, and this is what I'm afraid to express almost 234 days out of the year. I'm afraid of just one name being called, or stone being thrown. But, it was in his statement, "Never apologize for your religion," that I realized I am an embodiment of this deen (religion). And so when I deny who I am physically, I'm denying who I am entirely.Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide. And with decisions come, again, the very foundations upon which this nation is founded, the ongoing struggle to maintain life, liberty, and that pursuit of happiness. I'm just as American as Pablo, Pedro, or Ahmed from down the way so why is it that I have to apologize for what I am, when it's everything you need.

It was in the that moment I realized, I'm taking my very life, youth, and freedom for granted. Or at least, I was. Freedom means choosing your burden, for freedom, is not enough. Every man dies, but, not every man lives. And so today my heart rings of liberty bells, and spiritual wells. I am free, not because I claim freedom, but because I practice freedom.

Trip Highlights//Inside Jokes

Introducing Zahra to the world of Slurpees and Big Gulps
Meeting a 35(ish) yr.old woman in the bazzar asking about whether or not I was single. I did the honest thing and replied 'yes,' to which she introduced me to her husband :|
Loosing 2 lbs!

Best Overheard Conversations

My Mother (to her lesbian boss): Don't worry Suze I'll give you a blow by blow, once I get back!

Security Officer: Excuse me miss, badge?
Asmaa: Hey, I'll show you a piece of my hair if you let me in

Zahra:OMG! The White house!!
Me: Except it's not a house.
My Mother:Or white.

Wife: Man, I really want a motorcycle.
Husband: Why is that, haven't ridden anything in a while?
Wife: Yes and no. I want to ride one. I just don't want to own one...
Husband: Yeah, that's how I feel about Dragons.

Best Part of D.C. Road Trip 2009

Knowing who I am; because the best part to leaving home is coming home.

Welcome To The Family #4- Ok, Ok, Knock Knock!

2009-07-08T12:53:00.004-04:00

My eldest brothers' IQ ranks in the top 20th percentile of the nation. Yet, this is his away status:

Why is Eight afraid of Seven?
Because 07/08/09!!!

Friday Fragments//Jum'uah Jottings # 12- I Won't Run, If It Looks Like Love..

2009-07-03T09:10:00.008-04:00

Boom! Crackle,pop, went the soaring fireworks into the midnight sky and clinch went the fist of the 9 yr. old. "Isn't it amazing?," she asks. This is the first time she's seen fireworks and, so of course, it's amazing. It's always enlightening and amazing when we discover something new. Just imagine if we always discovered something new, or if that something we discovered was ourselves.

Think of all the packed powder and dusty bursts of inspiration, potential, we each have hidden within us. Think of what we could accomplish if just one us dared to be who we are,completely, all the time. I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #12

Let us review the part of the summer where I head to the airport to pick up my siblings --who are actually arriving 2 weeks later-- because they've decided to stop off in Granda and San Antonia while I'm stuck in Summer school.

Then, let us review how my mother failed to realize June and July aren't actually the same month. Then let us recall how while standing there I heard "PA: Paging arriving passenger Juan Sanchez from Mexico City. Please return to gate B4 to retrieve your piñata." Now let us laugh. I'm sure they're holding it next to Jean-Luc Cousteau's cheese wheel.
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I went to get a new ID because, my wallet was stolen, which had my social security card in it as well. I found out that to get your ID you have to have your social security card, and to get your social security card, you need your ID. Did I mention that after the 8 hrs it took to find all of that out, my mom texted? She just "hoped my bad day wouldn't get worse" because on a brighter note she found my wallet this morning. It's on her bed.

FMYLIFE

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Is it wrong to tell people with AIDS to stay positive?

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More Proof My Friends Have Zero Life

So we ate dinner and watched ~~a two and a half hour film about legos on steroids~~ ~~and a whored up Megan Fox~~ err...Transformers. During dinner we met the very fortunate looking waiter Hunter. Even after the 3hrs that is Transformers, Jessie had one thing on her mind. Insert this conversation.

Jessie: Okay I'm thinking he doesn't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
Me: ok you need to stop NOW
Jessie: But, 29 just might be it. You think he changed his hair color? Or even his eye color?

--Why stop there Jess, he might have changed his ethnicity too!
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A boy in my class insist he loves me, for I am just like his 'mummy'. At show and tell the last day of school he rose to announce she was a Lesbian-American. Great I thought now the children think I'm a lesbo--not that being lesbian is bad, but, I am not one. I was somewhat depressed after this occurrence but, pulled it together. At least she was a pretty Lesbian, I thought. Luckily I volunteered at the school the summer to which I met his mother. Turns out she's Lebanese-American!

Phew. *dancing ensues*
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Over Heard Moments in Ptexan's Life

White girl to Asian guy: So... How often is Chinese New Year?

Genius with bad word choice to a younger sibling: I've been on Twitter way before it was cool. So, basically, what I'm saying is, I've been gayer longer than you have.

My lovely neighbor Geoff:What kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but I'm not gonna call you ever again'?

Inappropriate friend outside the Masjid: God always gives the religious girls good bodies. Look at your boobs PT. You could drown in them! DROWN!
Me: Do you think we should change the subject?
Inappropriate friend outside of masjid: To what Layla's butt. I mean that's reason enough to make me pray AND fast.

--- umm does this mean you will change the subject?
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Years later, in the history books, kids won't understand why OxyClean products needed shouting, unless they just weren't very effective. None the less I was tempted to buy everything Billy Mays ~~screamed~~ sold.
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A pretty big goal of mine in life is to work for PointinCase.com Either that or meet the girl who's a goof looking for her ball.
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Word of the Week

Brain Bleach
Use:Verb

What one might use to erase a particularly nasty image or memory.

Man, I just saw Olga in skin-tight canary-yellow stretch pants. I need to score me about five gallons of brain bleach!

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ATTN everyone on Twitter:

The question asked of you is: What are you doing? No mandate to share random thoughts exists. Please take note.

Also: Follow me :)
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All the kids on my mothers' side of the family, including my grandmother start with a "D".All the kids in my family, including my father, have a first name begingging with a "K". I want to continue this tradition. What letter should I pick for my own Rugrats?

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Random Text of The Week//Where Do I Find these People?

This is beyond slightly inappropriate but, one of my friends just broke up with his g/f after learning that she was already dating someone else. Also, that someone else may or may not have been his ~~sister~~. Minor details.

I told him to get even...I know real mature. 10 minutes later she texted to let me know that he tagged himself as her crotch in all of their facebook pictures. Now that's what I call family time!
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For anyone else who has been in Walmart lately school supply shopping,grocery shopping, pet shopping or even shop lifting and saw this (pictured right) then you may have done like I and stood angered that you couldn't figure out what the toadballs LYLAS means. None to fear bing helped, it me

ans Love Ya Like a Sister/Sibling. Now we can all go back to shopping and stealing as we were.
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When airplanes land why do the people suddenly feel the need to start clapping?
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To all those who guessed. YES! I was supposed to be in Detroit last weekend for the annual Arab-American festival but, I didn't go for obvious or maybe not so obvious reasons. Thanks for pleasing me.
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And now good people the time has come for me to pack up and ride off into the sunset for D.C. Yes, I'm actually going this time. Actually, I'm already there. As I posted this early, so technically this is my future self. *cue twilight music* Seriously though if you'll be in D.C. or at the ISNA 46th annual convention this year look for me. (Yes, I realize how terribly ignorant that request just was but, my future self has confidence that at least one person will find me!)

For More Funtime Fragments Don't Forget to Check Out: Half Past Kissin' Time

Conversations W/Muslims #22- I'll Survive on Little Victories

2009-07-01T11:05:00.002-04:00

It's time for another exciting portion of reasons why old people shouldn't be allowed to touch anything...but themselves.

(better known as reasons why my mother doesn't deserve a cell/shouldn't text)

Me: Mama I can't find the 20$ I found today.

Mama: Maybe it's a sign.

Me:Like what?

Mama: I don't know I don't make signs. I just follow them.

Mama: Like stop, go, yield, traffic slow ahead.

Me: Where have you ever seen a "Go" sign?

Mama:That's just it I haven't found it yet!

Mama:I'm sure my exit is approaching soon though. L0l

Me: That's gross don't use short hand, you're over the hill.

Mama:Yeah, that's where I found the traffic is slow ahead sign. You're father had it.

(30 minutes later)

Me: I found it, never mind.

Mama: Where?!

Me: Not the sign. the money. Unless the money is the sign.

Mama:Great! If you were still bummed I was gonna suggest getting Sea herpes.

Mama: I mean Sea Horses. Sea horses.

Oh Hawt Damn! This is My Jam...

2009-06-22T14:29:00.010-04:00

The great thing about summer is that it means quality time, not quantity time with people. Unlike quantity time, quality time is about obtaining time with individuals based on the pure sentiment of being with/around each other as opposed to obtaining ~~individuals~~, or other factors. For example, I'd rather do absolutely nothing with my best friend Zahra for hours than be without her for one. Basically, if you feel like what you're about to with a person belongs on the back of a Hallmark card then you're enjoining in quality time.

I started to think about all those quality time moments when I realized almost all of these memoirs were in vehicles/while traveling and that's because almost all of my memories start with one (or more) persons screaming, "Oh this is my jam!" The problem with people like *cough* Zahra *cough* is that whether it's hip-hop, R&B, Rap, Pop, foreign tunes, like Arabic and Spanish, heavy metal, country, or instrumental, EVERY song is their jam. The other problem with riding in vehicles with such people is that they continually announce how great of a jam it really is. You might hear them using such phrases:

This is Ole' School right here!
DAY-um, this is the joint!
Turn it up!
Ya'll don't know nothing about this

You're quite right, I don't know nothing 'bout this, and thank gawd for that! After screaming about how fabulous the song is they're charged up and have probably started singing over the music, are standing in the car/ jumping over things to get to the volume, singing the wrong lyrics, melody, tune, and are more than likely singing the wrong song entirely. Sometimes they do such things without a radio/music at all singing along in public places like Qdoba, the grocery store, Church. It's also probably one of the most offensive or inappropriate tunes ever created (see also:Takin' Retards to The Zoo, (Crank dat)Soulja Boy , or perhaps the ever inappropriate 3oh!3's Don't Trust a ho )

Now the reason I bring this up is because since my family's ~~abandoning me( who's in school and being responsible) for vacation in the Bahamas/ D.C.~~ leaving temporarily, I've been semi-living with Zahra and her family to which I learned that the ONLY thing worse than a person who owns every jam in the jam-universe is a child jammer. A child jammer is a regular jammer who can't think nearly as fast a fully grown jammer yet insist on jamming none the less. So as opposed to hearing "The circle of life and it moves us all" you hear "the wrinkle of lines and it moves so toe" At least with fully grown jammers I can use ~~violence~~ persuasive methods to achieve silence but, with creatures under the age of 10 belting out Hoey Montana I almost feel sorry for them. I mean back in my day Disney didn't just make movies, they made classics. Now they just make trash. So this morning I may or may not have takin' out the trash, misplacing that Disney Channel Music Super Stars CD. Ah, and now the summer can continue as regularly scheduled.

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings # 11- It's The End Where I Begin

2009-06-19T08:00:00.005-04:00

While holding Ms.Jo's sleeping baby boy I realized, the world is a circle in more than one way. While he is the welcomed beginning to their family, he was the end to her over indulged Starbucks-inspired sleep patterns.In fact, one might say that life is one huge PMS trip, with ups and downs, cramps, bloating and riddled with cycles.

These are cycles; they end forming new beginnings and new opportunities. Sometimes goodbye is the opportunity we need to say hello to the actual potential within ourselves. The tricky part is finding that delicate balance and maintaining it without literally going overboard. Sitting next to Zahra at 2am when she whispers, "I don't have the patience," forced me to realize that in this life of cycles it's in the end where I begin. With each setting sun and closing light there are surely doors opening and suns rising. It's the dedication and will power we must seek out within ourselves that will fuel us towards greatness. And as for patience it's bitter but, it's fruits are sweet.

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #11

Finally the world is recognizing the importance of women in society. Little research has been done to understand how investments in girls impact economic growth and the health and
well-being of communities. This lack of data reveals how pervasively girls have been overlooked. For millions of girls across the developing world, there are no systems to record their birth, their citizenship, or even their identity.

Take note of The Girl Effect. Support. Sponsor. Inspire.
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If you see a black man riding south on a bike, take the bike. It's probably yours.

If you see a black man riding north on a bike, take the black man. He's probably yours.

--This is the joke one of my inappropriate and slightly offensive neighbors told.But, in all seriousness though did any one else hear about the government law being passed in which the United States as a country apologizes for slavery? The issue is once the bill is passed, alot of people are going to be expecting a mule and 40 acres.

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I'm nannying for my neighbors' kids (4 ,7)for the next week.We went to the store where the youngest looked at a woman exclaiming, "You're ugly!" I pulled him aside explaining that it wasn't nice to say such things...outloud. The boy began to cry, shouting, "But she isn't pretty!"

His parents reduced my pay by 1.25$ an hour, for 'encouraging their children to lie, in public'

-FML

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More Proof My Friends Have Zero Life

He mostly speaks in Urdu.
But, says "I love you" & "asalamualaikum" (@ 1:15).
Anyone recognize what he says at (1:35) ?
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When I was younger I aspired to work at Krogers and bag groceries. My mother was disappointed. Then my sister was born and revealed she wanted 'to be famous', like the people on Jerry Springer! God bless, younger siblings.
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Over Heard Moments in Ptexan's Life

Annoyed husband at Restaurant: I like you better when you drink.
Equally Pissed Wife: I like you better when I drink too.

Man in Suit:Every day I try to do something out of my comfort zone, like hanging out with you.

Officer: Immediately!
Intern: Like now, immediately? ---You're getting warmer
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Why do people talk about ‘girlie’ things but never ‘boyie’ things?
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Why Are You Allowed In Public?

This new section is dedicated to all of the geniuses I encounter daily. Like the teachers on an elementary school playground.

Art teacher, looking at another eating Pringles: Pringles are the perfect chip, based on the texture, shape, and lines. They fit perfectly in your mouth.
History teacher: I don't know. If you asked me, I'd just prefer a Lay.

Because, clearly this couldn't be misinterpreted, or considered inappropriate conversation.
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Driving to class, I saw a biker signaling left. Another car rolled by and tried giving him a high five instead. The man fell over. I'm still laughing.
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Can you describe your life with a six word sentence?
Here's mine: I dare to be me,everyday.
Or perhaps it's: I'm inspired by a thinking heart.
PC's are for the cool kids?....
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Word of the Week

Chronoptimist
Function: (adj)

A person who always under estimates the time necessary to do something or get somewhere.

"Hey, Sarah. You know my parents are expecting us in 20 minutes."
"No problem. I just have to wash the dishes, take a shower, do my hair, walk the dog, trim the bushes, and then I'm all good to go. See you in 15!"

*This word was (again) inspired by the bestie, Zahra who is a chronic optimist.
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ATTN everyone on Twitter:

The question asked of you is: What are you doing? No mandate to share random thoughts exists. Please take note.

Also: Follow me :)
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23,040 minutes.384 hours.
15 days until the 46th Annual ISNA Convention in D.C.

I'll be heading out at about 5 am with Zahra and Co.
7+ hours in a car can make you do some crazy things but, as long as I get my McDonalads Breakfast w/hot Cocoa and The Script CD I'm a happy camper.

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Random Text of The Week//Where Do I Find these People?

For those of you who are oblivious to my attending the number 6 party school in the United States behold my friend Amber.

Amber (S): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
Me: We call that spaghetti Os

The sad part is she was completely serious, and not high.
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When talking on the phone why do people say "oh well, I'm gonna let you go." I mean technically, if you go, I go. And, I didn't know that I was applying for your attention but, this is obviously a minor detail.

People usually say things like this actually meaning, I want to get off the phone now because I hate talking to you, but I'll pretend that I'm being polite by letting you go back to whatever boring crap you would be doing if you weren't talking to me. And the worse part of it is that I'm a total I'll let you go-er.

What's your bad phone habit? .............................................................................................................................

Useless information I learn as a Marriage and Family Relationship therapist

According to the Museum of Sex, the vibrator was originally used as a medicinal treatment for female "hysteria" during the 19th century. The vibrator-induced orgasms helped doctors dissipate hysteria's anxiety-related symptoms.
There are approximately 45 billion fat cells in an average adult.
Impotence is grounds for divorce in 26 U.S. states.

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When airplanes land why do the people suddenly feel the need to start clapping?
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Anyone click on some of the links in my new nav bar? Try checking out the Perplxin-ictionary. It's a combination of words, phrases, and fun time facts, like a dictionary, that helps you navigate and understand the blog!
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Here about the newest craze? A PC game that allows players to gang rape virtual women – and then force them to have an abortion – has been banned from Amazon. It's a virtual rape videogame. Honestly, I wish I just made that up but, unfortunately it exists.
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If dawn breaks, does dusk come together?
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I'm off for a weekend excursion. The location is near the upper midwest of the USA. It was at one point considered a busied music town and the car stealing capitol. There will be dancing and too many people for the area we'll be in. Anyone know where I'm going?

For More Funtime Fragments Don't Forget to Check Out: Half Past Kissin' Time

The Best of Us Can Find Happiness in Misery...

2009-06-08T11:36:00.005-04:00

I have this friend who works a bunch and even invested in some stocks and is now semi-wealthy. BUT...he's still in college. Now most of the people in our group are all gung ho about his recent stumble upon good fortunate. I however, am not. First of all, we're in college. Being rich in college is like finding money in baby poop and bird saliva. Yes, you've got money but you're still buried in crap. I honestly feel like one of the joys to being in school is having the satisfaction of knowing that not showering for 2 days, eating breakfast at 12:30am, and being poor is actually encouraged. In fact, being or doing the opposite of any of those makes you a freak. I mean being a millionaire in college proves what exactly?... besides the fact that you obviously don't need college to be successful OR happy OR a reason to shower. Which brings me to my next point, happiness.

What makes a person happy? Is it cars? Is it girls? Is it money? Perhaps is the satisfaction of Karma. Or perhaps it's because when I was younger my brain was fueled by the Justice League and Sesame Street. Consequently, I now secretly hope to marry the red Power Ranger and bring down the no-good doers of our society. Now half of you are probably smirking but, I'm dead serious. You know those nosey people that sit around hoping to catch someone getting arrested, stealing, or damn near stop every time they see a wreck? Yeah, that's me. Note to self: [stop watching so much Law & Order]--Still, I really like when people 'get what's coming to them'. In fact, when I was younger I was so into the whole good-versus- evil persona that I would keep count of how many 'points' each 'team' got. A sense of justice makes me happy.

But, this post is about one of my semi-best friends, Soniya. Soniya just graduated-which I honestly didn't think would ever happen. Her name isn't actually Soniya and she didn't technically graduate but, these are minor details in a mixed Palestinian home. If you walk across the stage, you've graduated, and then it's time to get married. At her graduation open house last Sunday I was blown away at her amazing backyard. Her parents went all out, Kufta, burgers, lamb, chicken, 3 types of dips, 4 types of drinks, cakes, cupcakes, hummus, assorted appetizers, and even the matching napkins/table clothes. They had volleyball, soccer, a trampoline, horse shoes, and a hammock. They really went above and beyond to show their support for their daughter. What they didn't however know is the extent to which she cheated and conned her way through school. I love the girl to death but, lately she's just been around the wrong influences. It was time for Karma to be served.

Picture this quaint and happy blossoming teen girl swinging in the wind. Now picture the bag of pot nestled deep within her pocket, tucked away from her mother. Also picture the approaching 58 yr old aunt/neighbor going to hug her, ready to gift the 'well deserved graduation money'. For whatever reason Rosemary thought it would be cute to sneak the money into Soniya's pocket, acting like it was a drug deal. And for whatever other reason the gust of wind from the swing carried her pot out of the pocket and into the yard.

Then for whatever other other reason, I laughed.

When A Heart Breaks, It Don't Break Even

2009-06-07T10:00:00.000-04:00

Boom went the thunder and lighting and ring went then phone. I lay still on the twin size bed as his sister clinched my hand tighter, afraid the tornado would take her away. Boom went the thunder and clinch went her fist, grasping at my skin, barely asleep, yet, wide awake. Crash went the wind slamming against the window pane and ring went the phone. The house, the weather, the family finally lay still, ring went the phone, "Yes, I love you" went him.

Love is in the air, the very air that I breathe. It's the very air that hung so heavy last night, sinking in deeper, knowing that after I heard love, I found hate. Many would assume that love is a positive thing but, love like change, requires both now and then. The then to this story is me. It's less the physical representation of me and more the mental. I am Muslim. He is Muslim. But, she isn't. So he loves what isn't me. He loves her, she who isn't Muslim, she who shouldn't be.

For centuries, culture has played a tug of war with those of ambition. Those souls who dare to think, or rather, love outside of the box. Think of the Boleyean girls daring to marry up for power, wealth, and status. Think of Princess Diana and her Egyptian boyfriend, or perhaps more recently with Kobe Bryant and his Caucasian girl wonder. Think of those who joined in union because of love but, divided communities, families, and lives because of the hate the union brought on. Think of Pochantos and John Smith, the tale of a man who wasn't afraid to show his parents what he loves, who he loves. Now think of yourself and what role you play into all of this.

A great friend of mine, Ms. Latifa, a Muslim slam-poet, from Atlanta, Georgia receives high acclaim for her poem 'My 9/11 story.' My favorite poem however is entitled, 'Plan B', in it she writes, "honestly, I didn't think you would marry me. Maybe Aliyah, or Zakiah, but at the community picnic the other day you introduced me to your new wife, Tamika." The poem continues, telling the story of a girl enraged by the pattern of Muslim men dating outside of their religion. And while in Islam such a merger is allowable, I, too, am enraged.

You see unlike marrying outside of color, or culture, in a community where religion is life, it's hard explaining why your best friends' brother lay awake at 2am, in damn near tears, over a Catholic girl from Indiana. My beef isn't with her as a person, she's nice, polite, quaint but, in many ways she's everything I'm not. At the end of the day she isn't Muslim. She doesn't hold the same beliefs, values, customs, as we do. And while it may seem that I'm jealous, I'm more disappointed than anything. Because within the Islamic community there are plenty of nice,polite, quaint, girls but, he chose her.

As Ms.Latifa so boldly states, "And this is not about her, its about the fact that you could of had any muslimah, any Zakiya, any Alliyah, but instead of you trying to keep our community intact, you want to start from scratch." I'm sick of these non-muslim chicks who don't know the struggle but, are getting all the perks, when we have been putting in all the work. How can we build our ummah if your wife is going to church? Some might say but, 'there are so many other Muslim men to choose from, why do you need him' but, in all honesty there isn't. And now we're one less.

Ms.Latifah continues, making the point that perhaps the Muslim men seek such women, because us, Muslim women, serve as a reminder, and they just don't want to be reminded. She doesn't know that verse in the Quran when you are wrong, but you know that I will find it. So, as one of those reminders, just let me remind you how much it hurts. It's not like marrying outside of color, or culture, it's religion. And it's more than acceptable as the Prophet Muhammd (saws) married a Christan women, as well as a Jewish one. And for him I can see why, he was an example that it is allowable for Muslim men to marry any woman of the monotheistic religions, conditionally speaking. If he hadn't done such, and it wasn't allowable it would provide grounds for further segregation and divisions, which is not Islam. But what about all the other Muslim men, the non-examples, the ones who insist on "starting from scratch?" What about those just like my friends brother who had every oppurtunity to create a Muslim family but, decided to leave yet another Muslim sister without a husband instead? And, I don't mean for us to sound like charity cases, or dependat upon the Muslim brothers that don't deserve us, I mean the men, not the boys. To the men let me be the one to ask why?

Boom went the rain and down fell my hopes of him not being with her.

Maybe The Jew is Right...

2009-06-05T11:58:00.006-04:00

Question: Did Steve Carrel convert to Islam on the Daily Show?

Sweet, Another Win For the Home Team!

Check out:MRyder.net

I Like it in The City When Two Worlds Collide-- Conversations W/Muslims

2009-05-23T12:00:00.000-04:00

At 3 I was able to tell you what I wanted to be, a dancer, lawyer, interior decorator, forensics specialist, house wife, counselor, and before I learned that it was impossible, a daddy. Yes, this creative mind has been ticking every since the wee fetal days and for as much has changed one thing has remained, passion. It started with a spark, which is increasing in size, determined to spread. Eventually, I won't be able to contain to the volcano of creativity and I will explode. No, no, this is not a threat. This is reality. I thought perhaps with a blog, Twitter, and other such time-wasters, my imagination would be satisfied but, alas it is not. So what's next? Why, a book of course.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm pretty much obsessed with anonymous based-initiatives. PostSecret is an ongoing community mail art project, created by Frank Warren, in which people mail their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.What alot of people do not know is that Post-Secret was a simple idea created to heal a hurtful situation.The simple concept of the project was that completely anonymous people decorate a postcard and portray a secret that they had never previously revealed.

No restrictions are made on the content of the secret; only that it must be completely truthful and must never have been spoken before. Entries range from admissions of sexual misconduct and criminal activity to confessions of secret desires, embarrassing habits, hopes and dreams.

Since Frank Warren created the website on January 1, 2005, PostSecret has collected and displayed upwards of 2,500 original pieces of art from people across the United States and around the world. I want to be Frank Warren. No, no, this doesn't mean I still think I can be a daddy. But, this does mean that I want to help people, help themselves, through themselves. A single confession on PostSecret caused a girl 'Cassie', to realize she is not alone in her pain. This single post card helped to prevent her suicide.

Now, I'm no Jesus, and don't think myself a savior. In fact, I don't expect for my 'project' to be as significant as Post-Secret but, I do hope to lessen the load of American Muslims. As an American-Muslim I know the struggle to maintain a healthy Islamic foundation while still balancing the expectations of a western society and culture. My hope, my dream, is to inspire Muslims locally, globally, and universally, to be proud of who and what they are not who and what they are expected to be. Be a skater boy if you must, just don't forget to pray. The idea is to experience, not exploit, the Muslim-American culture from a Muslim perspective. Some of the material will be funny. Some of it will not. Some of the material will be offensive. Some of the material will be inspirational. But, all of the material will be real. Eventually, I hope to publish these Muslim Experiences in a Journal. But, for now they are simply Conversations W/Muslims.

[If you have a conversation,experience,or story to tell, let it be heard! Email Perplxintexan@gmail.com]

Too Legit, Too Legit to Quit...

2009-05-19T12:33:00.004-04:00

It's been exactly 2 weeks since I've posted. And for those smart a$$es of you out there scrolling down, ready to comment, and point out my miscalculation know that you are wrong. I posted that steroids post only about 3 weeks ago, when I was actually on steroids/sick. And for those of you ready to argue and be all "well I beg to differ!", know that you are still wrong. You can edit/manipulate the dates on your post. So you see I might actually be posting from the future..oooo--000OO--hhhh.

Ha, I actually just made that sound outloud. I wonder why people use sounds instead of words. I understand using sounds during times when words won't properly escape, like during times of intense pleasure or even pain. But, have you ever had a conversation with people who just make noises and expect you to understand? Example:

Me: Hey! How are you
Her: eh
Me: Oh really?
Her: neh
Me: Well, then I'm just gonna go...
Her: huffs, smiles.

It's very frustrating and often disturbing. When I find myself in such situations I usually just slowly back away and instead talk to myself, in my head of course. The worse though is when I laugh. I have a nervous laughter and so am constantly giggling/snickering at the most absolute of inappropriate times. Think Church, the bank, fires, funerals. If it it's a disaster or about to become one I'm probably laughing and shouldn't be present. The sad part is the more you try and contain these laughs the louder they get. In fact they explode, and then you can never go back to that grocery store again because you almost peed yourself during the robbery they had 3 days ago....not that I know, or have experience or anything.

But, none of that is what this post was supposed to be about. The post was to simply tell you , I'm alive! I've recovered from that terrible slump I was headed down and have found solace in knowing I'm alive. It's not some cute or terribly traumatic-blog worthy epiphany. I just woke up this morning and learned that the kid I babysat last night peed all over me. In fact, she soiled my new sheets, my new pajamas, and even got a little on my cell phone she disobediently slept
with in her hand. Urine phones, yum! We showered, got dressed, and headed out to shop for the day, shoes.

I complained about not having new shoes, until we saw a man who had no feet.

And then it all changed, why complain about the things going wrong in my life when there is so much going right in my life? So for those of you who wanted a quick update know that I'm ~~fine~~ AMAZING! I just got two summer jobs I wasn't actually looking for. I get paid about 15$ to watch kids I already watched for free. I'm nannying, going to school , and have finally moved from my condo-- nestled in that sweet college town. [No worries, I got a nicer one]

Wordless Wednesday, Friday Fragments, Conversations w/ Muslims, Useless word w/ my mother, AND Confessions of the Month are back!

You get 5 for the price of none. Well aren't you all lucky. Think, finding 25$ feel good, or eating 3 slices of strawberry cheese cake with 0 calories good. Yeah, it's that good.

And This is Your Brain On Steroids

2009-05-09T09:00:00.001-04:00

The drugs are in full effect. I wrote a children's book, planted some flowers, and even showered. Steroids own! This is what my brain feels like

And this is your brain on crack

White Trash Story Time & Swine Flu Vaccinations

2009-05-04T21:10:00.000-04:00

Friday is officially the last day of classes for the semester. As ecstatic as I am about the semester ending I'm even more excited that my pre-student teaching is finally OVA , yes ova, not over. I love teaching but, this school is getting to be a bit much. Trying to be the cool teacher is proving to be harder than I thought. I figured I'm already down at least 30 points for being Muslim, Hispanic, and intelligent. I earned about 12 points for miscellaneous activities and having a 'sweet rack' but, that means the year is drawing to an end & I am in the hole for about 18 points. So what does any good teacher do to get on the good side of her students? PIZZA PARTY! But, I'm poor so, bump that we had a GINGER BREAD PARTY!Hey, if you scream it and throw in the words 'free' and 'yay' it seems so much better. I'm also not poor but, after being told I'm prettier with my mouth closed I decided that my students don't need that much lovin'.

I passed out gingerbread cookies and layed out frosting w/tons of toppings for each of the kids to decorate. I decided after watching The Incredibles and hearing one of my students call the daughter 'bangable' that any sort of movie was out of the question. Who gets turned on by cartoons? They decorated cookies as I read "The GingerBread Man" and all was going well until jake interrupted to say "They can't catch my uncle either."...uhh.

[Insert awkward silence and nervous laughter here]

Long story short (no pun intended)-- turns out Jakes uncle is on the run. But, not from the cops...from his wife. Also, he's apparently currently under Jakes bed--because that's the only place his aunt won't look. I tried not to ask too many questions after he explained "Oh he's had to hide before! ALOT of people want him." Then Susan chimes in telling the class how she knows where Jake's uncle is because her mother told her so. I considered asking how Susan's mother would know Jake's uncles' hiding spots-- when his own wife didn't even know where he was-- until it occurred that perhaps this is why they were hiding (because she was hiding with him).

Then, I ordered pizza. How could you not order pizza after learning that one of your students is related to such a moron?! I passed out the pizza trying to contain the laughter when I hear Jake advising, "Hiding isn't easy ya know. My dad does it but, that's cause he's a professional." I accidentally thought outloud stating, "Oh really?" Of course my 'supervisor' overheard this entire ordeal, damn.I thought I was sure to be fired. But, you can't really get fired from an un-paid job and apparently she had something to add to the conversation.

Boss:"Sometimes I hide too! Never know what might get ya"
Bailey:"Like swine flu!"
Jake:" Or ugly"

Umm, I don't think you can catch ugly but, apparently you can prevent Swine Flu by hiding under a bed. Ya hear that CDC, no need for antibiotics, just bunk beds. Ah, another day of clarity granted by 4th grade students and a 40-something yr old supervisor.

The Lord Giveth & The Lord Taketh Away, Breasts Are Optional

2009-04-27T13:30:00.004-04:00

Since the Bronchitis post I've come to realize how very often we take things like urinating and breathing without opening our mouths for granted. Friday night I burst into tears then, I stopped breathing. Yes, actually stopped breathing. No worries it's not nearly as exciting or traumatic as it sounds. Or perhaps this is because I passed out and don't remember.

My mother picked me up from my condo drove two hours home where she ushered me inside her house all too eager to cram random drugs down my throat. Let us recall that my throat was closing up, placing something--anything-- down my tube would only cause me to pass out....again. But, alas this is my mother and drugs, ducktape, and lemon juice could heal the world. Luckily however she stopped at the drugs. I was rushed to Urgent Care where I was more properly diagnosed. You readers are unaware that despite my diagnosis I didn't get it from a Doctor. No, no, no going to the Doctor when you feel ill would have been all too realistic, I WebMD --cause I'm a baller. But, I'm also a baller with 4 infections. *sad face* Yes, 4-- throat, lung, double ear, and sinus. The good news though is that I was right! I do have bronchitis...just in addition to the other 4 infections I didn't anticipate or the 101 fever. But other than that stuff I was right. The doctor gave me 5 prescription meds which means I'm about as doped up as Whitney.

As a result I lay around on the couch and think of various things Blogworthy. Here are a list of things I think about:

If I had to choose between using the effort I have to blog or pee which would I do?
If a man is a jerk and he's afraid of commitment is he jerk chicken?
What ever happened to Dustin Diamond?
I think the answer to number 1 is obvious
Who thought of the order that numbers go in? I mean doesn't six sound smaller than five. Listen to it...Fi--IVE-uh
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
Do they bury people with their braces on?
If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states.
McDonalds should start selling babies. It would lower the fertility rates, increase adoptions, and answer the age old question "where DO babies come from?"
Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

In closing I leave you with this, my doctor prescribed steroids because apparently they heal the world. Then he added "so your throat won't be the only thing swelling and tender to touch." But, I feel like doctors shouldn't have to prescribe cup sizes, just drugs. I've Also been thinking about the Swine Flu an awful lot. Could I have the Swine Flu--my symptoms match perfectly. But, I've never had swine except once at Chuckie E Cheese's when I was 6. How was I supposed to know that pork wasn't exclusive to Pepperoni? The Muslim with Swine Flu--you heard it first!

Friday Fragments//Jumu'ah Jottings # 7-- & Now I'm Stuck Swimming In Your Thoughts, or Perhaps Drowning in My Own

2009-04-23T22:11:00.021-04:00

The good news is I don't have strep, the bad news is it's Bronchitis. Which actually sucks way more than strep because it impacts my actually breathing and last for twice the amount of time as strep. The good news, again, however is that because I can barely breathe I don't do alot of eating which resulted in a 8lb weight loss over the past week. Remember the whole rant on how Lent was resulting in my weight gain, will now I have the results I was searching for. But, are they in the method I hoped, most certainly not. So this week's lesson is about being careful about what you wish for. How often it is we sigh saying "I wish that was me" or "I wish things were different" But, do we really? Dreams however are golden, they aren't like wishes. They are subconscious guides, the thing is they talk but, how often are we listening?Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only wishes.

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #7

I attended my alma-matters (high school) fundraiser dinner last weekend--that's probably how I got broncho. Anyways, my semi-cousins were there.

The youngest one had a birthday, and I spent all day searching for the 'perfect gift'.I finally bought the toy the two year old always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag.

GRrr!

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How does everyone like the new layout? A banner would help huh? Perhaps, once the laziness subsides. Any suggestions other than a banner?
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Over Heard Moments in Ptexan's Life:

Fat preppy girl: Oh my god! Is that a rhinoceros? I didn't know they still existed!
Friend: Yeah, that's one right there.
Preppy girl: But I thought dinosaurs were extinct?

Female customer: Do you guys have the Wizard of Oz?
Salesperson: Uh, I think that would be in "foreign."-- Yes because Oz also existed.

Extremely loud PTA 'Parent': Okay, let me check on that for you. That is "c" as in "Sam"?--yeaaaah.
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I finally get to use an fml on behalf of my sister. Today, we went shopping at Macy's for swimsuits with my mom. She told my mom that she hated all the suits there, and that she wanted to get them at Dick's Sporting Goods instead. My mother then said, in a loud voice, "STOP BEING SO OBSESSED WITH DICKS!" Half the store stared at her.

FHERLIFE

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Did You Know?!

Did you know that on July 8th 2009 at 5 minutes and 6 seconds after 4am it will be 040506070809 and that this will NEVER happen again for 100 years?
A shrimp's heart is in its head.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

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My brother called me today to ask, "If you came with instructions, what would they say?" I considered:Caution contents may be hot but, then I decided on warning objects are closer than they appear. Take that as you please.
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Word of the Week

'Opposite Marriage'

The P.C. way to specify the legal union of a man and a woman, as made popular by Miss California at the 2009 Miss USA pageant.

MISS CALIFORNIA: "We live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage"

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My father wants me to visit him this summer. I would except he agitates me. I love him dearly, I just don't exactly like him.

I will further consult myself and possibly blog about it later.
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Many of you must be accustomed to a dishwasher but a better part of the world still hand washes the dishes. They either towel dries them or puts them up in racks for air drying. No doubt air-drying is a better method and to max this is the Trio Dish Drier. What’s special about this one, is that it’s got these cute little containers at the bottom of the rack that houses herbs. Essentially, the residual water from the washed dishes trickles down to the plants to water them. Nice!

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Not gonna lie I was semi-depressed that no one commented on my last post. So I stopped posting as a punishment to you non-commenters. Of course it was about this time that I realized the post had been saved as a draft for two days and then I had accidentally disabled comments. :|

Forgive me readers? I'll give you candy :)
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(Forgot to post this Easter pic)

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Ron Paul delivers babies without his hands. He simply reads them the
Bill of Rights and they crawl out in anticipation of freedom.
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I fail at being an elementary school teacher.

A 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it.

(whoops, my bad)

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Useless information I learn as a Marriage and Family Relationship therapist

(coming soon, i.e. post sleep.)

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Wordless Wednesday # 23 - Life Without Love Is A Shadow Of The Way Things Could Be

2009-04-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

I , I won't worry my life away.

Waffles,Egg Hunts, & Wet Dreams: The Ultimate FMyLife Tale

2009-04-13T12:41:00.020-04:00

Confession of The Month:

Time to rack up some points in the Russian Roulette game I call Get into heaven/avoid hell., which of course requires being nice to people, picking up trash, easting my veggies and the like.The only problem is that I fail at games, my attention span is never long enough for Monopoly and every time I have won it's because I've cheated. So in the game of life does this mean I fail or does this mean that the only way to survive is to cheat? I tried exhibiting some good karma this weekend but, all I learned is that life seems alot easier as a Christian.
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The good news is that I had a safe and fairly uneventful trip home this weekend. The bad news is that I came home to siblings that aren't even my own. Remember the Griffin's Egg-citing Egg-travaganza? In case you are blessed enough to have forgotten or can't tell by the title, their family is a bit too "egg-cited" about the notion of Easter. There youngest daughter is a parrot, mimicking every phrase of Easter agitation ever created. This Spring she graced us with her renditions of "Peter Cotton Tail". I too thought Peter was cute hopping down the --whatever it is that he hops down but, after singing the song 150+ times Morgan forgot the words. Most people who forget the words either hum or lowly mumble through the forgotten part but, not Morgan. Morgan blares out different variations, all with the same tune but, with very apparently wrong lyrics. Or perhaps the song really does go "Here comes mummy bunny fail, jumping down the egg trail, hippity hop and Christmas's on it's way!"

--Now play that back about 30 more times, with the sound of an 8yr old. Cute? I think not. Besides Peter looks like a pedophile to me. Then there was the Griffin's middle child, Danny. Ever notice how bad children have names that have a bite to them? Luckily for me, God answered my prayers and Danny had chicken poxes! I know think of my luck. Then think about how contagious chicken poxes are. *sigh* Because her other children haven't been exposed to chicken pox and the annual Spring Easter Olympiad just "had to occur" guess who's mother offered her daughter, the 'elementary teacher', to be of services as the Griffin's Weekend long "Nanny." I wouldn't have minded watching the Griffin's and the Cutter's children for about 12 hours but I wouldn't be surprised if one of them ends up prego in the next say 1-3 months.

Saturday I took the children put-putting and then out for ice-cream before I delivered them home. That was my personal way of 'repaying' my delightful neighbors for the 'gems' of children. But, when I took Morgan next door I noticed the fire engine red Mustang convertible in the driveway. Geoff. Geoff is the Griffins' eldest son. He's 24 and apparently going to become "something" in life. Really? Because in my experiences if your name is Jeff but spelled 'Geoff', like the freagin Toy's R' Us giraffe, the only thing you're going to become is a failure. Geoff is however a fortunate looking young man with an unfortunate case of DBMW (douche-bag-man-whore). Why pretell didn't he watch his siblings during his religious holiday? Because the neighborhood is conspiring against me.

At 16 we moved in next to the Griffin's but Geoff didn't realize this until the summer after I hit puberty. Now he thinks me "exotic" and "feisty." Feisty, is what he calls all females that loathe his very presence. Ah, yes nothing like a visit home to suburbia to remind you that you're still unwed and a little more than useless.
But Sunday I volunteered to take the kids to Mass. Why? Simple :

Escape meaningless conversation with Geoff, he avoids the Church like it's the black plague
I got paid.--I later found out the parents gave the children the $ to give to me. (2 lost it and one donated to Geoff)
It's Easter and I was feeling generous.

Not being Catholic however, I was unaware the parking headache that is Easter Sunday in the Catholic church. Some might aliken it to the Muslim equivalent to Eid-al-Fitr. Bascially, everyone you haven't seen for the past 6-8 months or the last major holiday--whichever comes first--is there. Wasted? Unshowered? Not Catholic? No problem! Because that Church was at least 150 people OVER fire-hazard capacity which also meant no seats. So there I stood Hijab, plaid summer dress, and Chanel shades at a service not my own, in a place of worship not my own, celebrating a religious holiday not my own, with about 5 kid who were not my own when suddenly I got a whiff of an odor not my own.

The child in the seat in front of us had fallen asleep and urinated. Then this conversation ensued.

Child #1:"Oh Ms.A eeewww. He's wet!"
Child#2: "He's having a wet dream."
Child #3:"No no no. That's not how wet dreams happen. They come from your ears."

Of course all of this happened in Church, during silent prayer and needless to say we weren't too quite. Before the giggles got any squeaker, whispers got any louder, and glances got any more obvious I decided it was time for us to go. We arrived home and the main reason why I had volunteered (to escape the community-wide egg hunt) was STILL going on. Apparently Jake's Nanny, who was left behind(it was her day off) misunderstood Geoff when he said "oh yes, that Griffin's single." In case you missed it Geoff speaks in third person as most morons do. The Nanny however mistook Geoff's ignorance to mean his father was single. The nanny began hunting alot more than eggs, if you know what I mean and a huge fight ensued. But this is the 'burbs and so no crack or weapons were involved. But, Rx meds and pacifiers were flying left and right...or at least left.

Annoyed by the days activity and feeling the need to shower I avoided the front door, opting at an attempted break in to my own house instead. But, suddenly a heavy sense of guilt and moral obligation overcame me. This isn't what Easter's about. Whatever happened to setting a good example or learning self-control and patience? So, I backed away from the sun room window, doing the right thing and round up the kiddies to finish the "Where my peeps at?" section of the Easter Olympiad. The fact that as I jimmed the lock into the kitchen I heard the words "50$" and "Best-Buy gift card" may or may not have influenced this sudden epiphany.

As Geoff would say, "In the end it's not how many eggs you collected on Easter but "how many eggs you fertilized."

Friday Fragments// Jum'uah Jottings #6 - She's Always Buzzing Like Neon, Who Knows How Long She Can Go Before She Burns Out?

2009-04-09T16:48:00.025-04:00

Doubt. Doubt's a word I've struggled with for a long time. "Raised" by two attorneys I quickly learned that in order to believe with certainty, one must begin with doubting. My problem however isn't doubting, my problem it forgetting not to blame. First I doubt my ability and then I blame myself for incapacity's. A man is not honest simply because he hasn't had the opportunity to steal, so am I really a better person today than I was yesterday simply because, it's no longer yesterday?

No. I want to change and am eager to grow but, I must keep in mind the power of limitations and boundaries. Change requires both now and then. Everything has it's maximum and much like my step-monsters credit limit, I'm about to max out. So before I hit that mark let us adapt my mothers wisdom "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." I know my limits, what are yours?

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #5

Today, I was walking out of a Starbucks and saw someone walking out behind me, thinking it would be the nice thing to do I held the door open. I was holding the door for about 30 seconds before realizing I was holding the door for my own shadow.

- FMyLife

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Anyone else heard of the Walk of Shame kit? First, let me explain that here (at the #6 party school) the walk of sham e or walk a female takes after a one-night stand is quite popular. In fact, best friends and future in-laws are made it's so common, which is also quite sad. Anyways, some genius/creeper designed an entire kit to aid when the walk away from his place. When asked why he did it he said, "I'm just tired of chicks waking up and taking my shirts cause they lost theirs." --Now that ladies and gents is a true blue citizen. Get him an award!

Included:Dress - Flip flops - Backpack - Sunglasses - Pre-Pasted toothbrush-Wipes - Call/Don’t Call leave behind note card - Awareness bracelet
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Over Heard Moments in Ptexan's Life:

Girl on cell: Do you think it’s suspicious that I just bought five bottles of cranberry juice? People drink cranberry juice without vodka all the time…right?-- uh yeah in AA they do

Male coworker: My lips are still recovering from Vegas. --Glad I skipped Cabo

Guy #1: I know how to get your kid back, easy! I'll just put a bag of crack in your mom's car and call the cops and say "there is this old lady with a bag of crack and a baby in her car!" (laughs)
Girl: That would be so cool.

(Do we really wanna waste a bag of crack though?)

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This week in Science class I was teaching the Rugrats about conscious Vs. unconsciousness decisions the body makes.

I told them that your brain can have a conscious override over breathing. However, it is hard to stop breathing intentionally. Then a student in the back yelled "Oh, ya! That's why it's so hard to drown people!"

uh, what the ...what!?
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Lent's almost over and I finally get to eat Oreos. But, will I want them?

More than anything I just don't want to get invited to the Griffin's for the Egg-citing Egg-travaganza. The Griffins are our prude neighbors that are always elaborating on how I need to get married, and be a house~~whore~~..err wife.

Do you know people who think they're above everyone else and have awful children?! I want to encage her middle son. I swear she must have dropped him as a baby. Any suggestions?

[Actual photo]

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The class took a field trip to the zoo this week. Question: Why did a parent offer to chaperon and drive with a license and vehicle that weren't his? Also, since when did the zoo become such a scandalous trip?

The sad part is I'm not even the one who realized what it resembles.He was 9.

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Word of the Week

FriendTM
function- Noun/Verb

When a friend low on cash (the paper kind) pays the group's bill on their debit card in order to get the cash from their friends--therefore avoiding both the ATM surcharge and the inconvenience of finding one.

Hey guys, can I FriendTM this? I don't have any cash.

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Remember when the 'ex-bestie' was discussing the value of v-day and relationships? Yeah, I found a gift he gave me almost 2 years ago for valentines day. I never opened it. I was too afraid I would love it. My mom says it's not the gift I'm afraid of loving. The gift and my heart remain unopened.

P.S. I think we should give 'him' a nickname. Any suggestions?
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For those of you who are fan's of my eldest brothers' increasing ignorance. Get aload of his AIM status. "K***** is Barack in '08. Broke in'09."
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The ex-fiance used to call me Bay. I hate pet names that make no sense. I tried explaining that a bay was a portion of water. He replied "Don't worry you're filled with liquid too"-- Word to the wise, if your potential partner gives you a crappy nickname/pet name it's not meant to be.

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Anyone else know about the wonders of K-Pop (Korean pop)? I didn't. I'm not hip with the kiddies these days. Apparently, behaving as though you from a culture that isn't yours/dancing/ singing in a different cultures' language is the new thing.

I had to let lil Susy know, I'm well aware of what a Cha Cha is--considering I'm HISPANIC- same for belly dancing. Then, I had to explain to Jane, in 6th grade, that she has NO clue what Super Junior is singing in their Korean song--except for the part where she was singing in English (lol).

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Useless information I learn as a Marriage and Family Relationship therapist

1.)In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

2.)85% of men who die of heart attacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.

3.)Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.
-- uh Mrs.Cullens ;)

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Random Text of The Week//Where Do I Find these People?

"Hey PT-- if you stop by El Bistro can you grab my purse, I forgot it."

-- turns out my genuis of a friend was pissed at the waiter and so dined-and-dashed. Then she forgot her purse, with her wallet, and photo I.D.

:|

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Welp, I'm off to class, work, and home for Easter. Yes-- these will most assuredly result in lots of blogging tales. Best to everyone and have a productive/safe and blessed weekend!

In Case You're On Steroids....

2009-04-07T18:50:00.005-04:00

So apparently steroids is the new way to get out of a ticket. My blog is OBVIOUSLY under construction and not just because of the title. So please don't feel the need to contact me (tweets included) to let me know the layout is "hard to read" or "sckwey". Also just refrain from emailing me if the words SPELL CHECK mean nothing to you.

I'll be back tomorrow with an update/post (and hopefully decent layout)

UPDATE: People are stupid and are now emailing about where my blog went. To say it's under construction doesn't mean don't come here or I'm demolishing it! Arg. Of course only you people who are actually here have discovered it's not gone...and I'm still typing.

P. And the ladies at Symphonic are following me on Twitter.
They saw my face *gasp* *laugh* *blush**flees....*

P.S. Anyone else hear about how Chris Brown blamed his ~~ignorance~~...err abusive behavior on steroids? CHRIS BROWN+ STEROIDS+ RIHANNA

P.P.S. Why does everyone have 3+ blogs all of a sudden? Do we really need a blog for every day of the week/month?! (not an individual attack on AMW)

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings Post # 5- I'm Not a Princess, This Ain't a Fairytale

2009-04-02T22:40:00.007-04:00

Despite popular myth much of reality is false. And when an angry client graced me with his cold shoulder because I wouldn't 'massage his pain' I realized I was wrong.

Now I'm not saying I should've stretched him as his actual personal trainer would have but, I could have mentally soothed his pain. Too often in my life I bandage mistakes and ignore bruised egos pulsing forward till the end. But, it was in that moment that I realized I wasn't living at all, I was functioning, coping, surviving. But, for what? Shit, you've only got one life to live...unless you're a kitty. And, I'm no pussy, and this is no fairytale. It's Friday and I'm alive, finally.

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #5

Whenever my sister (16) calls customer service reps about random complaints she usually gets her way. Then of course they turn on her and start trying to sucker her into 'NEW and IMPROVED' offers. It's beyond amusing because instead of just hanging up like normal people she begins screaming "I believe in Jesus! I believe in Jesus! (pause) Sir, my other line is ringing and it might be God. I have to go."

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Did anyone else hear about Johnny Depp converting to Islam? I say it's true and not just because I'm the one to marry him. Personally I’ve always thought that Johnny Depp and Hamza Yusuf had an uncanny resemblance. Fine, don't believe me.

Read the full story here.
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Over Heard Moments in Ptexan's Life:

Hipster teen:Are you pissing on that building?
Rich teen with faux fur coat:Welcome to the recession, buddy!

Hobo with cup of change in hand: You have any change?
College kid: Sorry, I don't have any money.
Hobo: Get a fucking job, you bum.
College kid: Fuck you! You first!
Hobo: I'm working right now, asshole.

Hot Physics Lab Instructor: "There's a little bit of failure in everyone."-- some people deserved to be hurt.
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Did You Know?!

The only place in the universe where a flag flies all day, never goes up or comes down, never flies half-mast and does not get saluted, is the moon.
Halle Berry’s stunt double, in the movie “Catwoman”, is a man.
The mother of the boy Michael Jackson is accused of abusing is named 'Janet Jackson'.

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Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to fuck myself as well.

-FMyLife

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Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking becoming a marriage and family relationships therapist. One should never begin there mornings at 10am overhearing:

Grey-haired grandma to another: "Of course, it was worse for him because she left to become a lesbian. (pause) And you can't help thinking of all that licking."

woah...at least I can't.

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Word of the Week

VOCD-"Volume Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder"
Function: Noun

A psycho-neurotic disorder in which the television viewer is beset with obsessions or compulsions or both to adjust the volume on the television to a "perfect" number, such as 15, 20, 25, etc. and suffers extreme anxiety or depression through failure to adjust the volume or witnessing an "imperfect" number (9, 16, 31).

Joe has VOCD bad it's worse than Christina Bales anger issues.

(thanks to my bff Zahra for having such strong OCD)
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The almost not-so-boss-boss asked me out to lunch on Saturday. It's not a date type of asking out though. I told him I couldn't because I didn't speak the language of cheesy pick up lines.

Then he said "So uhh..because I'm trying to make a deposit you just lost interest?"

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I absolutely loath tea and anyone who knows me knows I avidly collect satchels from all over the world. Like coffee, a good cup of tea is all in the brewing and steeping. Steep it too long and it tastes bitter; too short and you’re drinking muddy hot water. TeaCubes make it easy by placing the tea bag on a timed retractable spool. Hands free and a good cup of tea. What more could a tea lover ask for!

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One of the kids in my 4th grade had a birthday this week. I don't exactly conduce in class partys
but, her family's not so well off and she deserves something. So we had cupcakes and sparkling fruit juice. One of the boys slammed down the plastic cup exclaiming, "hey they bought the cheap stuff!" No kid we didn't, you're just used to the real stuff.

(for those of you who didn't understand he's been getting a bit tipsy before recess)
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(click image for larger view)

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Ron Paul has no alarm clock, but instead wakes every morning to the call of freedom.

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Remember the in class party? (above)

Yeah, we handed out cards. When James gave his card to Kylie he said, "I bought this card in the ghetto supermarket , that's why it smells like dead chicken."

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Does anyone ever stop to wonder why it's taking them so long to do a task? Sometimes it takes me about 20 mins just to put shoes on, no lie. Perhaps Youtube is decreasing my intelligence.

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Useless information I learn as a Marriage and Family Relationship therapist

1.)A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex - That explains almost every Muslim I've ever met.

2.)Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10x more effective than Valium.

3.The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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D- Bag of the Week

my doctor

For those say 2 of you who care about my weight endeavors I bitched the doctor out about lent to which he said "Don't blame Jesus for your fat lil missy." Apparently obesity is one sin He won't take credit for :|

Apparently my cortisol(a stress hormone) levels are so high they could build a staircase to the moon. Doctor says even if I tried starving myself or working out for hours upon hours the fat won't budge. The ONLY way to loose the 24+ lbs is by de-stressing. Yeah, hearing that stressed me out.

Thank God She's More Sexy Than She Is Patient....

2009-03-29T13:15:00.015-04:00

I've been awarded the Sexy award. Say it with me, 'sex-ah' -- make sure you breathe deep and slur the s. My father once told me he was going to legally change his name to "Day Um Sssex Eh, the third" Yes, he proceeded to sound it out phonetically as well. Apparently my family's ridiculous behavior has melded me into a sexy blogger! What exactly is a sexy blogger? Let's Google it:"What is a Sexy Blogger + Perplxintexan?"

Haha, it's me. I can't believe that like 6 of you just clicked that link. Anyways upon receipt of the award you must name 5 things which make YOU sexy.

1.I Could Pass As Jail Bait & Can Finger Paint with the Best of 'em

I'm sure all you pessimist out there are thinking who cares if you could pass for 16 but, trust me it has it's perks. Actually it only has about 3 perks one of which includes getting an extra toy in my Happy Meals and another including these God-forsaken braces! The other plus is that since I work in an elementary school and under the age of 25 I hear playground gossip suggest I'm 'hot teacher'. That's right in a pair of Adidas kicks and without bust exploding from a strategically placed shirt I was called the hot teacher.

2. I'm literate, without pictures.
Again, I bet you're all like I can read too! But, can you? I bet, you can in which case you too are sexy. Where I live however having the ability to read is not only a plus but, sought after. The parents I nanny for praised my ability to actually interpret and not just read. They didn't know it but, it changed me. Sure, I knew I could read books but, now I can read smiles, tears, marriages, and everything in between. I don't just pages, I read lives.

3. I'm Latin and Legal

For whatever reason once people meet my younger brother and realize I'm not lieing and actually am Hispanic I'm way cooler. I'm just saying if I could be mixed with any other nationality why would I pick Mexican? (No offense of course) My spanish is pretty rusty but, I def. inherited the Hispanic flava....not just the rear end the dance moves too. Yeah, I'm a pretty premium dancer. (aA, don't want evil eye)

4. I Haven't Slept With Your Husband/Dad/Brother.....or mom
Perhaps this is only a turn-on to me. But, when we receive clients in the office that think marriages are about absolute honesty, I die inside. Marriages are about the present NOT the past that lead you to the present. Your husband doesn't actually want to see that list of 150+ kids you've slept with, especially since his twin brother is probably on it too. Even the best fall down sometimes and I recognize that. But, I try to make a first impression worthy of repeating and avoid advertising those sins I have created. To some I might be considered 'less experienced' but to have me as the experience is worth it. And during every first we share together he'll know only he has me; how is that not sexy?

5.I'm from Texas Ya'll
So this may come as no surprise to many but, growing up in the gated neighborhoods and cultured streets of Dallas made me the southern belle I am today. I love football and being the perfect southern hostess. I'm all about the Martha Stewart effect and pleasing others delights my soul. When I get really excited my southern twang really exposes itself and my accent gets lots of gasp and blushed cheeks from the boys around here. Being from Texas grants a certain confidence I wouldn't elsewise have. And whats' sexier than being confident in the person you are now?! I'm not only glad but, blessed to not be a size 2. I have an actual figure and so the way I figure if he wants a pile of bones he can head to the local cemetery. I'm actually alive, no Bella Swan, and proudly from Texas.

So doing that just made me feel extra sexy. Good thing I'm not in the teachers lounge ;)
I award the following Sexy Bloggers:

1. Lisa
2. I'm Not Benny
3. The Passionate Bookworm
4. Love Crackhead

Friday Fragments//Jumu'ah Jottings #4- None But Ourselves Can Free Our Minds

2009-03-26T23:14:00.013-04:00

The week has trickled off to an ending and instead of feeling my usual ecstatic self all I know is that I need more than this. Somewhere between procrastinating, crying, and episodes of House I realized I've got to be more than the change I see in the world. I've got to be the world.

So perhaps, I won't be the entire world but, I've got to be a piece larger than I am now. So double the fragments, and double the possibilities!

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #4

My brother is becoming increasingly ignorant. I think Rice was a complete waste of money. I asked him why he has yet to marry to which he answered "Oh her shipping and handling price was too high." :|

I instructed him that this was ridiculous females do NOT have shipping and handling cost. He said, "No? Because this broad said I'd have to move her here, and deal with her." He said he'd ship her but, refused to handle her.
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The Nuns from Saint Marys came to visit the class this week. I'm not sure what happened to separation of church and state but, there they were in a public school. They gave the children 'holy water.' Billy asked if the whole school was holy. Apparently the sisters were running low on supplies as we caught them filling the small bottles in the school fountain.

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Over Heard Moments @ the Elementary School:

Student # 1: So...how do blind people wipe their ass?
Student # 2: The same way everyone else does. Oh...oh my god, that's gross, Wendy. Most people don't look at it.

Hot Male Parent # 1: Have you read or seen He's Not That Into You?
Random girl, to uninterested guy: No.
Hot Male Parent # 1: Well, I highly recommend you read it!

My sister to my brother: "You shut up! I'm genetically superior" -- who says that!? lol
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Did You Know?!

Real diamonds can be made from peanut butter.
It is illegal to purchase or consume Jack Daniel's Whiskey in the town in which it is produced!
Cows don't have upper teeth.

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I went to see one of my best friends Zahra over S.break. We thought it would be funny if we could both fit into my old 'obese' sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably.

We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants.

-FML

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Over S.Break I went to get my nails done. I got a pedicure because not only did I want it but, I needed it. The lil Asian man doing my nails keep exclaiming how I needed to get them done more often....I beg to differ. Nails are not a medical condition. Anyways I told him that my feet were in such a bad condition because I'm a dancer. He said, "You either come mo often or you no dancing." I told him to stop dancing wasn't an option. I think he thought if I don't dance I won't have money, which means I can't get my nails done. This is also code for him basically thinking I was stripper :|
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I bought this snazzy bracelet inspired by Twilight on Etsy.

Jealous?

[ left click and select view picture for enlargement]

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Word of the week

Recessionista - A person who is able to stick to a tight budget while still managing to dress stylishly.

see also: Octomom
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This week was about sharing, sharing with the world whatever you have to offer. Two students shared similar stories of death. I didn't know at the time they were the murders. One girl hugged her cat to death while the other placed her bunny in the family dryer. I felt bad but, laughed. It wasn't a quite laugh either.

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There’s this whole movement about bringing back nature into the concrete jungles we’ve built in the past 100 years but this is probably the most direct yet indirect way of doing it. Those painted line dividers we see everywhere serve a huge purpose but in an attempt to humanize and naturalize them, designer Ji-Hye Koo covers them with Nature On A Tape - essentially a pre-potted strip of grass that’ll grow with no effort.

It’s sculptural and 3-dimensional but who’s gonna trim it tho?
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I love when my grandma speaks to me in Spanish except when it's angry spanish. That usually ends crazy. Abuela quote of the week "In a calm sea, every man is a pilot."
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I saw this little girl outside of the post office with her mom. She was in tears. Apparently she had discovered her first love and of course he disappointed.Her mothers snapped at her "Jessie, stop pouting! Boys never actually love girls. The heart of love is fear."

I scribbled she's wrong one a post-it note and tapped it on the window. I wonder if she believed me.
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Ron Paul doesn't go the gym. He stays fit by exercising his civil rights.
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This week in 4th grade we read Harriet the Spy. The children wouldn't stop calling her Whore-iette.

I don't like how the girl in the book behaves.
So I let them keep doing it.

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I gave up Oreos and Pizza for Lent, I gained 14lbs.

F my life.

I'm not even Christian

and I'm still hungry...

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Instead of having the D-bag of the week I'm introducing

Useless information I learn as a Marriage and Family Relationship therapist

1.)In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than buy a condom!

2.)There are men in Guam whose job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the 1st time.

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Signing off , wishing each of you a lovely and blessed weekend.

Pissed Off Post #23...."Stop Celebrating Your Ignorance

2009-03-26T09:17:00.011-04:00

"Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change." -Malcom X

Last night was one of the worst nights I've ever had. In fact, I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. And when I stopped crying I couldn't breathe,I flushed red, and I cried. The worst part is I didn't even have a reason to cry. Or at least that's what he said.

But, I wonder do you ever need a reason to feel? Is it like I have to get a permit, pass go and collect NO 200$?Screw that! & that's when I stopped crying and started getting real. Tears do nothing but smudge mascara and give delicious salt filled pellets to my smooth lips. Tears have never saved any one and they won't save me. So this morning when I woke up , I crossed out everything I scribbled in my journal and instead wrote 'Fuck yes, I blame her,them, they and every other person that pissed me off yesterday and I allowed to do so.'

But, more than anyone I blame him, the nameless Writing Tutorial Services dude. He doesn't even get a name. All I needed was a thesis statement. I had an entire list of ideas, plot lines, and characters I wanted to include. In fact, I had a working thesis it just wasn't the thesis I needed. And you know what he said "Oh well I didn't read the book." But, I didn't freak out then no I held my composure. He didn't need to read the book to help me, the person who DID read the book but, NO! After 23 mins, this happened:

Jerk off writer dude: Well, I think you've got a good idea.
Me: Oh I understand that. I just am not verbalizing it correctly
JOWD: Well, then you need to verbalize
Me: *smiles*
JOWD: I mean, I'm not going to write your paper for you.
Me: Well, of course because it's MY paper not to mention you haven't read the novel.
JOWD: Duh, I'm not required to read every book for every student that needs help.
Me: Well I know that but...

[unnecessary stare down]
yes it really happened

Me: Fine, I guess I can just do it on my own then
JOWD: Duh, it's your paper. And since you already know everything then do it yourself, you don't need to be here.
Me: Apparently I don't. I suppose I'll just have to work through it. *smiles*
JOWD: Yeah, I'm done with you, you just seem to be celebrating your ignorant excuse of a paper.
Me: *stares back wordless*

Then I got up and left. On my way out I stopped by the front desk to ask for his supervisors contact information. Then I asked for his name. I assured him it wasn't my intent to get him fired to which his rude ass replied "Oh that wouldn't happen anyways, and I'm not allowed to give out my name". Bullballs! You're not allowed to give out your name!? But, I didn't cause a scene despite his escalating tone. I explained that it is a knee jerk reaction of mine to smile when I get tense. It started in my pre-teens around 9/11. Yeah, that's when I learned that as a Muslim you want to cause as little trouble as possible when in public. So I politely apologized as did he and I left. I walked to the parking lot alone as three tears escaped my eyes.

Then I awoke this morning to realize that my religion shouldn't not be an invitation to be disrespected. I'm Muslim and will verbalize my opinion. I cried ~~for him~~ last night. It won't happen again.

[In case you can't see the actual picture, click to enlarge, you'll see his notes..which include none]

Give Me Something To Believe In Beacuse I Don't Belive In You Anymore...

2009-03-22T20:56:00.011-04:00

Confession of The Month:

I think I've fallen. Oh yes, it was soft, sweet and so gentle I barely saw it coming. In fact, I didn't see it coming. The worst part of it all is that neither did he. Or perhaps he did and part of him wanted me to be left trapped falling in his loving gravity. And as often as I claim I fall I would be proud to fall for such a dimpled brunette. Yes, he's prefect. He'll fit in great with the family, especially considering he's already part of it.
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So there you have it I, Ms.PerplxinTexan, on March 19th of the year 2009 fell for her cousin. I know, I know 'how could you!?'. But, I instead ask how couldn't I? He's such a smart ass, and yes plays the guitar.But, before we get into all the blaming and gasping let us backtrack to the beginning. It's the night before we leave for D.C. and when I head to pick mom up from work; she dances right into the car barely whispering 'so we aren't going'. Now I'm sure at least half of you are thinking 'well damn that sucks, I mean you only rearranged you're entire life to go on a trip with your mother you didn't ever actually want to go on.' But, it doesn't suck. This is to be expected. This is what my mother does. I wouldn't be surprised if she had never actually booked any plane tickets.

In the same 'oh I kinda effed up your spring break' breathe she sighed out 'so they're coming here!' How mother is this exciting? You know I hate being seen in public with these things you produced known as my siblings and now you've gone and stepped it up by introducing cousins to the mix. What ever happened to breaks where I get to sleep all day? Can't I go back to being worthless? Of course she replied with, "Why of course not, you've got to clean the house and make tea". FYI- I'm allergic to tea. Ok, maybe I'm not but, I refuse to drink it and become all domesticated and refined.The night before the whole gang arrived for 'quality times of amusement' my mother announces (again in passing) to pack our bags we're visiting their house. Uh, WHAT!? We couldn't' go to their house, so they came to our house just for us to pack about 150 miles BACK to their house?!Fmylife.

Apparently the wretched economy doesn't impact everyone and my Uncle invested in another house. This house happens to be in a small neighborhood in Ohio which had an extensive amount of furniture missing. I asked where it went to which my aunt answered 'oh, darling you expect too much'. But, is it really expecting too much for you guys to have furniture?!

Out of the 3 bathrooms 1 is full stocked, out of the 5 bedrooms 2.5 are actually furnished, and in some parts of the house there isn't even electricity. The 6'0 ft creature of crisp golden honey skin comes down the stairs to instruct me to 'stop looking for furniture, the thieves aren't coming back'. This is my family's way of joking. Apparently they only bought this house because it has a pool. Everything else is a facade. Yes, even the people.

They made us go camping in the backyard because apparently it's cute. I left once I found out the 6 yr. old twins weren't potty-trained or wearing protection. The eldest cousin, 23, said I could stay in his room.-- mind you now this room was literally a room. He brought in a stack of Uno cards, Oreos, and John Mayer Cds. He said he couldn't swing the new Twilight DVD but, to 'have fun'. I asked him to stay awhile and 'just be.' He asked why I was forever so mysteriously enticing. I thought it weird my cousin just semi-hit on me but, let it slide for the sake of the Uno.The next 2 nights we spent basically memorizing each other.

I learned things I shouldn't have like the family's Farsi trends. My Aunt and uncle always speak in Farsi when they don't want us to know something. He's been listening in since 5, he knows everything. I told him about how I considered pricing myself on Ebay just to see how much I'd go for. He challenged me to a dance to the lamest of ignorant Miley Cyrus songs (Hoedown Throwdown), he showed me a picture that a girl sent him one time in hopes that it would catch his eye and he'd propose. She had a grill, and it was purple and lit up. I nearly died laughing.

I told him I blog, he said so does he. We sat quietly wondering if we've ever bumped into each other in cyberspace. Suddenly he grabbed my arm and said to follow him. His 'room' had a small crawl space-like attic with a piano, couch, and guitar. I knew better than to let him play so I instead offered. I played about a minute of Adele's First Love. I played until the 'I'm the only one in love' line when he nudged me aside and played Matt Nathanson's "Come on Get Higher". I stopped breathing when he sang "Just hold me down hard and drown me in love." As though he could hear everyone of my thoughts he stopped. He didn't dare look at me for I was the forbidden fruit.

Or so I thought.

Our mothers walked in like a gang of cackling hyenas. "Aren't you two cute!?" his mother gushed at me. Whatever. I crawled out of the confined space before I needed some serious CPR. His mother spoke in a Farsi-Arabic blend towards my mother. From what I understood, I got 'lucky they'll never work out'. Was this her way of saying I would make an unfit match for her son!? Well excuse the hell outta me for NOT having a neon-glow-in-the-dark grill. I spoke no more than 12 words until the next afternoon when we headed home.

That's when it happened.

He drove with me to pick up some on the road snacks from CVS. He let me rant about how selfish my mother was, how she was going to destroy me via cupcakes and hadiths. He laughed, I tried not to smile but, failed. The way home however, we resisted talking at all. Then he asked if he 'apologized would it matter?'. I had no clue what this was supposed to mean and in a sudden fit of oral diarrhea blurted out the 'lucky they'll never work out' comment and told him I don't have time for games. We would never be anything but, two people existing. Immediately ashamed I lowered my head and looked out the window. We arrived in silence, my family left for home soon after. We never said good bye.

About an hour outside of my suburban haven my mother asked what I said this time. I told her about what my aunt and the whole shabang. She laughed. She kept laughing. Then she explained that 'sometimes you don't have to say everything'. What my aunt whispered in Farsi was for my protection. It means "Lucky they aren't actually matches." In English that roughly translates to "lucky they aren't actual cousins."

Tell Your Boyfriend if He's Got Beef I'm Vegetarian...

2009-03-16T19:16:00.011-04:00

You know what sucks? Being with your parents and/or family in public. As earlier stated I'm on S.break and per request de madre I went on a family 'vacation', that has yet to end or technically begin for that matter. Confused? Well, apparently my aunt who works for American Airlines failed to actually book our flight. Which means a family of approximately 5 Muslims of assorted heights, age, and sketch activity stood in line at the airport for 2 hrs for absolutely no reason.

Airport security: "Ma'aam you do realize how terribly sketchy you and your clan appear ?"
Mother: "Oh, everyone makes mistakes."
Airport Security Member # 2: "A mistake would be forgetting to remove a belt, you however arrived 30 mins late to a non-existent flight."

Just as I was thinking about the embarrassment that is related to me I spied one of my students in a silvery ensemble that was way to seductive given her barely double digit age. She was not humming but, da*n near screaming this song through the escalator-like tunnel. And in case you missed the chorus it goes as follows:

"She wants to touch me (Woah),
She wants to love me (Woah),
She'll never leave me (Woah, woah, oh, oh),
Don't trust a ho,
Never trust a ho,
Won't trust a ho,
Won't trust me."

Now granted it is quite the catchy tune but, at what point do you just say 'screw CPS' and just beat your child?... because that would've been my breaking point. And then things got really interesting because the mother chimed in and a family across the way whispered "yeah that's what they said about your mom too."

Oh.

Moral of the story:My family is ruining me. We're leaving Tuesday. Muslims are shady by nature AND you should never trust a ho because she won't trust you.

Jumu'ah Jottings//Friday Fragments # 3- I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane, Don't Know if I'll be Back Again...

2009-03-12T22:00:00.012-04:00

This week's Friday fragments shall be extra fragmented since I'm leaving! No, no, not forever but, on a jet plane! I'm headed of to the East coast and D.C. for my Spring Break. My mother begged me to go as without me 'her life would be incomplete'. ....errr isn't that what husbands are for?! I guess I see her point though, I want to have kids so I can mess with them to. I mean you're only old once might as well screw up some youngins' life along the way right? Right.

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #3

Why is it that PMS and monthly cycles are psychic? They should call them psychic-lecs. Or PSYHIC-cles. Remember back in the day when you could say anything you want as along as it was followed by "PSYCH!" Periods always seem to appear during the one week of any given month in which I actually need to be alert/living. I know it's confusing but, for my life I don't usually need to be living just alive. Long story short, my period ended on Monday. THANK GAWD!

Some might argue that the above was TMI but, I know how much you enjoy bodily function-related rants. :)

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Last night while at work (the gym) one of my co-workers whispered the following statement to me. "Today, a creepy man on the bus said he liked my eyeballs." Apparently,it was the best compliment she'd received in months. At first I was sad for her but, then I saw her sniffing magic markers that people use to sign up for elliptical. I think she deserved that compliment.
- F My Life
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Did You Know?!

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

What are we teaching the kids? Oh right, even Barbie would have boobs. Eat up kiddies!

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Over Heard Moment of the Week:

The school I pre-student teach at keeps getting creepier and creepier. First I over heard the conversation between the mother and daughter as posted in last weekend FF/JJ. Then I over heard one of the middle-schoolers discussing this in the bathroom.

"Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick.I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there."

Wow, I understand I look younger than they expect but, have some shame. Get a new family and don't repeat that story. Ever.

The next day I brought her McDonalds. I didn't know what else to do.
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I caught two kids kissing in the hallway on Wednesday. They weren't mine. I considered letting them continue. But, then the pregnancy would be completely my fault. It was a Hispanic girl and a blue-eyed Caucasian twin. His brother is in my class so in interrupted.

Me: Sorry to break up the baby makin' kiddies but, kissing leads to cooties.
Boy: Ms. A we're in 5th grade we know there isn't such thing as cooties.
Girl:Yeah, just AIDS.

Oh well excuse the junk outta me. Do continue in your conquest to STDs. The conversation actually didn't end there but, that for next Friday iA.
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And now I'm off to pack my bags and pray for a safe landing in D.C.

Would You Rather Wednesday #23- Would You Rather Only Listen (to Others) or Never Listen at all?

2009-03-09T23:38:00.013-04:00

'Would You Rather Wednesday' is a segment started in my 4th grade classroom to anonymously answer intimidating or circumstantial questions. I beg my students to be the change they wish to see in the world, the only problem is that they're succeeding.The more I challenge their child-like morals the longer my list of shattered preconceived notions becomes. This week's question was "Would you rather only listen (to Others) or never listen at all?
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After writing the question upon the tainted chalkboard I stood back and asked for thoughts. I wasn't sure if this was just another elementary style challenge or if they really had no thoughts. I convinced myself that no person ever has no thoughts. So I looked back at them and decided to not speak either. One child raised his hand and asked "Ms.A , is that your answer?" I wondered what in the world he thought was the question. I tried ignoring him but his pale, freckled skin looked so ashamed and so I caved. "Brian, is what the answer?", I demanded--slightly annoyed. "Well, you asked would we rather listen forever or never listen at all, and well you aren't talking so I thought maybe that was your answer, always listen."

I informed him that I was waiting. Waiting does not equate listening. I told him that if I had to choose I would most assuredly choose to never listen at all. I heard one of my students grumble that I was selfish. And, despite the fact that I am selfish that is NOT why I choose this answer. I explained to my students that it is my job to help them learn. My choice is to help them be the very best people they possibly can and if through some method of never listening I was able to talk and instead have them listen then I would have done my duty. "Yeah, but is that enough?!"-- Sarah the child who I heard whisper me selfish chanted back. And then I began to think, that the way in which I've gotten to teach is through learning. I have accomplished such learning through listening. If I never listen and I never learn than who am I to possibly teach?

And there it is, I thought these kids had pulled one over on me again but, they didn't. I remembered my grandmothers soft Spanish words ring in my ear "Never argue with a fool, for he might be doing the same thing." So i opened my mouth and looked across the room, thrice. "knowledge is not a gift, it's an opportunity." I continued by explaining to my children that not all knowledge is experienced through the pursuit of knowledge, some knowledge comes from others' ignorance. I told the students that I believe that as a teacher it would be better for me to never listen and for them to possibly learn from the mistakes they instead witnessed me making. I concluded with a slight smirk and absolute satisfaction in myself. "Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes, so I will give mine to you."

I had done it. I was the teacher, I run this. And then he raised his hand.

"But what about GOD?" I closed my eyes and tried to pretend I didn't hear him but, he just kept speaking. 'NO!' I told myself this is the best answer, it fits. But, he just kept speaking, "I've been talking to God, I don't know if he's listening or not and he never speaks directly to me but, that's ok because, he's always listening." HE is the best answer.Damn, I should've known that answer. And so again, and all too often, the student had become the teacher.

Maybe I should learn to listen.

I'll Stop The World & Melt With You...

2009-03-07T17:25:00.016-05:00

The problem with community and mandatory family activities is that not only do they interpret the regularly scheduled programming that is, my life but, they also aim to ruin my life. My mother swears she told me about the 'Spring Community Picnic' before she forced me to go but, I know this is false. Because if she had told me about the picnic I would have created an elaborately in depth scene of illness in which I had an incurable/undiagnosed version of chicken poxes which prevents me from attending anything with the words family and community in the same phrase.

But, she didn't tell me about it and I assure you it was intentional. She didn't tell me because she knew he would be there. He is 3mu Ahmed, my 'uncle' --who actually isn't my uncle but, a meddling neighbor, who is forever eager to engage in unnecessary conversations geared towards getting me hitched and teaching me what 'real women act like.' Yes, he was sent here to destroy me.

It's a brisk 68 degrees outside. The sun is high but, not scorching and the grill is blaring in the wind. There's hamburgers, shawarma, hot dogs, and even emanpadas cooking away. The women are gossiping, as expected. The kids are terrorizing each other and it took the brothers 2 1/2 hours to set up a volleyball and badminton net but, only took them 5 minutes to arrange cars and trash cans for soccer goals. I put on my Welchs smile and gave my hugs/kisses/salams to more 'aunts' and 'uncles'. Thankfully we arrived an hour late; right as the food was ready but, he was still there.I look past him doing the 'I see you but will act like I don't ' glare then pattered off to the opposite end of the 'park'. I headed to play Volleyball with who I knew to be his visiting nephew (aged 16), his youngest son, and about 3 others. I tucked in my shades and asked, 'if girls can play to.' The strikingly attractive nephew answered me yes but, I heard him ask his cousin (in Arabic) if he knew who I was. Logan answered telling him(in Arabic) that I spoke Arabic.

I looked at the nephew, smiled, and prepared to embarrass him. I contemplated not embarrassing him but, my mad V-balling abilities & competitive nature wouldn't let me. Sucks for him. I was thirsty and started walking away. The nephew yelled "oh, quitting already?" I instructed him "Good thing you've got looks, cause you def. ain't got no game!"Yup, my game is legit and my trash talking is better. A sandy-haired, hazel-eyed, guy walks by and says "Never threaten girls with arms like hers." He glanced my way and flirted a smile. I was initially crepped by the fact that he had obviously been watching me but, was unnecessarily flattered at the same time. My sister acted as my brain and shouted towards him "That's not all those hands are good for!" Too bad she meant something non-overtly sexual.

He walked under the pavilion and immediately greeted 3mu Ahmed. Damn! Just my luck the one reason I would have actually wanted to come just willing hugged the #1 reason why I didn't want to come. I sat down next to my mother, my aunt (who actually isn't my aunt either), and my sister. My non-aunt-aunt smiles her so-lets-talk-about-when-your-gonna-start-making-babies-smile. I already knew this was bad news but before I could fake another chicken pox epidemic she bashfully glances over never Logan. It took me a moment to realize that she was insinuating that I should look into the prospect of her nephew. I place my watermelon down and inform her that I might have robbed his attention but, I'm not into robbing the cradle. The boy is what 16?! I asked how very old she actually thought I was. She said 15-17. First of all, 15-17 is not one age. Second of all, I don't think any boy aged 16 is ready to fully support a family ~~involving me.~~ 3mu Ahmed overhears my witty remark and feels so inclined to 'offer advice'.

The problem with Muslim men giving advice is that usually it's in blended English and references events that actually have nothing to do with their actual point. Somewhere in between 3mu Ahmed attempting at introducing me to the older of the two nephews he started talking to me about how "proper wives" let their husbands watch Law and Order. Apparently last night my no-so-aunt-aunt wouldn't let him watch the episode because she feared he would have nightmares....AWK-ward. [Insert F My Life here.]

I informed 3mu Ahmed that "proper wives" know how to please their husbands while maintaining their self dignity, and please God all the while.

He asked:" So you will not wear heels and look good?
Me: "Well, I tend to look good anyways but, I think heels could have their purpose."
Him: "Burpose like what?"
Me:" Uh..I don't know, slamming down the pedal and driving to Wendy's for dinner."

He had a huge fuss about women not knowing what a kitchen was made for and burning biryianni/Cous cous. I let him know that I don't do biryanni. I can eat it; but no biryanni cooking would happen on my behalf. The older, gorgeous, nephew let out a chuckle and said, "sounds like my kinda proper wife." I said, "a proper wife knows how to use all of her available resources, including Wendy's." While I may cook well that's not my entire worth. Besides, if I should end up in a Law & Order type episode I'll need a good alibi. "@ 10pm, Oh I was at Wendy's last night, drive-thru, all on tape" works wonders. And then, they'll search my trash and find the remnants and I won't go to jail.

So you see 3mu Ahmed a "proper wife" saved her husband from prison, put dinner on the table, and caught an episode of Law & Order all in a pair of heels. I ended my argument stating that while he might have had nightmares last night, to some man out there (that isn't 16) I am his dream (waiting to) come true.

Friday Fragments// Jumu'ah Jottings # 2- Nothing Sounds As Sweet As What I Can't Have...

2009-03-06T09:00:00.003-05:00

Last week really cleansed my palette. Unfortunately, this feeling didn't last long but, at least my bladder isn't full anymore. Last week I was urinating like a prego with quads on the way. In case you're wondering "Would you rather Wednesday" was canceled do to an epic emergency in my 4th grade this week--will blog about it later. No worries, this time the post has nothing to do with being fat or where boobs come from. :)

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #2

When I was 4 I walked in on my dad showering/bathing alot. Don't worry I'm not traumatized, I never saw anything. He used to bathe in the dark. Sometimes I'd hear him talking and began to think someone was in there. Too much Disney convinced me that he had a mermaid, stripper, g/f named Ariel. For whatever reason I thought she only appeared if all the lights were off.

One day I turned off all the lights in the bathroom but, Ariel didn't appear. I told my brother this whole story and he said "Either Ariel is black or you did it wrong." I'm going to ignore the first and obviously racial slur. Instead I ask "how the hell do you turn the lights off wrong?!"
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I was walking to my car last night when I saw a large man walking behind me. I hurried to open my car, as he was approaching quickly but, my door wasn't unlocking and I panicked. It was then I noticed it wasn't even my car.

As I walked away from the other car, he walked up and unlocked the door. - F My life.

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I waste an indescribable amount of time each day. In fact, I tend to convince myself that I'm early just to allot extra time for wasting.Of course I'm sharing some worthless yet, amusing links - so your lives will too be worthless! :)

*Stuffwhitepeoplelike.com- A way to get in touch with who you were really meant to be; don't deny it.

*http://www.fmylife.com/- My life always seems so much better when I laugh at other's misery.

*http://lmgtfy.com/- Let Me Google That For You is pretty much one of the most sarcastically unnecessary things ever created- other than me, of course.

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I've discovered how to make chocolate cake in less than 2 minutes. Of course this will result in an indescribable weight gain. But, for now it's simplicity has captured my short attention span.

The best part is the whole thing can be made in one mug & in the microwave!
You can find the entire recipe here
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Over Heard Tales from My Life

1."Who you are with your i-pod is who you are in life.."-- One of my students parent giving advice to me about my 'unacceptable and embarrassing' musical selections. Pft. Nancy Ajram, Briney Spears, Cat Stevens, Raef, & Spice Girls I don't see the issue.

2."It was so quiet you could hear a rat piss on cotton!" -- Ray J talking about God knows what but, who raised him? lol!

3."Style never goes out of fashion"-- Elizabeth (my sorority sister) commenting on why hijabis have no excuse in not matching their hijabs to their shoes.

4."I used to get penis all the time, now...not so much."-- My almost-Not so-Boss-Boss talking about his Spam inbox on Gmail. [Brilliant]

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My mother started menopause this month. I know you didn't want or need that piece of information but, neither did I. And she still shared it, now you're stuck with it too!
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The school I teach at is in the middle of bumfreak USA. I feel like I should report the parents sometimes but, I don't because then I'd have very little worth blogging.

Example Given

Father: And since I've started smoking cigars in the basement, you can smoke pot down there without your mom knowing.
Daughter: Wait, seriously?
Father: Yeah, just don't tell your brother. He already thinks you're the favorite.
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Douche Bag of the Week

Did you people hear about the genius who smoked his kitten? He claimed his cat was having a bad day and so he placed him into a bong. When asked why the man put the cat in the bong he replied with some bull about how when he has a bad day he smokes and feels better.

Umm, question how did he diagnose that the cat was depressed and where the hell is this man's family someone needs to diagnosis him.

Would You Fill Up My Empty Glass With a Shot of Innocence?.... I Haven't Had Any Sense I Fell In Love.

2009-03-02T10:20:00.015-05:00

Reason # 234 why marrying seems less appealing: "Boys Will Be Boys"

-"stop being a boy;step-up and be a man!"

Some people call me a pessimist of love but, I'm not. I'm just a realist. I've only been alive a few decades but, those decades have forced me to realize the actuality that is, love and being loved. I'm not the most profound of lovers but, I know enough to make the boys turn pink. Somewhere in between being hit on in hijab and realizing that virgin doesn't always refer to a non-alcoholic mix I learned that boys will be boys and a few other helpfuls. Too often and too cliched is the above quote, never thought I'd hear it personally, especially coming from my mouth...

Saturday, I stopped by (my -ex/varsity) high-school girls volleyball game. They lost. They deserved it. Maybe it's just me but, I feel like if you're wearing hijab you shouldn't be pulling up your jersey to tie it in the back. This isn't a J.Lo video and the ref isn't Ricky Martin; put some clothes on. Even without the religious aspect two girls showed up in jeans. Jeans?! Seriously, what kinda damage are you planning on spiking down in a pair of low rise jeans?Some of these girls aren't aware of their worth to the opposite gender but, trust you me dollface, jeans have ruined many relationships. I've broken a few hearts and maybe fewer spirits in some jeans, and I'm damn proud of it. The difference is I knew what I was doing.

One of the girls 16, in her low-rise hipsters, told me her 'tentative fiance'- whatever that means-- was supposed to surprise her. He didn't, but his best friend did. I could tell you about the drama that ensued over him (the best friend) whistling from the bleachers every time she went for a dig; I could describe the way her jeans hugged her hips and winked with her every sway;I could tell you that her fiance missed more than a game, he missed a whole peep show. But, I won't. Instead, I'll explain how she not only got the fiance's best friends' attention but, a few of the opposing teams' brothers,boyfriends, and even fathers. Oh yes fathers, in fact, one of them yelled "Don't matter if she looses, as long as she gets low I'm winning." Then he reached over to hi-5 his son with a huge grin. The wife, and mother simply turned the other cheek and my poor hip-swinging, baby shamefully exited stage left with clouds of tears filling her eyes.

As I headed over to console I darted a lasting glare of judgment at the father-son, douche bag-duo. I looked after them and whispered, "Is this what kind of man you want to be?" The bleachers fell silent, no one dared move. I took the first step and shifted towards the locker room to hold my unassuming bit of innocence. She cried until her heart stopped pounding and whimpered into my breast "sorry, I didn't know.... I didn't mean to..." I asked her what she thought would happen with her dressing so scandalously. She said all too honest, "I thought he would be here & I thought he would love me."

"Is it better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all?" She was so consumed with pleasing him that she lost herself in search of him. Men never actually mature; they grow older but, do they ever grow up? Boys will be boys; but I'm not a girl. I need a man, I want to feel safe and secure in his passionate embrace. I want to be turned on by mind and become moistened by his thoughts. I left the game and texted another him.

Me: I can't do this anymore, every time we talk it's either a one-word response or none at all.
Him: WTF!
Me: Yeah, I'm done. I can't stand not knowing where I stand.
Him: Ok, lol.
Me: I just guess I thought this time around especially with you it would be different.
Him:I'm not ready for any relationship.
Me:And I'm not looking for one...
Him:Than what do you want from me?
Me:Nothing.

And with that I deleted yet another soul from my passionate book of contacts. It's not that I don't love him, it's not that he doesn't not love me. But, he's been here longer than me. He's supposed to be stronger than me and yet, merely texting him leaves me weak. Somethings not right and for once I know I'm not what's wrong. Makes you think, 'what would the world be like if Eve was the forbidden fruit?'

Friday Fragments//Jum'uah Jottings # 1- I Know It's Your Soul Baby but, Could You Bottle It Up?

2009-02-26T00:09:00.023-05:00

Hear ye, Hear Ye! Today I present A.D.D induced blogging. Actually I just lied; I've been A.D.D. blogging since the age of 5, with sidewalk chalk. I got this bang-up idea from the gorgeous ginger over at Yaya's Stuff.

In an effort to keep my newly restored Karma I've decided to begin a section in which I rant/release all the bundled emotions that reside inside. The catch is, once I blog about it, that's it. No more unnecessarily fuming over it or running over peoples cell phones. -- Not that I ever would do such a thing.**looks both ways**

Friday Fragments//Jumuah Jottings #1

My OCD really has been getting the best of me. Since my room is always clean I've started intentionally messing it up and then leaving only to return 4-7 mins later, look really confused about 'how on earth I let myself live like this' just so that I have something to clean. My brother said it makes me sound crazy but, men like crazy chicks if it involves cleaning. Then he called my "domesticated."

When my brother calls me domesticated it agitates my soul. Do I look like a pussy...cat!?
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I'm going home this weekend to visit Ms. Jo's new born. He's all too precious. Not that I still believe in cooties but, I kinda feel dirty considering that I actually know where newborns come from--and it ain't the stork, kiddos. My sister asked "What baby-makin song" I thought he was conceived to. First I think I gagged in my mouth-- no offense to the baby's' parents-- then I answered, anything Barry White. Barry White doesn't sing to or about women he sings to thier reproductive organs. You might not even be trying to get pregnant and then BAM! Barry White comes on and convinces you that you are mistaken.
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Our campus MSA is putting together a movie night. Don't ask why the on campus religious organization is organizing a screening for Hell Boy. I personally fail to see the significance. I asked "why were watching said movie as an MSA event?" I was told "So that the boys and the girls can feel more comfortable with each other in the dark." The person wasn't kidding.
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My unnecessarily hot physics lab instructor favors me. I think it's because he knows I have morals and would never do anything with him. Sometimes, I create awkward scenarios just to see how he responds.

Me:"how many kids do you want?"
Him: "How ever many my wife feels comfortable having."
Me: "Cute but, I need a quantifiable amount!"
Him:" a lot."
Me: "Define a lot, because I'm Muslim so 'a lot' might mean you have to start driving a taxi as a side gig."
Him: "Umm, enough so that when I retire they can all take care of me...and I could use the taxi for another reason."
Me: "Oh."

I'm done asking questions for a while.
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I've started documenting the ridiculous things I over hear throughout the week. Here are my top 4

1." Yeah, but, last time she totally smelt like sex" -- overheard 5th graders from the elementary school hallway--about the librarian.

2."She didn't know it but, we just got married in my head." -- My almost-not-so boss- boss about the first time he met me.

3."Woah, Devyn uses lots of words"-- about a Real World Brooklyn cast member who talks too much and thinks too little.

4."Some people have i-Pods. I just have my g/f's i-Rack"-- Some East coast business major on his phone discussing his "favorite things" while on the bus

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My mom called me fat. It hurt more than I thought it would. I considered being anorexic. Then, I got hungry and ate.
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I've had me braces for 6 years. I think God's punishing me. I lied to my grandma about not eating the peppermints that one time. She said she wasn't watching me but, God was. My mouth hasn't been the same since. I was 6.

Coincide? I think not.

You Got Me Begging You For Mercy, Why Don't You Release Me ?

2009-02-24T10:00:00.005-05:00

Incident#1

I woke up this morning popped in my Flintstones Kid's vitamin and suddenly discovering how thirsty I was downed some Coke Zero. Then BAM! Bop.Fizz! just like that 1996 Mentos in the coke trick my mouth was an active volcano choking me with it's lava of caffeine.

Moral of the story: No matter how thirsty you get don't drink carbonated beverages with children's vitamins. Don't judge me Flintstones it totally legit.

Incident #2

I headed down the elevator of my condos building and kicked the handicapped door open. Yes, I kicked the handicapped button. Anyways the door swung open and as I hopped outside I slipped and ran into the handicapped door.

Moral of the story: Apparently the handicapped door is reserved for those individuals who are handicapped.

Incident # 3

I headed out the doors to class, crossing the street when some lame, yet shockingly cute red SUV pulled up next me and goes I know you're deaf but, I didn't know you were blind.

Moral of the story: Apparently in the Midwest wearing Hijab or anything that covers your ears obviously makes you deaf.

Now I'm sure by this time you're all thinking "great your life sucks in a hilariously entertaining way..and?" And, my life doesn't usually suck, well not this bad. After class I went to work and was consequently in the worst of moods. A little boy stopped by the equipment desk and said "Umm Ms.brown eyed lady, can I play Wii?" I may be the Grinch in alot of ways but, this hazel-hair boy was too cute to resist. I let him check out the Wii controllers and two games. I know, I know, members under the age of 12 have to be chaperoned by an adult and aren't allowed to check out two games but, he had me at 'brown-eyed'.

The little boy skipped off and returned about 5 mins later and tip-toed to throw some Kisses up on the checkout counter. "For being so nice, ya know. BYE!"That did it, that cleared up my entire day, and possibly my week. Nobody said life was easy but, I believe mentalities are a reflection of actuality. If you think life sucks, it will. I also realized that I was having such an awful morning because I obviously had a stained Karma. So to cleanse my Karma I smiled at the lad and did the same to about 25 other complete strangers. Amazing, what a smile can do. He probably has no idea the impact of his kisses but, I'd rather it be this way.

To add to the whole 'awww, amazing!' impact of this lovable tale on my way to clockout and leave I noticed a tall and strikingly attractive guy. It was none other than the red SUV frat guy. Apparently he works out. Shocker. (obvious sarcasm) With my new karma in tact I just smiled at him. He leaned over to whisper "I'm glad you're doing better sunshine". I tried to resist rolling my eyes when I sarcastically said "Oh blessed stars I can hear!" I was going to make it into this whole over-the-top performance where I acted like I was cured of my deafness. I resisted. Then he smiled back and said "Of course you can, I thought you were having a bad day.You almost walked into my SUV that's why I made the blind comment."

I nearly walked into his SUV, he honked, and swerved. Ah, so he made the blind and deaf comment. With the handicapped door, I later realized that a person who was actually handicapped and in a wheel chair had hit the button earlier that morning. It was slick from sweat from where they used their palms against their wheelchair tires. Duh.

Moral of the story: The world is not actually conspiring against me. Common sense would suggest that maybe I shouldn't have drank Coke with vitamins.Little hazel-haired boy saved my Karma from the obvious. And as usual it all started with a kiss.

Be Soft, Be Sweet, But, Darling Be Discret.

2009-02-22T20:00:00.017-05:00

Confession of The Month:

It's 3 am on Sunday when he looks up, smiling, and strumming the chords to 'A Whole New World' when I realize for the past two weeks I've been flirting with a married man. What's worse is that after he finishes, he stares contently into my Auburn-Grey rimmed eyes to say 'sometimes, I'm amazed by you,'

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A long and semi-unnecessary story precedes why and how I ended up at 'guy's night'. I assure you it's ridiculous and will probably never happen again. From the very beginning I failed to understand why Maria wanted us girls at guy's night. But, I told myself we wouldn't stay too long and considering the fact that the only guy I was remotely interested was not only visiting but, engaged, there would be no pressure. The first night we went over I only stayed until 1:30 am, I say only because the following nights were just unacceptable. I didn't bake, dance, or try any other cheap shots at getting his or anyone's attention. I was there in support of my friends.But, then he opened up his case and pulled out his guitar.

He's not too attractive but, when he sings he let's my heart on fire. Then just like that god-forsaken Taylor Swift song I thought, "Romeo take me somewhere we could be alone;" my spine straightened and cheeks flushed a hue of crimson. Thankfully, this didn't happen but, for the next 36 hours we spent an indescribable and far too temptingly intimate distance to one another. My personal shaytan whispered how the ring on his finger wasn't a marriage it was an engagement. About 5 hours later she whispered again, besides rings don't make marriages.

His dimples are far too enticing.

By this time half of you are probably think, "yeah...but did anything happen!?" And, the short answer is, no. We didn't touch, make babies, or anything super scandalous like that. But, we did feel each other. I don't know how to explain it but, like I've said before you don't have to touch in order to feel. As a young Muslim girl I shouldn't have even been in such an environment especially, given the circumstance. A woman's intuition never fails. My intuition is telling me that his weak week long engagement will last, with a troublesome, if not impending failure of a marriage. But, that's none of my business. What kind of marriage counselor intentionally ruins marriages, just because she can!?

In fact, what kind of person sends signals of seduction luring her prey just to watch him crumble? I'm not even into him, and yet I invested hours into making him feel comfortable enough to trust my temptation over his fiances love. Luckily he's gone home now and back to his loving fiance who doesn't know the otherwise. It happened too fast. We were all but, too close, too close for comfort.Part of me feels immensely guilty but, an even bigger part of me is proud of the fact that I could accomplish such a task in a matter of 2 and 1/2 days with 12 hours of sleep, Rockband, Wild Blueberry Muffins, a futon, and a guitar.

Geez, why's it always gotta start with a guitar?

Goodbye My Almost Lover, Goodbye My Hopeless Dream

2009-02-18T23:11:00.013-05:00

...Sometimes people date people that aren't dating them back. It gets terribly complicated around the time that restraining orders and Thanksgiving dinner roll around. I'm slowly discovering that my appearance is probably the biggest misconception about me. People think I'm the next Orange County Housewife or Real World cast member with dazzling teeth and height to boot, and then I open my mouth.

I'm finding that opening my mouth wouldn't be so bad either, if one thing didn't follow. But, that one thing does follow. It's a thought. You see I'm more than just a face or a name; I am an ambiance. And somewhere between the ex-best friend texting me back a blank text and the participant at work who said "Ya know, you were so much cuter with your mouth closed," I decided that I'm worth more than a blank text or a closed mouth. I'm not exactly sure what it is that I'm worth, but, I'm sure that I'm worth more than I am worthless. Catch that?

I'm ridiculous and witty, loud and abrasive. Yes, I do beg to differ and proud that I talk before I speak. I called to tell my mother of my new found talents to which she responded, "wth is wrong with you?! You mean to tell me your only good for your mouth?" Yes, she actually said wth, not what the hell, but wth. And yes, an annoying and highly unnecessary conversation about safe sex and abstinence soon ensued. Geez ma get your mind out of the gutter!

Moral of the story is I'm too far proud of the person I am now because, of the people I was then. Time has made me a stronger, confident, and more secure person. I play Guitar Hero and wear heels. I teach 4th graders by day and train in sex and massage therapy by night, sue me. I'm my yin to my own yang and damn proud of it! To my ex-bestie I will always love you as a person. You are amazing in ways words can not define. You were a dazzling baby boy but, I'm done loosing myself in search of you as a man.

The Less I know, The More I Understand...

2009-02-17T12:49:00.014-05:00

"Ms. A you're crazy! Facebook isn't the devil."

I contemplated punishing the blue-eyed tot that called me crazy. Then I realized this was the perfect opportunity to introduce this weeks theme "freedom of speech and expression, how much is it worth?" And, while they may have been right about facebook not being the devil I refuted all claims by opening up my bag to release today's topic thought. It was a crisp and clean copy of the news. There in black and white lay the reason I encourage my students to challenge everything. I told the class that last night lives were bought and sold without them ever knowing.

4 kids revealed that they had a fB. I informed the class that according to fB's newly updated Terms of Use that as of Feb. 4th those 4 kids and everything they ever did across a fB server belonged to not only Mark Zuckerberg, the owner and CEO but, Facebook as a company, forever. According to Facebook my 4 students should have known this was going to happen, but they didn't. Facebook didn't send out a mass notification asking users to sign off on the changes either.They simply updated a note on thier site stating that via the Terms of Use:

"We reserve the right, at our sole discretion, to change, modify, add, or delete portions of these Terms of Use at any time without further notice.If we do this, we will post the changes to these Terms of Use on this page and will indicate at the top of this page the date these terms were last revised."

The first issue with such terms is that The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in the US has held that companies cannot unilaterally vary the terms of a contract such as this one by merely updating their website, and that actual notice is required to users. I guess that Facebook and/or their lawyers either didn't hear about that case, or they're choosing to ignore it and hope that courts outside the 9th Circuit do likewise.

According to the Consumerist blog, which warned readers of the changes, fB's biggest controversy is surrounding the portion within their updated Terms of Use which states any information or content shared while on the Network is theirs to own, forever.

That means all those documented late-night trips to Wendy's, inappropriate/crude wall post, and Not-so-sober vids will forever remain. I agree that people should consider what they upload before they upload it; BUT is it ok to take material that is not yours and utilize such for the personal betterment of wealth and company growth? Zuckerberg's Monday post sought to downplay fears that Facebook has dark motivations for amassing user data."We wouldn't share your information in a way you wouldn't want," Zuckerberg said.

"But, that's crazy Ms.A. That's real peoples' lives."

Yes, Sarah Lynn it is crazy; and those are real people. I'm all for stealing from the rich and giving to the poor but, this scandal is just down right appalling. I made my about-face from Facebook long ago but, this is enough to make me keep my distance for awhile....or at least Summer.

Maybe I'm Amazed By Your True You, That's Why I Love You...

2009-02-13T13:52:00.011-05:00

It's not quite Valentines day yet but, I had to post to announce:

I'm not the Grinch of Love.

Today we passed out the PostSecret inspired anonymous V-day cards. And By George it it worked! Every kid in my 4th grade cluster of a classroom got at least 3 cards, everyone. The popular chicks didn't load up on cards, building their heightened popularity and status. The boys weren't especially cruel to one another trying to establish a hierarchy of who would ask which girls to be their sweetheart. Everyone got a card. The cool thing is they aren't completely sure what cards came from who.

Some have an inkling because of penmanship and that they watched each other make the cards but, even the kids who received less while cards appreciated their scrap of junk. I'm glad I didn't cheat at peek at the cards ahead of time because I now get to enjoy the brilliance of anonymous love. 3 cards stuck out to me though.

1.The prettiest girl in all of 4th grade received a pink polka dot and lace trimmed 'card' which read, "I know you hate me and I know I'm not your valentine but, you are mine."

2.One of the football players received a card which read "Sometimes you stink but, your kinda nice, it makes me pink." The front had a football with blushing pink cheeks. I wanted to steal it. But, I didn't.

3.This card was actually one of the cards meant to be sent home to the parents. I acted like I lost it. It reads, "Daddy loves Stephanie but, I don't want him to."

Turns out Stephanie is the name of her soon-to-be step monster. Right now I think the author of that card is too young to understand that Stephanie isn't replacing her deceased mother she's just a filler in the space that happened to be free. The most shocking part of the whole day had to be that the girls gave more cards to each other than to the opposite gender.

I got a card last night at my 2nd job(Personal Trainer) from my almost boss. I say he's my almost boss because he only actually has about 5% authority over me and can't punish me at all. I'll post the card ~~later~~ now.

It's probably the best V-day gift/card I'll ever get.

It says, "I'm rich like Nicole, and a lion like her daddy"..........tame me?"

The back has a picture of him crawling like a lion.'nuff said. hilarious.

I Know It's Past Visiting Hours But, Can I Please Give Him These Flowers?

2009-02-11T18:03:00.015-05:00

"Is he just another page?"

Relationships are like words. They are never actually defined. And with him**, I like that. I like that we are never the same pair of people on any given day. You'll never find a picture of us in a dictionary. Thesaurus's aren't worthy either. We're both synonyms, and antonyms. Nouns are jealous and verbs take pointers. Relationships are like words.

I tried explaining that Valentines day was a complete sham. It's a reminder to all the single loners that they aren't worthy of a relationship and a confirmation for everyone else that their relationships suck. I tried explaining to him that the kid's in my class made the ugliest cards for each other and that they adored them. I tried explaining that it was much too hard for me to admit I'm a closet romantic. I tried explaining how much I valued him in our non-existent-relationship-word-like definition.But, before I got to that part he said, "To you we aren't in the dictionary. Because to you, the words us and me have no meaning."Then, he hung up.

I'm the Grinch of Valentines day. First I made all the kids in my class make valentines for people they didn't want to. They made cards for classmates they haven't spoken 5 words towards the entire semester. Some of them even cried. But I, I just smiled, thinking today I was starting a movement. I thought I was teaching them what love really is. I thought that they knew love couldn't be defined. But, he's right it's not them, it's me that can't define it.

I can't define love because, I destroyed the meaning.

I'm coming to find that I'm not very good at relationships. And by relationships I mean any--friendships, courtships, leaderships (refer to my teaching abilities). Basically my -ships are shits. And for as much work as I put into the people in my life the outcome is failing.

I'm a teacher who's failing.
I'm a relationship therapist who's single.
It's raining and I still have braces.

He was my best friend and truth be told I'm sorry I didn't fight for us. It sucks that we never talk.Until he called today to see if I was alright**(2) I thought he forgot who I was. I figured I wasn't worthy enough for his memory. It was a long departure ending our decade of friendship, that still isn't complete. I just want to know how long of a journey this is and where the next rest stop is, because waiting to see if he'll text back is like holding your pee. I've been holding now for 7 hrs. Wonder how much longer I can hold?

Relationships are like words.But, what is the word that defines him, you, and I?

**1=Him ,**2= anniversary to the death of a mutual friend